Somehow, because I'm pregnant, people think I want to hold their babies.
People learn that I'm pregnant, and if they have a baby in hand, they assume I'll want to hold it.
Honestly, if they were handing me their baby seals, I'd be totally excited. How fucking adorable are they? But human babies? Not as enticing.
I don't suddenly want to hold your baby just because I'm going to have one.
I'm going to love mine because it's mine, but seriously. Unless you are an ooh, a baby! person, babies, before they get all smiley and you actually have some sense that they can see you - they are not all that interesting. And even after they smile, for me their appeal is limited until they can do stuff.
Everyone says that I'm going to find everything about mine all fascinating from minute one, and maybe that's true. But I'll see. With mine.
We were having lunch on Sunday with Nick's sister and her husband. Their baby woke up from his nap and started looking around.
I could see it coming. I knew what was next. They were looking for a holder.
"Do you want to hold him?"
I've recently started saying no, rather than just letting people thrust their baby into my arms.
So I said, "Ah, no thanks. I held a baby yesterday."
Which was true. We'd gone up to visit Raj and Tejal and their new baby, who is gorgeous. And I think this helps. She's a lot cuter than Nick's nephew, who the parents refer to as "our 45-year-old accountant" - an accurate description.
Tej's daughter has this lovely brown skin and big, chubby cheeks and a ton of black hair. She has so much hair at two months she looks like she has that Asian rock star hairdo. You know the one I mean - with the shaggy layers and the long spiky sides.
She's the kind of baby that I was competing with in the nursery all those years ago in Delhi. When my parents looked around and contemplated taking home one of the cute brown babies, rather than their little pink bald one who looked like Khrushchev.
In the end, paternal love won out. Thank goodness.
So it was really fun to see Tej and Raj and the baby, and I did do some voluntary baby holding, which was easy and nice until she started fussing. At which point I panicked and handed her back.
But Tej knows me. She knows I'm never going to be all, "Yippee, a baby!"
So back to Sunday.
I think I surprised them, so I explained. "Everyone hands me their babies now that I'm pregnant. And I'm really not a baby person."
His sister agreed. "I'm not really either. But it's different when it's yours."
Fine with me. I'll see with mine.
So she handed him to Nick. Who I knew wasn't dying to hold him either. But it's his sister.
And then she said, "Well, we should have you change his diaper. For practice."
There was no fucking way I was changing a diaper.
"Um, no thanks."
"But you know how to change a diaper, right?"
"I don't, actually."
"You should learn."
"Listen. I saw diarrhea shoot out of a kid's ass mid-diaper change yesterday. And I have no intention of changing a diaper until I absolutely fucking have to."
"Oh, those nurses in the hospital are going to be frustrated with you. They're going to be all, you take the newbie!"
"They can say whatever they want about me."
I stood my ground.
I wanted to say, "Look, I do like you. I'm probably going to realy like your kid. But seriously. Hold your own baby."