Our meetings just ended. I'm about to put on warm (warm warm because oh my God is it cold out there!) clothes and go out and run and explore NY. I'm in a dark, dark mood and I need to shake it.
I've gotta say that so far, this trip to NY has mostly just made me feel bad about myself. It's made me feel totally unaccomplished, unattractive, unfocused, and just generally lost.
Here's the thing. Since Wednesday I've been sitting through presentations on money management. The presenters are leaders in the financial world. They all have these phenomenally impressive backgrounds, they make crazy money, and they are incredibly focused and motivated. They arrive with entourages. They make decisions that affect the world. They really do.
And my role here was helping to put on the conference, which really means doing a bunch of tedious, running around kind of things, which only served to underline the difference between what all those people are doing with their lives and what I'm doing with mine. Which, at this moment, feels like nothing.
What the Hell am I doing with my life? I am not money motivated, and yet I feel like I should have gone into a high money field. It's not even like I can say that my job is totally creative and fun, and so while I'm not making big money, I'm getting to do cool things. No. I'm just paying my mortgage, doing creative stuff on the side, but not really doing anything big, important, impressive, anything.
I know myself well enough to know that it's not that their world is one I would like or one I want to be in, but it's a world that makes me feel totally inferior. Ugh.