Monday, March 29, 2010

The angry door

Odds are good you're not going to want to know me anymore after you read this.

Because I can be so very hateful.

I don't like to admit it even to myself, because mostly I try to think that for the most part, people are good, and they try their best. And the more positive you are the better the world is.

I do try, despite my rants and petty complaints. I promise.

But then someone close to me will make me really angry. And I will think vile, pernicious thoughts. Worse, I will voice them

Which puts them out into the universe.

I try not to hope them. But even coming up with such negativity is bad karma. And they're extreme and terrible.

Like how I wouldn't mind if his wife got hit by a truck tomorrow. Or got that flesh-eating, drug-resistant bacteria. And too bad that operation last year was successful.

I'm not exaggerating. These are vile, deadly things.

I went so far as to ask Nick, who, when my wrath pours out, is always horrified by how venomous I can be, if he has any contacts who'd be willing to harm someone.

I mean, seriously. In his college summers, he worked construction in New Jersey with a bunch of ex-cons. Those guys used to harass women walking by and inject tequila for a quick buzz and tell him jail stories. Tell me they wouldn't break kneecaps for cash.

He says he's got nothing. No Jersey connections.

And I know he's of no use in these situations; the most he's willing to do is smear dog poo under a car door handle.

It's not just fear of jail. It's the unwillingness to behave horribly and hurtfully.

I don't want dog poo. I want soul-sucking pain.

Bad karma. Bad person. Bad, bad, bad.

See the kind of darkness that rushes out when I open the angry door?

23 comments:

  1. Oh, Lisa. I'm so happy to know we're on the same page. My boyfriend is also shocked every time I let out my rage.

    On another, much lighter note...is that a Liberty pillow beneath your pretty head? And I LOVE your glasses.

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  2. I think many of us can hit this level of nasty...it's okay to let it out... it typically makes it less likely to come to fruition. So is this the brother's wife? I hope you are okay...and just remember that most of us have crazy families. Don't let them make you too upset.

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  3. Why so angry - who set you off? I can get you bugs if you need them...

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  4. Lis - love that pillow. What a fun print!

    I think that most of us have these feelings although few are willing to admit it. Knowing it's part of you makes you able to deal with it. Think of all the angry people out there who aren't trying to manage it as well as you are.

    Feel better....

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  5. I've hit that point a few times - usually when people I love are hurt. (
    Also, Michele Bachmann. I live in her district and truly hope she dies in a fire. Which is horrible to admit.)

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  6. nice Liberty of London pillow : )

    i'm not as much venemous as i am bitter & grudge holding so i've got nothing.

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  7. When I get angry I cry. Which makes me age and look swollen and puffy and tired. So, I try not to go there - like you I feel bad about myself when I feel such things. Big hug to you - you're an amazing, dear person and oh so very good.

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  8. I also think that it's much better to let it out and feel what you feel. If someone makes me reallly angry, my revenge thoughts revolve around the person being hit by a cement truck, or maybe falling into a mineshaft and not being rescued. Dog poo is great for minor infractions, but something big really does require Mafia help. What a shame that Nick didn't stay in contact with his construction buddies.

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  9. I often dream about going through my various contacts lists for anyone and everyone I've ever met named Vinny.

    I like to think of it as a lawyer would. I don't just want reparations, to be "made whole". Because when someone hurts you or someone you love like that, you can't really be made whole, but you can be made to feel better, if you know that they have suffered enough to NEVER EVER DO THAT AGAIN. And to be very very sorry for the rest of their lives.

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  10. I totally thought these same things about my MIL for a long time. I finally decided to confront her about 3 years of crap. Things aren't peachy, but I no longer wish harm to her. Baby steps :)

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  11. i am rereading a childhood favorite "The Secret Garden," . . . it might just be what the doctor ordered for you, too!

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  12. I mean, this is basically me. Just the other night, a woman next to me at a restaurant was chewing loudly (my biggest pet peeve) and I said that I wished the salmon she was smacking would get lodged in her throat. And I wasn't kidding.

    That's kind of a light day, too.

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  13. I go there all the time. Thinking and saying it out loud is different then doing it. So what if it's nasty and ugly. Words and thoughts. Most of us have them. When my ex husband was having an affair with his secretary, I would picture him walking by a job site and the wrecking ball would just happen to swing by and be-head him. Then I would picture his head rolling along the sidewalk.

    On another note, hope Betty is much better. :)

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  14. Everyone has the potential to be venomous. Most people just keep it locked up and get all angsty and constipated. You're being healthy by getting it all out is what I'm saying. People are really shitty sometimes and I don't think there is anything wrong with wishing they'd get hit by a truck. It's not like you're driving the truck, right? So where's the harm in wishing shitty things on shitty people?

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  15. Oh, I am so with you. I stun even myself sometimes with how hateful and spew-y I can be. My husband thinks I would make a good Mafia don. I agree, and worry that I may, at some point, cross that moral line.

    Frankly, I'm always a little surprised at people who don't hit that evil precipice. What are they thinking?

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  16. I think you just catch Nick in a "nice" mood. Ask him when that damned cable crap you have gone through happens GOD FORBID again. The other truth I know is that men have more control over their world. Women have to bow down a lot and I think it builds resentment. And those constructions guys might have been on to something...injecting tequila? hmmm....
    At any rate, hang in there and watch the Sapranos or some such. Now that's mean! You'll feel better about yourself, or you'll learn how to contact a hit man. Problem solved.

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  17. I hate it when people chalk behaviors up to "a guy thing" or "a girl thing" but I really think that saying horrible, venomous things when you're upset is totally a girl thing. I do it too when I'm all lathered up about something. And just like Nick, Jason gets SHOCKED that his normally sweet partner can say things that are so vile they make him blush.

    That being said, normally after I let out a round of horrible words, I feel better and can move on.

    I like to think it's a coping mechanism for me when my feelings are hurt extraordinarily badly.

    Either that's normal or we're both abnormal together. But either way, you're not the only one. :-)

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  18. I know what you are going through with anger. I have issues with that too when I feel like I've been so so so wronged. The man and I were victims of a doctor so incompetent that it has kept me awake for weeks, months. And the words that come out of my mouth about it - yikes.

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  19. I hate to break it to you Lisa, but you're not *that* unusual when it comes to this... :-P

    *hugs* And you're wrong on the odds.

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  20. Not for nothing, but I am just a bit scared of you right now.

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  21. I used to never let myself be angry, I grew up surrounded by so much anger and pain, it scared me and I just wouldn't acknowledge my own. The result was that when I DID get angry, I turned into some kind of fuckin' Fury, a raging, spitting beast, and it was truly frightening.
    I deal better now that I'm able to express my mad self. I think we all have Gandhi and Hitler inside us, and we're capable of anything.

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  22. I too worry about the karma of my venemous thoughts. I worry about releasing my anger especially where it souldn't go. I lock myself in a room and try to find something stoopid funny to watch.

    If my thoughts ever came true I can tell ya my ex would have been gone long ago.

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  23. oooh. i had my angry door open a couple weeks ago for a good three days straight. kind of hope i got it out of my system.
    we've all been there!

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