Monday, September 26, 2011

But wherefore I know not

So, this thing happened recently. I ran out of funny.

And I haven't been blogging with the fierce urgency of now because really, what do I have to say? Particularly when I'm so not funny?

The concrete realization that the last drop off funny had left my body happened right around the same time that I started hating my life, which was about 8:30 last night.

I mean, the life hating had probably begun slowly, and was in full force during the weekend. But the revelation didn't hit until 8:30 pm.

There's nothing magical about the hour, except that it was just shortly after I'd put Jordan to bed and the approximate time that our sheets were dry and I was pulling them out of the dryer, which coincided with the precise moment that Nick walked in the back door from work.

And said, "How are you?"

To which I replied, "Fine except that I fucking hate my life."

And I know I have a good life, I do. I married a man I love. We live in a house that only gets nicer with each passing day and sweep of construction dust. We have an amazing kid. My mom is moving in, and we have a good little family.

But I couldn't see past the long week, followed by a weekend filled with six loads of laundry and three loads of dishes and the rushing off to do errands or help Betty at her house, and then the rushing back so that Nick could go to work in the afternoons, and then the struggle through dinner, through bath, through getting teeth brushed and jammies on and ready for bed.

And our house is a disaster. There's stuff everywhere. Jordan can destroy a room in three minutes flat. So can Betty, it seems. Plus we lack storage space, and we have a constant influx of stuff. And so the piles grow. And grow.

And when the fuck is one supposed to figure out where to shove the piles? Sometime between cramming the kid in bed and cramming yourself in bed? That time when you're eating dinner and breathing?

It's all just so tedious and exhausting and endless. And when I look down the hallway of tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, it's full of piles of more of the same.

Nick has a better outlook - of course - and it's not like my life is half fuller or half emptier, or more full of tedious tasks than his. He just has, you know, the better outlook. The one I don't have.


  1. I understand what you're saying totally. But I want to offer you another perspective. I'm a grandmother, working woman - yada yada. Kids all grown and gone. Yet sometimes I still feel the way you feel right now...for different reasons. The funny thing is, I look back on the days when I was mom to two small children, and felt that way also. It seemed endless and unfullfilling - at least sometimes. Now, I look back and see that it's all just the moment in time. I'd give anything to go back and have one of those unfullfilling days with my two little ones with the benefit of what I know now.

    That said - you feel what you feel and that's alright. You sound a bit depressed right now - maybe waiting for that next little soul to show up - feeling disappointment. But remember, regardless of what happes, things change real fast and life flies by.

    The depression will pass - You're good outlook will return. So will your funny. Don't lose hope. Hugs and peace.

  2. I meant to mention that even though I feel that way sometimes now, I know it will pass. I've been through it before. No matter how dark it is at times, life gets good again. Just a little valley. It really will get better.

  3. Doug and I got into a screaming match over a clothes hanger yesterday. I can draw a direct line from that hanger to the fact that I'm feeling more and more desperately trapped in our situation and no longer feel valued as a contributing member of society.

    So yeah, I hear you and commiserate. For whatever it's worth, I'm glad Nick has the perspective he has. We could have used some of that in our house last night.

  4. To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
    Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
    To the last syllable of recorded time;
    And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
    The way to dusty death.
    Of course Macbeth was a bit of a drama queen, by today's standards...
    Sometimes life is, or seems, unbearable.It is tedious, it is exhausting and sometimes you don't have the energy to deal with it. But it always gets better, no matter what happens. So you feel the way you feel until you don't feel that way anymore. The funny will come back, as will your joie de vivre. And we'll all be here when that happens. For now we'll just cheer your depressed self on.

  5. Are there any possibilities for change swirling in your head to eliminate the never ending same-ness and busy-ness?

    Although I know, when you are overwhelmed it's the hardest time to have the energy to make a change.

    Could you/would you want to cut back on work hours?

    I'm reading a book I really like, Radical Homemakers. Basically about working less, enjoying life more. I also love this website for inspiration: - about early retirement without taking drastic measures.

