Six categories of totally legitimate reasons to fling yourself on the ground and scream. (Ages 1-4)

1. Shoes:
1. Have straps. Straaaaaaaaaps. And no matter how hard you pick at them, the Velcro holds. The fucking Velcro! Life is tragic.
2. Must be worn to leave the house. Who came up with this bullshit?
3. Cannot locate themselves. 
4. Fit on particular feet. It is not arbitrary.
2. Waffles:
1. Do not magically appear in the freezer and sometimes run out. They are the only thing you want to eat.
2. Are loathsome. You don't want to even take a bite. You wanted a bagel. Or cereal. It's hard to tell. You can't articulate.
3. This waffle piece is still connected to that waffle piece. They need to be separated.
4. Also, there is not enough syrup. Not! Enough! Syrup!
5. But you didn't want syrup. You wanted jam. 
6. You didn't want it cut it into pieces. You wanted to eat it whole, like a sandwich.
3. Your friend Sophie: 
1. Is talking about the dump truck. You saw the duuump truck! No talking (by anyone but you) about the dump truck!
2. Has the audacity to walk quickly while we are walking slowly. (Perhaps because it is hard to sob and walk quickly? Perhaps because she is trying to distance herself from the noise? In any case, the inhumanity.)
4. Grilled cheese:
1. Is not supposed to be cut like that. It is supposed to be cut "sidey."
2. Is not mac and cheese.
3. Contains cheese. Too much cheese!
5.  Water:
1. Is too wet. In the bath.
2.  Gets in your noooose when you try to breathe underwater.
3. Is coldy! When you ask for cold ice water.
6. School shirts:
1. Are plain white.
2. With no designs. The hell?
3. Are for school. Which you go to on all the not-stay-home days, to your chagrin. Fucking school shirts.