Take your economy car and your suitcase…

I’m not, in general, a wasteful human being.

Except for my love of bulk shopping at Costco, and my adoration of frivolous shoes, and it must be said, sparkles, I try to be a responsible citizen of the earth.

I don’t eat a whole lot of meat or processed food. I walk to work, and in fact, just about everywhere. When I do drive, I drive a Honda. I recycle. I tend to give real thought to purchases, I take care of my clothes and keep them a long time, and I’m genuinely pleased when I actually wear something out.

Right.

So it is with no small amount of shock and shame that I tell you the following.

We were bringing furniture back from Nick’s parents’ house, and Nick suggested we just get a truck for the drive. We rented a Ford Expedition and hauled ourselves to New Jersey and back in it.

Ford Expeditions, if you’re unfamiliar with them, are gigantor SUVs. This vehicle was approximately the size of the condo I lived in for six years, in which I had plenty of space. Except for the fact that it lacks a bathroom, a family could live in it. Seriously.

When Nick pulled up in front of the house to pick us up Thanksgiving morning, he basically blocked the street by double-parking. He kept having to drive around the block because people couldn’t pass him. Jordan was so impressed. “Woooah! Is that our truck, Mama?”

Let me mention that my son currently hopes to be a garbage truck driver when he grows up. He does not, however, seem to plan to collect any trash; he focuses entirely on how FAST he is going to drive the BIG TRUCK around the city.

This was a BIG TRUCK and my little boy was delighted.

I'm one of these people who can never remember where the car is, but this one was so easy to find in any parking lot, because it was generally the biggest car around. I had to pull myself up and kind of hop to get in.

 It gets about 16 miles to the gallon. You can basically see large swaths of the rainforest being decimated with each passing mile. It is giant and wasteful and menacing. It looks at smaller cars all, “I eat tidbits like you for breakfast, so get the fuck out of my way.”

Basically, it was so many things that I am completely opposed to all wrapped up in one giant gas-guzzling steel thing on wheels.

 It was fantastic. I loved it.

If we lived in the country and hauled stuff and, I don’t know, lived the exact opposite of our current lives, I would totally want one.

Having one of those in the city would be insanity, because can you imagine trying to parallel park it? And it would also be tantamount to saying, “Hi! I’m an asshole! I like to use up the world’s resources driving three blocks to the store in my apartment on wheels!”

Also, I was too scared to drive it at all. So there’s that.