  6. I have been where you are at. I'm there now and have been since last December. So much grief in my life at this time. I love what your readers say. And the advice they give you is advice for us all. I'm not just here for the funny. I'm here for the real life that comes out of this blog. I'm thinking of you.
    Peace, Lynn

  7. Oh I'm sorry to hear this. Wish I had wise words (like all those above) but I don't. I guess these things come and go. Be kind to yourself, sounds like there are all sorts of emotional things happening in the background. And don't forget you just got back from PARIS! - its gotta be hard to settle back into the daily grind after that! xxx

  8. I want to be supportive and loving and all that jazz, but all I can think is, "Lisa! I'd kill for all of those things! You're the luckiest girl in the world!"

    Sorry - I know that's the exact opposite of what you want to hear. I'm looking at this from my patch of grass, though, and yours looks to be a whole lot greener than my own.

    PS - you will never be NOT funny. Never.

  9. Remember, you're on the depression side of Paris. It's like a kid after all the Xmas presents have been opened.

    Hang in there!

  10. i feel exactly the same way, but i have to add in the hubs asking "when are you going to find a place to put all these piles?" at which point i stab him. well, i want to anyway.

    it doesn't get better until you force nick and betty and jordan all out of the house at the same time (preferably sunday afternoon, for me), grab a glass of wine, and sort, sort, throw away, sort, pile, plan, box up, and just get the shit done. repeat. especially the wine. when they get back, they will marvel at your ability to do away with the piles!

    until the following week, when they somehow return...


  11. Kate - That's an excellent perspective, and I appreciate you sharing it. It's true that these are all moments in time. They seem so huge and insurmountable in the moment. But yah, the depression will pass. There's a lot going on right now, and it will improve. Hugs to you.

    vvk - Hugs, my friend.

    Lisa - Yes. It's so easy to start arguing about the stupid shit when you are feeling terrible about yourself and your situation. We have had horrendous fights that were nothing about what we were fighting about. But in this instance, Nick was luckily totally calm. Hang in there. I know you are struggling. Hugs to you.

    Moomser - Nothing wrong with a good dose of drama queen once in a while. :) You are exactly right. Sometimes you just don't have the energy to deal. It's not that things are more or less tedious or exhausting - but sometimes I just cannot deal. But one of these days I will. Thanks for the cheers!

    frugalveganmom - I have been wondering that myself. There are a lot of things swirling, although I can't change much, at least not right now. But I will look into the book - thank you for the recommendation!

    Lynn - Hugs and peace to you, my friend on the prairie. I know you've had a really tough time for a while, and grief is exhausting. I love the advice people give here. It's very kind and solid.

    Miranda - Hugs to you, my far-away friend. Yes, there are lots and lots of things going on. And yes, it's hard to come back to the daily grind. I think that having these reminders that it will pass is very helpful.

    freckledk - I know, I really do. As you know, I was exactly where you are for a long, long, LONG time. And sometimes I look back at all the fun things I was up to and wonder why I didn't enjoy them all the more in the moment. Because I had it really good then as well - and so do you.

    cla517 - You make a good point there. I've been so busy and so tired that I barely remember our trip...but you are right about post-vacation letdown.

    That gentleman's lady - Hugs back to you. Yes, it will change. Eventually.

    sloaneclearv - I'm part of the problem. Nick is the one who winds up dealing with the piles. But we have hit a kind of saturation point, because we lack storage space...I'm trying to talk Nick into more Ikea closets. He doesn't love the idea, but we might be at the desperation point.

  12. take friday off and meet me at Longwood Gardens:)

  13. Late to this comment party because I've been working on a painting project in the remodiling disaster I call home and now everything is sore, including my hair follicles. But I just wanted to say, "I feel ya, girl." I'm - as the U2 song goes - stuck in a moment and I can't get out. Sounds like you might be there too.

    Big hugs - I hope that you get unstuck soon. I hope we both do.

  14. Oh Lisa, I love you. And I love your readers. You have the best readers and commenters around. I'm so sorry it's hard. My own disaster-of-a-house drives me crazy daily too. Yesterday, I managed to clear off one surface -- a shelf, less than one foot square, supposed to be decorative but somehow filled up with random crap -- and I felt such a huge sense of accomplishment. Maybe next time I get a single measly free hour -- or even 15 minutes -- I'll tackle another crap-collection point around here, haha.
    But mainly I wanted to say, wow, your readers are just wonderful at bringing useful comments to this place.


Tell me about it.