Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Cabbage is magic and so are Ryan Gosling's abs

I've learned or realized a number of things recently:

1. I think the ideal time to fart in public is when you are just about to get on an elevator.  That way the doors close and whisk you away.

A bad time to do so is in an elevator, even if you’re the only one in there. Because, besides the obvious negative of being stuck in a small enclosed space – even smaller than an airplane, which is perhaps the most terrible place to have a terrible fart – invariably the doors open to people who get in and know it was you. 

2. I'm a sleeper-arounder in my dreams.

Because the other night I dreamt that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie wanted to marry me (I know, I know, the arrogance on my part) but I had to tell them that actually, I was pregnant in both my uteruses, and while I was sure that one baby was theirs, I didn't actually know about the other one. Which wasn't Nick's.

I awoke all, Brad Pitt? He was so cute in Thelma and Louise, but now he just looks dirty to me.

3. Ryan Gosling, on the other hand, is kind of a delightful bon-bon.

How am I so many years behind in learning this? We recently watched Crazy, Stupid, Love and I gasped audibly when the man took off his shirt. Holy Christmas, people.

I love my big bear of a husband and I'm not at all wishing I were with Ryan Gosling instead but I cannot promise that I wouldn't ask if I could just pat his abs once - in a totally innocuous, friendly kind of way - if he were, I don't know, a friend or neighbor or I passed him on the street or something.

4. Shopping on zulily is dangerous.

So, a friend was wearing a very cute dress one day and I complimented her and asked where it was from and then she sent me a zulily invitation and said that if I signed up from her link and then ordered something, she'd get $20 in credit.

Of course I signed up and of course I ordered something because the deals! They arrive in your inbox and oh, the cute! And the brands!

Aaaand I may or may not have just ordered a pair of Fly London boots because one, they are awesome, and two, you know I have a boot problem.

Basically, I need to start recruiting zuliliers to support my habit. God. Does that make it like offering your friends drugs?

5. Cabbage is magic. This one is a re-learn. I knew this three years ago when that vegetable basically saved my life.

I am cutting down on the pumping, which last week led to some boob backing-up and soreness and I am not kidding you when I say that it's kind of hard to focus on anything else when you have a big, solid, scorchingly painful lump in your boob. You're in a meeting and all you can think is "MY BOOB! MY BOOB IS ENGORGING AS WE SPEAK!"

Or anyway, something along those lines.

And I'm not so great with the pumping anyway, so fixing a boob crisis with a pump never works for me. I got India to do some sideways nursing, to which she was amenable in the middle of the night but pretty what the fuck in the morning when she knew what was going on.

And - most importantly! - I stuck a couple leaves of cabbage in my bra on the hurty side. I had to change it a couple times, and within a day, fixed!

I am telling you: magic!

Maybe not so magic if your objective is not to fart in elevators or where-have-you, but that's if you eat it. Sticking it in your bra is a whole nother matter.


  1. You can send me an invite! Can't *promise* that I'll buy anything, but maybe...

    I find Mr. Gosling more attractive with facial hair than without, but he doesn't do it for me, really. He just seems kind of... bland, maybe?

    1. Ok, I will do so!

      And I think I like bland, actually. I like really clean cut, non-edgy men. But I didn't swoon until he removed his shirt.

  2. I've never shopped on Zulily. I'm totally ready to try a new drug, send me an invite too!

  3. 1. This is hysterically funny. It never occurred to me an elevator could whisk one away as you describe.
    3. I once saw a pedicab driver in Austin who looked exactly like Ryan Gosling. People in Austin go crazy over Ryan Gosling, he was here recently shooting a Terrance Malick movie with Natalie Portman
    4. I don't understand the term boot problem. Which likely confirms I have the same problem.
    5. Glad the magic is back! I can't imagine how difficult it would be to focus at work when you're hurting and uncomfortable. Perhaps you could bring up the caulk issue to distract everyone and the meeting would adjourn?

    1. Well, I suppose whisk is an exaggeration. But it does remove you!
      And except for following Paul Ryan Gosling on twitter during the election, I never gave RG a moment of thought prior to that movie!
      Aaand you must be right. Or there is no problem.
      Damn! Why didn't I think to bring up caulk?!?

  4. The same thing happened to me with Ryan Gosling - had no idea till Crazy, Stupid Love - which I absolutely LOVE by the way. He is a fucking god. that's all i have to say. and i am sorry if people are religious but i don't usually equate any person to god except Gandhi and Bono, so this is serious.

  5. He is delicious. I don't know that I'd stick him with Gandhi and Bono myself, but I don't question you doing so!

  6. Send me a Zulily invite, woman! It's rude to not offer drugs to everyone at the party.

  7. color me intrigued by this zulilly of which you speak...and also? i have been told, by literally tens of people, that emma stone in crazy stupid love specifically, but also emma stone in general, is, um, me. yanno, fifteen years younger. and thin and hot. but, personality and voice and gestures and what not = moi. discuss.

    1. I think I only have your FB email...but I will try it.

      Also - YES! I never gave any thought to Emma Stone before that movie, but she is lovely and you DO look like her! I don't know about your voice and gestures, but in looks, wow! Lucky you for the good genes!

    2. you are ridiculous, my dear. truthfully, the hubs nods wildly at a) her reaction to the removal or ryan's shirt, and b), the talky-talky bedroomy scene. apparently my lack of filter knows no bounds ;)

  8. I'm up at 3 am reading this while I pump (every 3 hours round the clock) and two days ago my pumping bra arrived and CHANGED MY LIFE!!! And you can't really post that kind of thing on Facebook, ya know? So I'm telling you. But I really must remember that cabbage thing - weird!

    1. Yes, I understand!! You can also loop rubber bands around the nipple shields and hook them over your nursing bra hooks to hold them up.

    2. Wow - i never would have thought of that. You're like the MacGyver of pumping!


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