Monday, April 28, 2008

I am the last person to speculate on normal, but I do know you shouldn't miss your turn

So I note interesting Google searches leading to LG, even if I don't write about them all that often.

And this one - "what is the normal amount of time to take a poo in a day?" - caught my eye. Because I've gotta say, while I don't have an answer, I do spend an inordinate amount of time thinking and talking about poo.

And for those of you who hate this topic - sorry in advance for this post. You're gonna hate it.

It's true. Sometimes you'll have a really bizarre poo - maybe an unusual size or color - and you'll want to share the experience with someone else, and you'll maybe even be about to. . .and then you'll realize that, um, it's poo. And you just need to flush and wash your hands and pretend you're a normal human being.

But that pretense of normalcy doesn't necessarily stop you from telling your closest friends or family about it.

Or maybe you won't poo for several days - and that merits discussion as well. In fact, that often means more discussion, because when is it going to happen? And if you are traveling it becomes a daily question. Maybe you stop asking, but returning from the bathroom garners raised eyebrows.

Which I realize is not the international symbol for, "Did you poo?" But in context, you know.

Hopefully raised eyebrows. . .Head shake. . ."Ah, well. Maybe later."

So anyway.

If I tried to answer, I'd say we're all different. But you can probably divide the the poo world pretty accurately between men and women. Because one of the major differences I've decided there are between men and women - and please correct me if I'm wrong - is their approach to poo.

Men at the office will very cavalierly walk towards the bathroom with the office copy of the Post under their arm. And I'm thinking "Note to self: read the Post online."

Walking toward the bathroom with a newspaper is tantamount to waving on your way out the door and saying, "Yup! Off to defecate! And catch up on the day's news! I'm a multi-tasker!"

Honestly. I haven't noticed it at my current office, but I've certainly seen it. And while I know these men aren't wiping their asses with the paper, I still don't want those potential poo molecules on my news.

Plus - and this is actually something I envy - I get the sense that each guy is programmed with his Time Of Day. Whatever time it is - first thing in the morning, mid-day, whenever - is The Time. The Time to head to the bathroom with one's reading material or BlackBerry.

Seriously. There is a guy who walks through the gym in our building right around 1:00 pm every day. If I'm working out mid-day, I'll see him come through. He walks through, goes to the locker room, emerges about 20 minutes later, and leaves. Unless he goes in there to masturbate, I think 1:00 pm is his Time.

Truthfully, I think this scheduled approach would be convenient. You'd know to clear your calendar during your daily poo time. Oh, no meetings from 10:30-11:100! That's Poo Time!

And men will spend extraordinary lengths of time in the bathroom. It makes me wonder if it actually takes that long or if they're used to that schedule, so stick to it and just wait for it to happen. Because they have the reading material until it does.

Me, I never have any vague idea. It could be any number of times today. Or not till tomorrow. I might suddenly be all, oh! have to poo! And then I'm in and out in five minutes. It might be at a completely inconvenient time, but there's nothing to be done about it. Because you don't want to miss your turn.

I had a friend whose mother used this term to teach her as a kid to go when she needed to.

"Sweetheart, you don't want to miss your turn!"

Because you could skip your turn and then who knows when it'll be your turn again?

The notion of knowing ahead of time, and setting aside the time to read an article or answer email, while odd to me, would be kind of nice. You'd have your routine, and the private time (albeit on a toilet seat) and that would be that.

It's not like anyone could reasonably claim during that time that their task was somehow more immediate or urgent.


  1. I laughed so hard at this. My honey is definitely on a schedule. I poo willy nilly like you.

    And since we're sharing, I thought you'd like to know that it's that time of year again. Yep. Peeing jars.

  2. Not for nothing, but if you go at the same time everyday (hold it until then), your body will schedule you to go at that time everyday.

    Of course, then you go on vacation and your whole schedule is off. But in general, unless I'm sick, I never go in the office, because it's not my "time" to go.

  3. DCup - Poo willy nilly - THAT made me laugh. And the jars - heh heh.

    Beach Bum - Huh, I had never thought of that. I guess that makes sense. Vacations always throw me all kinds of off.

  4. I usually poo in the morning, and when I don't, it throws off my day, because then you're wondering, when will I poo?

    Will I poo at lunch, or maybe I have to wait until tomorrow morning... Rats. And then when you do go, you're so relieved and astounded by what comes out of you that you definitely do want to tell someone about it.

    Only, like you said that's weird.

    But I'm like you, I get in, I get out and there is not much fanfare. I just don't get how men need 20 minutes. I think they must be just sitting there either waiting to poo or relaxing after pooing. But honestly, who wants to just hang out on the pot in a room you have just pooed in for an extra fifteen minutes post-poo? One would think that would be smelly and unpleasant.

    Perhaps it builds character or maybe men think that smelling noxious gas will increase the size of other things? Perplexing to be sure.

  5. Posts like this make perpetually constipated girls like me sad.

    It's okay, I still love you.

  6. True story: I had a roommate in college that took a picture of the results of a particularly strenuous poo (a close up of the bowl with an extra long, um, poo) and walked around showing it to people. I think she was proud.

    I could definitely have done without that.

  7. Slightly Disorganized - I think it would be great to have it over with for the day. I never have any idea. I seriously wonder if they're hanging out just to hang out. Maybe to build character?

    Nicole - Ugh, I'm sorry. That totally used to be me.

    Lacochran - Wow. I've never done that, but I can't say I haven't been tempted.

  8. I've never really thought about this before....and I don't want to!

    Poops and boogers make me feel all icky and squeamish.

  9. So true! And so funny! The husband's on a schedule, and I just wait for My Turn. :)

    Still giggling...

  10. At my old job my boss used to traipse off to the loo every day with the newspaper tucked under his arm, and it always made me slightly queasy. Not because I have issues with poo, but because, like you, I didn't want poo molecules all over my news.

    Great post.

  11. I giggled all the way through this post, and I've been thinking about posting on poo, but never had the courage.

    My husband was once averse to talking about poo with me, but I was relentless. This may disgust some readers, but since we only have one bathroom and leave the house at the same time in the morning ... well, let's just say he needs to poo before he leaves the house and I need to blowdry my hair.

    I've not gone for days at a time, and while it's a mysterious thing for women, I, too, envy men, especially my husband. They, um... eliminate at regular, planned intervals unlike women, where a plate of tamales may be the difference between walking home from dinner and sprinting like a madwoman.


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