Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Having it some, doing none of it well

If you're a parent, and you made the choice to stay home with your kid(s), are you glad you did?

I don't have a big important job. I don't have millions of dollars, human life, or grand affairs of state hinging on my actions. I'm not an Anne-Marie Slaughter type; I'm not trying to have it all (whatever that means).

 I'm just trying to have it some.

I'm trying to love my family with my whole being, and spend at least a little quality time with my husband, and get grocery shopping done and keep the clutter piles from overwhelming us. Oh, and get to the office on time. And not take lunch because twice a day I pump as much milk as I can for India to have at day care. Which is not enough, but it's something.

I am currently in the office three days a week. My days at home with my baby are lovely. My office days are rush rush rush - trying to get the bottles together, to get India ready for day care, to get myself into clean and office-y clothes (still a challenge, when many things are still too tight), to focus on work at work, to leave on time to rush to get either one or both kids - depending on Betty's schedule.

My evenings all week, whether home or at the office, are frantic from when I get the kid(s) until about 8:00 pm, when Jordan is tucked in. I get India bathed, nursed, and to bed, Jordan fed, Jordan clean, Jordan to bed.

They're really hard when Betty is gone, because Nick works quite late, and so it's just me with two kids that want ALL my attention. But when Betty is here, which is most of the time, she feeds Jordan while I get India settled. So it's not hard, just kind of full-on until he's off to sleep.

There are parents who have it a lot harder than me, I know. There are single parents, parents with more than two kids, parents with long commutes and no family nearby. There are parents who manage a family and a job and extra activities and bake cakes and have a clean house and do it all very gracefully.

I'm not weak, and I'm not lazy, but I feel like even just doing it some is often more than I can manage.

And I feel like I'm doing a terrible job at all of it.

19 comments:

  1. So, I guess I'm not understanding where your baseline for feeling accomplished is coming from. You say you have 2 young children, a job, a house, and a husband whose ability to pitch in during waking hours is significantly limited on weekdays... and you're gainfully employed, the kids are clean and well-fed and always in safe, stimulating environments, and you spend several hours with them every night before bedtime?

    You're doing it. And you're doing it fantastically well.

    Also, if it makes you feel any better, a friend who has a wee one recently confessed to realizing, once she got to the office, that she hadn't showered in 3 days.

    Hugs!

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    1. Oh, my dear friend! I can always, always rely on you to take stock of a situation and reframe it in a way that actually makes me look great.

      I'm not doing as well as you imagine: Jordan has mac & cheese, eggs and waffles, grilled cheese, or fish sticks pretty much every night. With a side of fruit, because he doesn't like vegetables and I cannot handle the fight. India has the boob, so nutritionally, she's doing a lot better than him. When it's just me, I stick him in front of a video so I can tend to her. He's seen a lot lot lot of Mighty Machines lately.

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    2. You got a small child to eat fish? You are magical! The twins not only refuse to eat anything that is not cheese or primarily made from grains, but they recognize brand labels and refuse to eat anything that isn't their preferred BRAND. Heaven help my sister when someone changes their packaging. Again, big big hugs. You are, in fact, doing wonderfully.

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    3. I think that every mom home alone with an infant and a toddler uses the TV to help out more than they admit. I know Alex watches a show every night while I put Evan to sleep. And he also does not eat vegetables. The doctor told me to just keep putting them there...which is about all I do. Put them there.

      I hear you, so completely, on the feeling like you're failing. I feel like that almost constantly. Especially when I look at co-workers who are KILLING IT at work while I muddle through and ask the same question 5 times because my brain is too fractured to remember.

      But then I remember, in reality I'm doing 5 times the work they are. Which means, we are, in fact doing wonderfully just by remaining upright.

