Six things I have learned being a mother

1. All diaper rash products are not the same.

If in the dark you reach for the Aquaphor but mistakenly open the jar of Extra-strength Desitin and swipe it on your lips, you can tell the difference immediately.

2. Time is arbitrary. 

"OK kiddos, we're going to leave in five minutes. You have FIVE more minutes to play. OK?"

"Nooo! I wanna staaaay!"

"We can! We can stay for FIVE more minutes!"

"How about THREE?"

3. Colors and styles of clothing are not worth fighting about.

Until Jordan's teacher told us that she didn't care if her kids wore the uniform, we had a daily fight. Jordan would sob about plain white shirts - "There's nothing on it! No decoration!" And he hates green. Hates with the hatred of a thousand blazing suns.

So then I started trying to talk him into outfits I like. Sometimes our tastes coincided, sometimes not. Then I realized I was struggling for nothing. Does it really matter? No.

You want to wear your pajama shirt all day? Fine with me.

This makes it easier to enforce the "you have to wear pants outside the house" rule.

4. Sprinkles make all food magical.

"Look! Your waffles and yogurt look like a circus!"

"I don't know if I'd put that on brocc...oh, what the hell. Hey! Your broccoli looks like a circus!"

5. My kids are the cutest things I have ever seen. Every day. Over and over.

That's all I have to say about that.

6. Children know how to spin things.

"Jordan, I love holding your hand."

"I have nice warm hands."

"You do! You and Daddy always have the warmest hands! It's so great!"

"Do you like holding my hands more or Daddy's hands more?"

"I love holding both of your hands."

"Yeah.  But Daddy farts a lot."