Today, I am in a mood and a half. I am walking around wanting to kick perfectly pleasant people in the shins.
I haven't been sleeping very well. And so yesterday I went to see a doctor, and he gave me a prescription for what he says is the only non-addictive drug for sleep available. So I took a quarter of one last night and slept like a rock. And today I'm wading through marshmallow fluff.
I don't know if the marshmallow fluff has anything to do with it, but I am astoundingly cranky. If that fellow over in development sends me another stupid email about our site, I swear I will stomp over there, hoist myself up over his enormous belly, pulling myself up one straining button at a time if I have to, and poke him in his little piggy eyes. This is how grumpy I am.
And I'm going to see Christine this evening. The last time I saw her we talked about how, when I am down, I have a tendency to medicate with men. Which isn't as racy as it sounds - what it actually means is just going on dates, endless first dates. I have spent countless hours having drinks or dinner or coffee or some combination with men who invariably wind up being Perfectly Nice Human Beings, but who I don't kiss and am not remotely interested in seeing again.
I probably can't even count the number of first dates I've been on. In the scheme of possible types of compulsive behavior it's not so terrible. It's not like I do crack or sleep with strangers or run naked in traffic.
Anyway, Christine is has been trying to convince me to give guys who I tend to write off immediately as "not my type" a chance. Because a lot of what these guys have been is simply not B. And so I am trying to give myself a chance to get to know them as people. I have told her, however, that I am only going to go on so many dates with these ordinary men that I am ambivalent about.
She said, "When you think a guy is just ordinary, think about what that means to you. What's ordinary? Stop and give some thought to these 'ordinary' people and see what you actually think once you get to know them."
Considering that formerly she said "go out with them as long as you're not repulsed" this new "give the normal guys a chance" seemed like an upgrade.
But today it seems like a directive to settle. Is it, or am I just in a bad mood? Am I too picky? Am I too hung up on teeth or attitude or whether or not they wear cuff links? None of those things matter when that particular sparkle is there. Is waiting for a spark unreasonable? Is finding someone nice and just deciding you're going to be happy with them even possible? Do I even want to?