Cabbage is magic and so are Ryan Gosling's abs

I've learned or realized a number of things recently:

1. I think the ideal time to fart in public is when you are just about to get on an elevator.  That way the doors close and whisk you away.

A bad time to do so is in an elevator, even if you’re the only one in there. Because, besides the obvious negative of being stuck in a small enclosed space – even smaller than an airplane, which is perhaps the most terrible place to have a terrible fart – invariably the doors open to people who get in and know it was you. 

2. I'm a sleeper-arounder in my dreams.

Because the other night I dreamt that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie wanted to marry me (I know, I know, the arrogance on my part) but I had to tell them that actually, I was pregnant in both my uteruses, and while I was sure that one baby was theirs, I didn't actually know about the other one. Which wasn't Nick's.

I awoke all, Brad Pitt? He was so cute in Thelma and Louise, but now he just looks dirty to me.

3. Ryan Gosling, on the other hand, is kind of a delightful bon-bon.

How am I so many years behind in learning this? We recently watched Crazy, Stupid, Love and I gasped audibly when the man took off his shirt. Holy Christmas, people.

I love my big bear of a husband and I'm not at all wishing I were with Ryan Gosling instead but I cannot promise that I wouldn't ask if I could just pat his abs once - in a totally innocuous, friendly kind of way - if he were, I don't know, a friend or neighbor or I passed him on the street or something.

4. Shopping on zulily is dangerous.

So, a friend was wearing a very cute dress one day and I complimented her and asked where it was from and then she sent me a zulily invitation and said that if I signed up from her link and then ordered something, she'd get $20 in credit.

Of course I signed up and of course I ordered something because the deals! They arrive in your inbox and oh, the cute! And the brands!

Aaaand I may or may not have just ordered a pair of Fly London boots because one, they are awesome, and two, you know I have a boot problem.

Basically, I need to start recruiting zuliliers to support my habit. God. Does that make it like offering your friends drugs?

5. Cabbage is magic. This one is a re-learn. I knew this three years ago when that vegetable basically saved my life.

I am cutting down on the pumping, which last week led to some boob backing-up and soreness and I am not kidding you when I say that it's kind of hard to focus on anything else when you have a big, solid, scorchingly painful lump in your boob. You're in a meeting and all you can think is "MY BOOB! MY BOOB IS ENGORGING AS WE SPEAK!"

Or anyway, something along those lines.

And I'm not so great with the pumping anyway, so fixing a boob crisis with a pump never works for me. I got India to do some sideways nursing, to which she was amenable in the middle of the night but pretty what the fuck in the morning when she knew what was going on.

And - most importantly! - I stuck a couple leaves of cabbage in my bra on the hurty side. I had to change it a couple times, and within a day, fixed!

I am telling you: magic!

Maybe not so magic if your objective is not to fart in elevators or where-have-you, but that's if you eat it. Sticking it in your bra is a whole nother matter.