Monday, September 21, 2009

One month: being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.

Saturday marked a month since Jordan was born.

We made it! A month!

We've all grown immensely in this time.

Jordan, he's a lot more awakey and present now. Instead of eating and falling right asleep, he spends a lot more looking at us, looking around, taking in the world. We look at him, and we think he's just the most beautiful thing we've ever seen.

How did we manage to make this perfect little human?

But getting to the point where we can step back and sigh with relief and happiness once in a while has taken some time and struggle.

Nick, in the beginning, Nick pretty much thought I was on vacation.

I knew he did, and it gave me this constant, bubbling below the surface, rage towards him.

Our second day home from the hospital, he looked around the bedroom, which was a complete chaotic mess. And being super tidy, I could see him getting more and more agitated.

I was lying in bed, still on pain meds - less than a week post-surgery - and I knew, I just knew what was coming. I was all, "That asshole is going to ask me to clean up."

And his very next words were, "Do you think tomorrow you and Betty could tidy up?"

To say I lost my shit would be an understatement.

But in his eyes, he was staying up with the boy and me, and then getting up in the morning and working 10-12 hours, and then coming home and working on the house and diving in again.

He was working really hard, with no break.

Where as I, in his mind, could sleep during the day.


We were just past week two that it really hit home for him how hard this was, and that I was in crisis.

He came into the kitchen with the boy - whose mouth was wide open, ready to eat, as usual - to find me sobbing into sink. I'm not kidding. There I was, soapy breast pump in hand, bent over, sobbing dejectedly into the crook of my arm.

"I can't do this! I hate my life!"

And I did. In that period, I hated my entire life.

Tori was in town, and Nick sent me out into the sun with her. He'd take the boy, and I should do whatever I wanted.

I was, at this point, on my pump or feed every two hours schedule, but that is a whole nother story. But even so, this bit of freedom helped a great deal. Although I was still in the never-want-to-go-home place.

But a few hours out is a few hours out, you know?

And when I returned home, I napped. I didn't rush to feed the boy, or to help at all. I left Nick and the boy to their own devices.

Because I just couldn't deal.

And for Nick, a whole day with Jordan made him realize just how demanding an infant is. And how actually, you don't really have time to sleep. Or pee. Or eat. Or do much of anything except meet! the! baby's! needs!

This changed his perspective and his behavior entirely. He returned to the super-supportive person I married.

I reached out for help, both mentally and physically. Thank God. It made all the difference.

Nick started doing more and more with Jordan, recognizing that while he does have a full-time job and he doesn't get a break, I don't really either.

Gramma Betty is happy to spend as much time as we want or need with him. I just had to ask. And I hated to ask and inconvenience her. And she didn't want to intrude.

So now, at one month, even though it sometimes still feels like we're living in a war zone, struggling for survival, those days are fewer and farther between. We're all much more used to each other, and we've almost gotten into a rhythm.

At a month, I think our Jordan knows that he is so very loved. He is more at ease, and less freaked out about the world.

But still rightfully suspicious of technology.


  1. I knew the postpartum stuff would pass, it can't be easy to be a mom. I would just be glad you have a wonderful husband and mother, and not to mention an adorable boy!
    I've babysat my friend's daughter on occasion, I always feel bad when I'm not holding her or giving her my full attention. I've found that her spare car seat is fantastic for those times when you need 2 hands to do something, or even just to pee.
    Congrats on everyday you make it through.

  2. Every day is a victory. We are all thinking of you...and what a handsome little butterball he is!

  3. on vacation? after major surgery AND having a baby - all at once? HA HA HA HA HA! glad THAT little misconception got cleared up . . . you are moving into the fun part - jordan will be smiling more, responding more, learning more. and i know it's hard to believe, but your love for him will continue to blossom. enjoy! (btw, i have yet to "tidy" up our house, and the kids are both away at college - har har)

  4. I'm glad you were able to get the help you need. You're working ahrd, and you should be really proud.

  5. So glad to hear things are getting better. Just keep taking it all one day at a time.

    Also, he's so adorable. :)

  6. I'm so glad to hear this, all of it. Keep reaching out whenever you think it's a good idea - he's pretty irresistably cute, and I think your odds are good.


  7. One month - hooray! I'm glad you're in a rhythm and things are better. Technology is so overrated.

  8. glad you're back to life! a very different life but what a life!

    and people always go around saying "being a mom is a full time job" and as true as it is it's almost an understatement. and no one ever says it about being a Dad so i think people often forget that it's a FT job for Dad's too... at least it should be : )

  9. It's hard to explain how glad I was to read to the end of this post. Very happy to hear it, and I hope it continues to get better from here. :D

  10. What precious, precious pictures. I'm so glad things are beginning to get back into a comfortable rhythm for you.

  11. I am so glad that one month in you are starting to feel more settled. Jordan is adorable. The multiple chins in the last photo made my heart melt a little :)

  12. He is so adorable! Wow I can't believe it has already been a month! Time has flown by!!!

  13. Remember to ask my wife how...on day two of being home.....I told her that I really justed wanted about 8 straight hours of good sleep and then I would help her....not a good reaction to say the least

  14. Skepticism: He has it.

    So glad to see you're crawling out of the dark place. xoxo

  15. great perspective - sounds like you guys are giving each other grace and that's super important in these first months! So happy to see a bit more "you" in these posts!

