Wednesday, May 28, 2014

So basically we've got a lot riding on Will Shortz

Last summer, on Nick's annual work retreat, we were out for dinner with two other couples and one consciously uncoupled friend, and we were talking about relationships and maintaining them and enjoying each other and such.

Specifically, we were talking about the things we all like to do in our leisure time, and the kinds of things they tend to do together as couples.

Someone asked us about sailing, which Nick loves and I do not. I don't begrudge him the boat, and I don't even dislike sailing. In fact, when I was in high school my family took an amazing two-week trip through the Greek isles on a small sailboat. It was spectacular. I would do this again in a second. And this time I wouldn't buy that shameful Disco 69 shirt or wear all that blue eyeliner. (What? Like you made a ton of great fashion choices at 17?)

But back to Nick's boat. Actually, I like the boat. It is old and beautiful and has a lot of wood, and he's put a lot of work into it.

What I dislike are the following: lots of wind; being unable to leave a place when I want to; and being criticized and yelled at. Sailing with Nick for me is all of these, tied up with sailing ropes and topped with a shouty bow.

Now, it is true that that one time while he was trying to put up the sail and I was supposed to be heading straight into the wind, which you can tell if you point your face way up to the sky and keep an eye on the little wind thingy on top of the mast, I was instead sailing us in circles. Which was making his job terribly hard. And it is also true that if he'd gotten knocked into the water we'd have been fucked.

So there may have been good reason to yell and me and tell me that I was doing it all wrong and how fucking hard is it to steer into the wind and couldn't I tell that we were going in circles and what the fuck is wrong with me.

It is further true, as I bellowed back at him, that I don't fucking know how to steer a boat and staring up at that little wind thingy is hard and I'm not even that good at driving a car so shut the fuck up and I am never doing this again.

And so I encourage him to make boat friends. I mean it sincerely and truly. (Although let's be clear: I don't mean like hot young Swedish bikini-clad ones. I mean more like paunchy middle aged men kinds of ones.)

So then, the friends asked, do we play tennis? Because Nick is a good tennis player, and had played that morning.

No, I said. I don't know how. Plus, it turns out that with my astigmatism I have a reason for never having had an accurate idea of where the ball actually was in any of the hand-eye coordination sports I've ever tried to play.

There is more than one reason I am not a team player.

So then, one asked, what kinds of things do we like to do together? What do we have in common?

I could see on Nick's face that he was doing the same mental searching that I was. Yikes. Do we really have nothing in common?

The truth is, not much.

I mean, we have compatible worldviews, and the same values and approach to spending money. We put family first, and our weekends are mainly spent doing things with the kids. We like each other's brains, and we find each other funny. We are coming up on seven years together. And we could not talk or talk forever and still find things to not talk about.

But in terms of activities, well, there's very little we like to do together. Maybe this will be a problem later, when our kids are gone? I don't know, but I don't think so. I certainly hope not.

But that night, at that table, we both shrugged.

So I said, "I think all we've got is sex. And crosswords."

14 comments:

  1. I laughed pretty hard at this. Sounds like you've got plenty to keep you both interested in each others lives. I could never be bored if I was married to you, so there is THAT! And wow, seven years? So much has happened and yet it seems like only yesterday you rented the car with the big car rented sign thingy :)

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    1. Thanks, Lynn! I think we are interested in each other as whole people. We just don't like doing the same stuff. I am glad to know that you'd never be bored if we were married! :) This November will be seven years. So we're just past 6.5. Crazy to me!

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  2. Sex and crosswords can take people a long way...

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  3. Agree with Wendy, sex and crosswords will take you far in love. Y'all are a great couple. You appreciate one another's humor, so even if you're not doing the same activity, you're laughing through life together and are both so intelligent and witty so life will never be boring (even when the little ones grow up) rather fulfilled. Cheers to seven years and your beautiful family!

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    1. I love you, Heather! You are the best ray of sunshine! We mostly appreciate each other's humor, and I am never, ever bored with him, which for me is huge! Thank you!

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  4. If someone can yell at you and you can yell back and you still like each other's brains and want to have sex? It's working. xoxo

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    1. Ha! I like that as a yardstick! Thanks, Lisa!

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  5. SEVEN years? I can't believe I've "known" you that long! I actually didn't realize until you posted this that I don't have a ton in common with my husband either. I'm a firm believer that opposite partners are the best, because we compliment each other perfectly. I bet that's it for you and Nick too.

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    1. We met seven years ago this fall! It is weird to think about, because now I've been blogging for a LONG time!

      If I think about it, I haven't ever been with a guy who was much like me, and actually, Nick has a lot in common with other men I've dated. So he is definitely my type!

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  6. My husband and I are in the same boat. On the surface, we have nothing in common. But it works. We've been married 11 years.

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    1. Wow - 11 years! Yes! I think having common values and goals goes very far.

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  7. The Giant and I have been together 16 years. And we don't do a lot of the same things. I don't begrudge him his hobbies, he leaves me alone to read.

    When it works, it works. We're very compatible in terms of personality, sense of humor and we could spend time just being in the same room doing totally separate things.

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    1. That seems to me to be very important - you support him in doing what he wants to do, and he's not trying to drag you along and make you be interested in it.

      The people I feel the best with are the ones with whom I can just BE - who can be in the same room as me and not have to interact.

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