Ohhhh Boy

If you want to feel really, completely ill on December 26, I suggest the following recipe for Christmas day.

Roll out of bed at 9 am. Open presents with mom and dad. Lounge. Consider going for a run. Notice the rain. Lounge some more.

Perform ablutions and get dressed to go over to the house of old family friends. You've known this family forever. Their children are older than you, and so, have literally known you your entire life. It's such a luxury to have people like this in your life. You feel safe and at home.

Arrive at family friends' house at 3 pm. Accept the offer of rum and eggnog. Yum! You didn't eat lunch, so the eggnog calories aren't fazing you. Continue drinking rum and eggnog until dinner. Start drinking wine, and keep drinking through dinner. Then resume rum and eggnog.

Then when the "kids" decide to leave the parents behind, go out with them. It's 7 pm and you're already plastered. Woo-hoo! You aren't driving and they promise to take good care of you. Your mom, who is pretty amused at how hammered you are, takes your camera away so you don't lose it.

When you get to J's house, which is where your little party cabal has moved, , and you are asked what you want to drink, head straight for the gin. Since you've had plenty of rum, eggnog, and wine, gin is a great idea.

"Sapphire martini, up, with lots of olives."

Because a big glass of straight gin, that's always a safe way to go.

Drink half, spill the rest on the rug, and accept a new, full glass. Drink new martini.

If your day yesterday went like this, then even if you ate all three packets of M&Ms that your friends bought you when they stopped at the gas station on the way, and even if you were very kindly fed a bagel around midnight because the room simply would not stop spinning, and even if you were very nicely taken home by the old friend and deposited safe and sound at your parents' house, and you poured yourself straight into bed...those things will only slightly mitigate the fact that you pretty much drank your weight in liquor last night. This is a recipe for feeling like complete and utter ass.

You can, however, be thankful for the following, because you could, in fact, feel worse. You had today off. You are a happy drunk, and although you were entirely unfiltered, you didn't say anything appalling. You didn't smoke the cigar you were offered. You didn't get in the hot tub and drown. You have grown out of the get-drunk-and-take-off-your-clothing behavior of your youth. You were totally cared for and brought home safe and sound. Your parents love you, even if they think you're ridiculous.

And, having done all this last night, and having the idea of how bad this feels fresh in your mind, you will be much more careful on New Year's.

Cheers!