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  2. i think it's really hard whether you work all day or are home with your kid. of course i can only speak as a stay at home mom but there are so many days i struggle. overall i'm happy with my choice but there are many many days i wish i had been happy with my job so that i would have opted to go back to it instead of stay home.
    being a parent, BEING A MOM, is by far the hardest job and you're doing great! i always feel like the fact that we worry so much about whether we're doing it right, doing it well, means we ARE. because we obviously care.
    if you saw the state of my house (which my husband abhors) and the bruises and cuts on my son (because i can't keep an eye on him every single second) i don't think you'd questions your own mothering so much : )
    we're all just doing the best we can and that's all you can do. keep it up lady!!

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    1. Thank you so much for your perspective. I absolutely loved my maternity leave this time, and didn't want it to end...but there are so many hard things about being a mom, and being a full-time at-home mom, I don't know if I could handle. Thank you for the reminder that we're all doing the best we can. It's true. Hugs to you.

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  3. Don't you believe it Lisa. You're doing great! It's a difficult undertaking for anyone. Don't let guilt or frustration suck the joy or steal the successes you have. You do what you can and enjoy the moments with kids, husband, workplace, bits of quiet time. Suck all of the sweet juice out of them!!

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    1. Oh, Kate, you are wonderful. Thank you. I do let them suck the joy out, and I'm going to try not to.

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  4. I'm right there with you. I'm back to work 4 days per week. Two of those days he's home with dad. Two of those days he's at daycare. All of those days are a scramble for me with pumping, getting things ready, and getting me to work. Then I scramble to leave on time to either get Quinn from daycare or to relieve dad after a long day. Then I feel guilty that I didn't get any time with the baby and then he's in his evening meltdown. But I feel guilty that I ran out of work and didn't finish everything that needed to be done.

    Being a mom is hard. We all do the best we can, and I guarantee you that others think we're doing a much better job than we think we are. Moms are too hard on ourselves.

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    1. Yes, that's it exactly. The scramble and the rushing from one thing to another and not feeling like you've completed tasks to your satisfaction, but you're out of time! Did I tell you how much I love the name Quinn? I can't remember, but I do! All the best to you, Tia!

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  5. Yes I'm glad I'm staying at home! Of course I hated my job even before I got pregnant, and am about the most awful morning person in the world so the thought of doing my two least favorite things - getting up early AND going to sit in a cubicle... the choice for me was obvious.

    But, some people go crazy staying at home all the time, and I'm totally content to putz around the house most of the day.

    Bottom line - if this situation isn't working for you, change it. Would they let you go on a leave of absence so you could see if you liked staying home full time?

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    1. Yah, you seem very happy at home with Jane! It's so lovely! Although it is not my burning passion, I didn't and don't hate my job, so it wasn't like it was a relief to walk out of it. But when I'm having an unfulfilling day, and I think about how I could be home with my sweet girl instead...I really question what I'm doing. I don't know if they would or not, but that's a good question. Because I have huge fear of leaving the working world (for many reasons) - and if it were the wrong choice, I would really regret it.

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  6. FVM: I like the leave of absence idea.
    Lisa! I know the feeling of "I am doing a terrible job of all of it." Oh so well! It comes and goes. Today, it's gone, even though: my living room -- actually make that all the rooms -- the house -- is a disaster area. More specifically: I haven't seen the surface of my dining table in months, the mountain of coats that lives on a chair by the front door fell over yesterday and I still haven't picked it up, the living room is full of toys everywhere and baskets dirty laundry, the pile of baby-stuff-to-donate is threatening to topple onto the guest bed, there is actual dirt tracked all over the house from the younger one's muddy boots, the couch is covered in books and I have barely enough room to sit on it here with my laptop. And I will not tell you about the state of my clothes storage problem in the bedroom because it is too sad.

    But!
    [ack! I have more to say, and I will come back and add the rest but right now, my alarm just went off which means it's time to get ready to walk the bigger one home from kindergarten, and the younger has just come to tell me she's poopy. ha! so, to be continued.]

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    1. So.
      But! All the mess isn't getting to me today. It does some days, though. But today I'm glad the couch is covered with books, I'm glad of the mud because I love that they love to play outside. I'm even glad it's laundry day. I'm glad I let myself take a break to visit the internet, and very glad to see a post from you. Please cut yourself some slack! The messy house is a temporary situation. Soon enough they'll be in school all day and there will be more time for all of that clean-house type stuff.

