The eyes have it

Jordan had eye surgery today. I'm still waiting for him to get home.

He's far sighted and has an astigmatism and a lazy eye. He started wearing glasses February, and the doctor was hoping they'd correct the lazy eye, but they didn't. He then started losing vision in the eye that was turning in.

So we've done patches for two hours a day--which is a huge step up from months of all-day patching that I did as a kid. And this morning he was scheduled for surgery.

Nick took him, because when his doctor was explaining to me how you hold him in your arms while they sedate him, and then when they're done he wakes up in your arms, I burst into tears. And that was just while discussing the procedure.

So I was afraid to cry at the hospital and make him scared, when he wasn't scared leading up to it at all.

In fact, he was delighted to be able to eat Jello this morning. Do you know how magical Jello is? Who knew it would be so easy to make my kid happy?

Me, I've been on the verge of hysterics all day. I'm crying as I type, which is stupid because his surgery is over and apparently it went well.

I am good in a moment of crisis, I swear, but I think it's just because adrenaline takes over. I am not good at waiting to see how things went in the hospital. I am not good at waiting for people to wake up.

His surgery was scheduled for 10:40, and then Nick called at 11:00 and I interpreted what he said to be that Jordan's surgery was running long, and he'd call again later to let me know. It was supposed to be an easy 45-minute procedure.

I went out for a run, because typically I can't cry when I run, and doing something physical feels better.

But when 11:30 and 11:45 came and went and I couldn't get Nick on the phone I kept imagining a call saying that something had gone wrong with the anesthesia. I imagined the smile my boy gave me when I kiss kiss kissed him goodbye to be the last smile I would see on his sweet little face.

What would we do without our Jordan? How would I ever be able to bear it? My throat kept trying to close. It was all I could do to not sit down and sob on the side of the path.

Nick called just before noon as I was trudging up a big hill, and the tears started flowing even before I answered.

Jordan was just about to go into surgery. The operation on the child before him had run long.

Relief! And more fear.

Nick has called several times since then. The doctor is really pleased with how surgery went. Jordan has woken up a little, eaten a bit of popsicle, and gone back to sleep.

He's fine, he's really fine. But me? I'm a mess.

I probably need some Jello.