  16. Oh My God! I love him!! And I'm glad you're finding you're rhythm!

    P.S. If Jordan is suspicious of technology, did you explain to him that you write a blog???

  17. It is true the saying
    'It isnt easy being a parent , but it is the most rewarding thing you will ever do'
    Each day, month, year will have a milestone, an achievement, a precious moment that will fill your heart and soul with an incredible feeling. His first mama, his first day playing some sport, hs first player of the day certificate, his first day of kindy, and on it goes forever, all these thing will make your eyes leak and give you a huge great lump in your gut of sheer pride and wonderment that that little man is yours and Nicks, that the two of you are responsible for creating and raising this person, and that the two of you manage through everything to get past anything that is in your way together to make life happen for this boy. Now Nick has cottoned on to what being a dad is all about in the first stages he will be fine, you all will be. support, underdstanding and tolerance is what its all awbout at the moment. :)

  18. Jordan is adorable! What do you think he has on his mind in that picture? :) Rhythm is good. That looks like a very well loved little guy!

  19. I remember that exact feeling. I stood in the hallway and cried. I .... just hated how I felt, how tired I was, everything.

    I think more women should talk about how normal those feelings are, how important it is to ask for help, how crucial it is to take care of yourself first. Not enough women speak up about the first months of motherhood. Thanks for doing so.

    And, my god, that boy is something. Really breathtaking.

  20. Every new dad needs to spend a day with the baby so he will know what comments and requests are likely to get him killed.

  21. i hear you sister!

    have i told you we had our babies on the same day?

    i had to tell my husband a number of times...

    "you have no idea - your life has hardly changed! going out to work is EASY compared to this!"

    all the best.

  22. So glad you're reaching out! And it just goes by so fast. I can't believe the things that I would cry and worry about just a while ago disappear as the baby grows.
    My husband took a couple of weeks off after I gave birth, but he mostly puttered around on some projects he was working on- and honestly, with all of the lack of sleep and hormones and c-section aftermath, I was pretty damn happy when he went back to work so I could control the day. BUT he did make the mistake of asking what I did all day- ONCE. Soon after I went back to work part-time 3x10 hour days, and he is on the job 3 nights a week now. Dude races to hand over the baby when I get home so he can do his own thing after 2 hours of full parenting.

  23. My husband, as well, thought it was a "vacation" at first and referred to it as that prior to the birth and probably until that 3rd night in the hospital. Then he stopped but he still didn't truly get it until the week I went back to work - he took a week off to stay at home with the baby and then he got to see what I "did all day." And then I also had to remind him that in addition to the baby stuff I was physically recovering from a c-section (which, I'm sorry my good doctors, takes longer than 6 weeks) and dealing with all kinds of hormonal and post-partum issues. He got it then.

    Anyway, I'm glad things are getting better. And even though it sounds cliche and you basically want to punch people who say it (I know I did), the first few months really are the hardest and it truly does get better. I'm actually one of the select few that didn't really like the tiny baby stage and is currently my own personal form of birth control (holy hell, I do NOT want to get pregnant again any time soon thankyouverymuch).

    So, yeah, congrats on a month and you really do have a handsome little man there!!

  24. Cutest. Baby. EVER. And a mighty fine husband by the sound of things. :)

  25. Glad you are feeling better. I understand the anger you felt. I used to have these fantasies of stabbing my husband through the heart in his sleep when I first had my daughter. It was only years later that I confessed it to him. I was blind with rage because he wasn't helping as much as I thought he should (and the best part was that he was on vacation from work for the first 5 weeks and didn't do shit to help!) You understand now why I wanted to kill him? :)

    Jordan is beautiful! Babies totally change your life for the better though...or at least I can say it now (Daughter is nearly 7 years old.) Hang in there!

  26. Lori Bouzane9/23/2009 6:00 PM

    Soooo happy you feel better. It really is tough that first month! I used to lie in bed and divide the furniture up in my head as I was planning my divorce. It is such a huge adjustment. Your little pumpkin is adorable. Very happy to read your blog today Lisa!

  27. You put that into words very well. It is SO true. I never imagined how hard and chaotic and devastating the first month or two could be. No matter how much you love your baby and your husband, there are times when running away sounds like a pretty good idea. I hope things continue getting brighter and brighter for you! Beautiful little baby, too:)


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