      I know it's not only about the state of the house, though. Can I just say, wow they're both tucked in by 8:00? That is awesome. That alone is reason to see you're doing great. And I love knowing that you maybe have some grownup time in the evening, perhaps even a little while before you conk out yourself. Oh and the food! Hehe, yeah, they eat a lot of macaroni here. At least there are several things he'll eat! I've known some much pickier eaters. I think my mom is eternally disappointed that I don't feed the girls what the grownups are eating. But I got tired of that fight really quick too. I figure, at least they're eating!

      ANYWAY. Motherhood is hard, and you are not alone. Hang in there.

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    2. Oh, Laura, thank you thank you THANK YOU for all of this. You made me feel so much better knowing I am not alone in my insanity of piles. I know our house makes Nick crazy because there are so many piles of stuff. The dining room table is a revolving platform of folded laundry. There are piles of clean laundry all over the dressers. The laundry multiplies like gremlins in water! Argh! Anyway, you hang in there, too. It is hard and I am so happy to know I am in this with smart, awesome, struggle-with-constant-mess women.

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  7. I have been lucky enough to stay home most of my children's lives. I loved it and they have often told me they loved it. The down side was people asking me "so what do you do?" I never did have an answer that I could say quickly and that I didn't sound like I was explaining my choice. Now I'm old and can say I'm retired. The one thing I can say is kids who's parent stays home don't turn out any better or worse. But I think I was happier. And I fed my kids all the same things because even when you are home there is still plenty to be done. And don't forget to take a lunch break etc. for your self. You begin to feel guilty like your not doing enough. I kept a list of all the things I did all day. To keep the family going and that made me feel better. My husband loved having me home and whenever I would mention getting a job so I could have a break he would try hard to talk me out of it. I say try it. Ad see how it goes.

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  8. I have been lucky enough to stay home most of my children's lives. I loved it and they have often told me they loved it. The down side was people asking me "so what do you do?" I never did have an answer that I could say quickly and that I didn't sound like I was explaining my choice. Now I'm old and can say I'm retired. The one thing I can say is kids who's parent stays home don't turn out any better or worse. But I think I was happier. And I fed my kids all the same things because even when you are home there is still plenty to be done. And don't forget to take a lunch break etc. for your self. You begin to feel guilty like your not doing enough. I kept a list of all the things I did all day. To keep the family going and that made me feel better. My husband loved having me home and whenever I would mention getting a job so I could have a break he would try hard to talk me out of it. I say try it. Ad see how it goes.

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  9. Stop Pumping! Nurse India in the mornings and evenings, formula during the day. Yes it can be done and
    the stress on you will be much less. Sometimes there is no getting around having to work or perhaps wanting the extras for your family that your paycheck can bring. But, you will be the best mother you can be with the least amount of baggage - So take a lunch every day, make sure and go outside and plant your feet on mother earth - you wouldn't hesitate to see this as valuable time for anyone else in your family - Do the same for yourself.

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  10. One of my friends framed this feeling well for me. She just said "I feel like I'm doing a mediocre job at everything." And that IS the way that parenting and working at the same time feels. Though it may also be the way that being busy at just parenting or just working feels. . . A year and a half ago I made the decision to cut out EVERYTHING except for work and family. Not raise my hand to volunteer for anything, not help organize the reunion, not do anything extra at work. It's made a HUGE difference. Not the least of which is because I now have the space to see friends again, take on the hobbies I miss, etc. And when there's a bump in the road -- a flat tire, a sick kid, a major deadline -- I don't fall apart because I am stretched so tight. (Also, and you know this, but you must remember: it DOES get better as the kids start to get less needy.) (I think all of that may have added up to my echoing the sentiment above to stop pumping. I do still feel kinda guilty that I stopped pumping at about 3 months with my daughter as opposed to 8 months with Ben, but not really. I just decided that when I wasn't around formula would be fine.)

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