I'm just overwhelmingly tired.
People keep telling me to take care of myself, and take care of my baby, and to put us first. But what does this mean, practically speaking? And when your familiy is in crisis, how do you do this?
I mean, I sleep, I eat, I go out and exercise. Yesterday I got my hair done. Last night Nick and I went out for dinner. Today I'm back at work.
But how do you not worry? How do you turn any of it off? And how do you not stay centrally involved?
Put us first. If I had a baby in front of me, it would be easy. I mean, horrendously hard at the moment, but very clear. His needs would all come first. They'd have to.
But in this case, I'm hauling him around with me all the time. He's the main reason I don't sleep. And in-utero babies function like parasites, unkind as it sounds. All their needs get met before anyone else's.
So I can't not go to the hospital. I can't not check in on my dad.
And in going, even though he's looking better, and in the right place, I can't shut out the overwhelming fear and sadness and tiredness that accompanies it.
So when the teenager across the hall kept ranting about how he'd taken five Ativan and he still couldn't sleep and look how high his blood pressure was the last time they took it and aren't they going to do anything about it?
"Somebody needs to do something about this!"
My response was to turn to Nick and ask if he'd mind smothering the guy with a pillow.
You don't stop being who you are, you know? And people think I'm a nice person.
That was a sidebar.
But you know, I also can't not spend time with my mom. I can't not make sure Betty is doing as OK as possible.
I can't not. I have to.
My brother chose to abdicate all responsibility. He no longer has a family beyond his wife and kids. We don't exist, so he doesn't have to deal.
For him, people - including Nick, who spoke with him - say, this is self-preservation.
I think it's selfish assholery. He's a small, selfish person who doesn't want to be inconvenienced. But maybe this is a difference of perspective. Or semantics.
Me, I want to have a mother. I want to have a father. I want my kid to have a grandfather who will get down on the floor and play with him and hug him and kiss him and tell him he's great. And this kind of behavior only comes from my side of the family.
In other words, he needs to have my dad in his life.
I'm not willing to walk away, just because they're complicated, just because this is exhausting, relentlessly exhausting. And I don't know how to have distance, particularly when I don't trust the hospital to push for a solution without vigilance.
I mean that, of course, in short-term fix kind of way.
Because the solution? What's the solution?
It's just brutally exhausting.