Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Monkey porn

I used to read Cosmo when I traveled. It was both mindless and fun -perfect for the plane. Little fashion, little dating advice, makeup tips, etc. But the article titles were always so embarrassing, and were in large enough font and bold enough colors that the guy three rows away could see them.

So everyone knew you were reading "Masturbation at the Office! Should You or Shouldn't You?" or "Quiz: Anal Sex - Is It for You?"

Or some such thing that made you feel like a total deviant, just by virtue of the fact that you were holding it in your hands.

I stopped picking up a Cosmo years ago, and instead bring New Yorkers along for the plane. I am always, always behind in my reading. So when I travel, I always have at least a couple in my bag. Plus they are handy for anyone who might seem in need of some TLC.

Anyway, New Yorkers make me happy. The writing is excellent, you learn interesting things, and the magazine is dense enough that it can last you for quite a while. Very helpful when traveling.

So the July 30 issue, which I read on the way to New Orleans, has an article about bonobos, which are similar to chimpanzees, but smaller and happier and more peaceful. They have very sweet monkey faces. And they only live in one tiny area of the Democratic Republic of Congo.

If you Google "bonobos" (with the S - bonobo singular just gives you links) the first thing you will see is pictures of them having sex. Because, according to this article, they do it all the time. Which, it is posited, is why they are so happy and peaceful. They have sex instead of conflict. It's a nice idea, but I was trying to imagine a human society with the bonobo approach.

Like, you have a car accident, and both people are furious.

"WTF?? There was a green turn arrow!"

"You were speeding! Asshole!

"What do you think? Should we just fuck it out?"

Not so much.

So back to the bonobos and the New Yorker. On one of the pages of the article was this large picture of two bonobos having sex. The female is laying on her back, arms back, legs wrapped around the male on top of her. She has this eyes rolled up blissful look on her face.

The article was interesting but the whole time I was reading I was painfully aware of this picture. I kept the magazine open rather than having the monkey sex picture facing my fellow travelers in the airport.

Look! Reading the New Yorker! Literature! Not monkey porn!

20 comments:

  1. I stopped reading cosmos for the same reason. I love mindless magazines, but it's soooo embarassing.

    So instead of saying "Let's have crazy monkey sex" you can say "Let's have crazy bonobo sex"? Or even, "let's go bonobo."

    I like.

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  2. One wonders what Justice Stewart would have thought of your magazine.

    I am such a nerd.

    Also, the phrase "New Yorkers make me happy" isn't something one sees very often.

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  3. Perhaps the best collection of travel stories - right here on LG.

    Have you read Domino magazine? It's always in my carry on bag.

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  4. How ironic that you brought literature just looks just like the monkey porn you left at home because it embarrassed you.

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  5. Hey now... bonobos aren't Monkeys. Monkeys are a totally different branch of the of the family tree.

    Monkey sex is a completely different thing. Just think about it, most Monkeys have tails... just imagine what you would do with a tail while having sex. Especially if you were a New World monkey with a prehensile tail! Crazy I tell you. Crazy!

    :-P

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  6. Jo - Ha ha! I like the "let's go bonobo" suggestion! And yes, Cosmo, way too embarrassing.

    Dagny - Ah, the lawyer in you peeks through - I love it! I guess he'd have recognized it when he saw it, huh?

    HKW - How sweet! Thank you! And no, I've never heard of Domino mag. Will have to google it.

    HIN - I know, right! How ridiculous is that?

    VVK - Oops! Miscategorizing my porn again! Shockingly, I did actually stop to think about your question...What would I actually do if I had a tail? Wtf?

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  7. "Should we just fuck it out?"

    Two things:
    1. That's a very dangerous line in what is otherwise a very quiet office. Darn you.
    2. Any guy will tell you the answer to this question is pretty much always a resounding 'yes.' I guess it depends on who, er, rams whom. As it were.

    And to take Jo's suggestion one step further:
    to go bonobo = to bonobone.

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  8. I think fucking it out would totally be better for the world in general.

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  9. :)))
    This is a great one!You're so funny L,and a great writer!
    Yeah, I stoped reading Cosmo too b/c I made me feel stupid.Now I'm reading Marie Claire;-)Talking about an upgrade;-)
    xoxo
    M.

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  10. Holy crap this is the funniest thing I have read in a long time,
    "So everyone knew you were reading "Masturbation at the Office! Should You or Shouldn't You?" or "Quiz: Anal Sex - Is It for You?""

    Bonobos are one of the reasons why I chose to blog as a monkey.

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  11. I always used to read Cosmo when I was on the eliptical at the gym. Yeah, I stopped doing that one too. Now it's Us Weekly and People all the way. I think I went the opposite of you.....

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  12. We get the New Yorker at home. I was pretty surprised at the enormous monkey-fucking picture, too.

    Dude, aside from "Should we just fuck it out?" being a great line... think that through for a second...

    I'm cataloging my thankfully-few car mishaps, and I'm thinking that I'm not so sure I'd want to offer that as an option to ANY of the other parties involved.

    Ickity ick ick ick.

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  13. So of course I can't help but Goggle "bonobos." If I had known that I was going to start my Thursday with a hearty does of monkey sex, I'd probably have stayed home! There's always Friday....

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  14. Haha, sometimes I wish they would just leave the pictures out of the magazines altogether.

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  15. WiB - 1. Oops. Sorry!, 2. I'm sure you're right. And I love bonobone! Excellent word!

    SL - It could be, for sure. Although Rich makes a very good point.

    M - Marie Claire actually has some very good articles. It is definitely an upgrade! And thank you! :)

    Dr. MVM - I'm glad! Thanks! And this was the first I'd heard of bonobos. They're very cool!

    AT - US and People are much more compelling than Cosmo. I always feel guilty reading them but they are a particular pleasure.

    Rich - After you said that I did the same review. And came up with ickety ick ick ick as well.

    Riley - Ha ha! There are worse ways to start the day.

    MM - I'm so visual that I really like the pics. But seriously, this one made me feel dirty.

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  16. Just when We, Ourselves, decide to ask, "Just what is that Lemon Gloria person offering The Daily Pitchfork and its readers these days?" you bring us this wonderful soil covered truffle proving once again you belong in Our blog's Champagne Room.

    Now We hope to get the research staff back in their chairs once the wave of laughter subsides!

    Keep up the good work and a hearts felt

    Qu'ul cuda praedex nihil!

    to you and yours.

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  17. This just goes to show you that "sophisticated" literary people are still obsessed with sex. They just hide it behind the guise of monkeys.

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  18. Pain - Thanks very much!

    Moosie - You are so right. Sex as a topic interests everyone. And really it just depends on how you choose to couch it.

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  19. I remember that my past anthropology classes always talked about the bonobos quite extensively because of their very human traits (like having sex for fun, and facing each other while doing it), so you're still totally highbrow. I mean, if it's good enough for scholars... unless there was a heading like, "Do bonobos take back-door deliveries?" :)

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  20. MG! - Yes, they're actually really interesting. And your fictitious heading made me laugh out loud.

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