I assume this is because I'm an introvert, but maybe it's because I'm me. I don't know if other people are like this as well, but sometimes I am just so not in the mood to hear my husband, light of my life, love of my days, talk.
Sometimes in the evening - and tonight, post-back-to-school-night, was one of them - I just want to sit in the living room in peace. The kids are in bed, Betty has gone up, and I just want to sit here and read blog posts or respond to emails or write or browse the Internet, or hell, I don't know, pick my nose.
Without any talking, without interacting. No music. No extra sounds. I don't want to react. I don't want to generate conversation. I don't want to feign interest. I just want to be in my own little head, in my own little space.
Nick, however, doesn't seem to have this need. He's happy to just talk and talk. We don't see each other enough, and when we do, he wants to chat.
Whereas sometimes I feel like it would be so nice if we could just BE. Not talking. Just being.
It's not that I need to be all alone, although that is lovely on occasion. It's that I don't want to see him. I just don't want to talk to him.
And after a certain number of "Mmm hmm," and "Huh, that's interesting," and "Ah"s, I kind of want to yell, "PLEASE STOP TALKING TO ME JUST STOP STOP STOP TALKING I JUST WANT TO NOT TALK I DON'T FEEL LIKE PAYING ATTENTION TO YOU LET'S PLAY THE QUIET GAME NO MORE TALKING."
But I don't.
Sometimes I get critical. Sometimes I get all argumentative, because I just don't want to engage, and whatever he is saying is irritating, even if yesterday I might've agreed. Because responding is tiresome, and it would be so much more soothing to be silent.
I haven't quite worked out what to do about this.
I SO hear you on this. And then I feel like an ass when I don't want to talk to my husband. I feel like I listen to people talk all day at work, and I'd just really like some quiet at the end of my day.
ReplyDeleteLots of evenings I want to talk to him once the house gets quiet, because we just don't have enough time together. But when I don't want to talk, when I want to be in my own head, I REALLY don't want to engage.
DeleteThat used to be me and Gerardo, but with a role reversal with me as the talker. Now we're pretty much even about not wanting to blabber at each other (in addition to the two kids, on my side that might also be a function of being a therapist and having to talk and listen all day at work). But what I do, whether with the kids or Ger (on those rare moments when he gets blabby) is just say "Mommy is having quiet time. I need X amount of no talking. LOve you dearly, but I am not available right now!"
ReplyDeleteI am actually giggling at the vision of G being blabby! He's a good conversationalist, but the idea of him chatting away incessantly is hard to imagine! But I think being clear on what you need and that setting up some parameters is smart.
DeleteOH yes! My hubs is the chatty one, and while I love him dearly, sometimes I'm just like, "STFU, whydontcha!"
ReplyDeleteYes! Just stop talking! I love you please stop talking!
Deletei had to explain this to my husband. it's now scheduled, no joke. i get one hour (at minimum) where he will just let me be without speaking. honestly, it's ok to ask for this time and he likes talking to me much more after i've had this moment.
ReplyDeleteYes! Once I've had some quiet time, I'm happy to engage. But when I need it and don't get it, I'm a harpy!
DeleteMy BF and I have an understanding, all we have to say to the other person is that "I need my bubble", that way he knows I'm not being cranky "at him" and that it has nothing to do with him, I just need a little space.
ReplyDeleteThis also makes sure that when I am mad at him and don't mention the bubble, he knows and doesn't take it as needing my space lol
My husband and I have actually said to one another (at different times) If it's not an emergency, it's no talking time. It's rarely used, but when it is, we respect it til whoever invoked it talks again.
ReplyDeleteIf you figure this out, please share. This is, no joke, one of the biggest things that causes fights between my (chatty) husband and my (not so chatty) self. I have zero idea how to deal with it.
ReplyDeletePlus, he likes to just come into a room and *start talking* even if I'm in the middle of doing something (reading, mostly) & then gets mad when I'm not entirely engaged right away. Which is its own special fun.
I'm not a talker, so I totally get you. I just told the Husband one day I need him to keep quiet for an hour, completely silently silent or I would have to physically hurt him and I didn't want to do that. He was shocked (and quiet) and then just told me to let him know, possibly less emphatically, next time and he'd just go talk to himself elsewhere.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if it's worse now that you don't have a commute to transition between work and home lives, and have some blissful solitude. You might consider scheduling some time like that on the regular, just so you don't feel like screaming stfu! at nick.
ReplyDelete