Our meetings just ended. I'm about to put on warm (warm warm because oh my God is it cold out there!) clothes and go out and run and explore NY. I'm in a dark, dark mood and I need to shake it.
I've gotta say that so far, this trip to NY has mostly just made me feel bad about myself. It's made me feel totally unaccomplished, unattractive, unfocused, and just generally lost.
Here's the thing. Since Wednesday I've been sitting through presentations on money management. The presenters are leaders in the financial world. They all have these phenomenally impressive backgrounds, they make crazy money, and they are incredibly focused and motivated. They arrive with entourages. They make decisions that affect the world. They really do.
And my role here was helping to put on the conference, which really means doing a bunch of tedious, running around kind of things, which only served to underline the difference between what all those people are doing with their lives and what I'm doing with mine. Which, at this moment, feels like nothing.
What the Hell am I doing with my life? I am not money motivated, and yet I feel like I should have gone into a high money field. It's not even like I can say that my job is totally creative and fun, and so while I'm not making big money, I'm getting to do cool things. No. I'm just paying my mortgage, doing creative stuff on the side, but not really doing anything big, important, impressive, anything.
I know myself well enough to know that it's not that their world is one I would like or one I want to be in, but it's a world that makes me feel totally inferior. Ugh.
I don't know what sort of earth-shuddering dealings those whiz-bang financial barons you've been rolling with have been up to out there in the big city...but you can tell that son of a bitch who put another hotel on Marvin Gardens that I'm fixin' to git him.
ReplyDeleteYou'd be surprised if you knew how many of those "important people" are not satisfied with their lives, either.
ReplyDeleteIf you're not happy with your life right now, where would you need to be mentally, spiritually, professionally, and personally, to feel really accomplished? I find that breaking my life down into pieces and writing out goals helps a ton...
Also, get some perspective from someone who loves and admires you. He/she will help you see what you've accomplished and the lives you've touched, in ways you could never do yourself.
Stop!!!! I could have written this post. I organize conferences, too. I feel like I've accomplished nothing. I wonder how much longer I'm going to tread water in a job I detest so that the mortgage gets paid each month.
ReplyDeleteBut. You're gorgeous. You're smart. You're unique. You're funny! You have the fabric thing which is totally cool. You're a pink martini!
If only we could stop judging ourselves against others. I agree with girlanddog. Those people who look like they have it all figured out aren't necessarily happy. It's like anything. 20% of them are probably happy with their lives. The other 80% aren't satisfied with at least some aspect of their lives.
I'm sure there's a platitude that I've missed, but you get the point.
Have a good run and enjoy NYC. You could be cooking dinner in Georgia for people who will look at their plates and say "yuck!"
Once again, thank you thank you for your support. Getting out and about made me feel a lot better. What a weird scene the world of big finance here. It's face-numbingly cold in NY right now. Quite shocking!
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