Wednesday, February 25, 2015

12 Things Worse Than Throwing Up All Day (But not as bad as Ebola, cancer, ALS, plane crash, being chained to a train track, getting beheaded by ISIS, traveling back to a previous life only to find yourself on the Titanic, etc.)

This is not a definitive list, nor is it in order of terribleness.

And obviously it's subjective. I mean, there are probably those among us who'd be fine eating a plate of runny egg whites. And many humans like Will Ferrell.

Yesterday after 2.5 hours of dental work, during which time I was afraid I'd throw up (Could I ever live down puking on my dentist?), I came home and spent the rest of the day vomiting. I couldn't sleep in between running to the bathroom because my whole body hurt.

As one might imagine, I was feeling quite sorry for myself.

I hate throwing up with the burning hatred of hatey-hate. I'd much rather have diarrhea. I'd rather go skydiving naked, even though that sounds really cold and windy and possibly deathy—three more things I loathe.

I felt such self-pity that I listened to For Good sung by Kristin Chenoweth, which I was introduced to by my dear ex-blogger friend Steve, and which always makes me cry. I couldn't watch, but put my phone on the pillow next to my ear and gently wept.

Yes. I was there.

When I get to the point of thinking "What could be worse?" I tend to start making lists of things that could be worse. So.

12 Things Worse Than Throwing Up All Day 
(But not as bad as Ebola, cancer, ALS, plane crash, being chained to a train track, getting beheaded by ISIS, traveling back to a previous life only to find yourself on the Titanic, etc.)
  1. Bleeding from your eyeballs.
  2. Guinea worm.
  3. Forced marriage to Dick Cheney.

    This one turns out to be contentious. My practical Canadian friend Rob points out that he is 74 and worth $90 million, so really. Now, I have considered foot prostitution as an alternate career (but have since been told by foot lovers that no, I couldn't make it as one), and I do think we all have our price...but I guess this means my price is higher than $90M?

    Also. I believe that Cheney has Horcruxes hidden all over the planet and as such, will never die.

    My friend Andrew also says how could I be sure he'd have me?

    Listen, people, all I'm saying is, this would be a thing worse than throwing up all day.
  4. Botfly (thanks for the reminder, Jessica!).
  5. Having to give an elephant a blow job (credit to Kristin for this one).
  6. At the risk of being repetitive, having your limbs hacked off by Hutus. Or anyone, now that I think about it some more.
  7. Being locked in a room with a continuous loop of Will Ferrell movies on high volume.
  8. Having to eat a plate of runny egg whites.
  9. Some of my Internet dates. Like this one and the mean one that inspired this post.
  10. Sitting in the window seat of a no-recline aisle on a long plane flight, both without the feeling of easy access to an emergency exit (aisle seat! I need an aisle seat!) and near an over-used bathroom.
  11. Getting attacked by a rabid raccoon. Or potential rabies. Let's just say potential rabies. Because actual rabies is in the beheading category.

  12. An hour with one of my old bosses. The one who insisted that we make Canada smaller than the US on our website map, so that American members wouldn't think we thought Canadians were more important.

    I would definitely rather vomit all day than spend time with her. I might even rather bleed from my eyeballs.

1 comment:

  1. Have you seen "Stranger Than Fiction?" Ferrell CAN act, when he's not making stupid shit.

    ReplyDelete

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