Wednesday, March 11, 2009

How to make me feel extremely stupid in three to seven floors

There was that guy that I went on a few dates with several years ago. And then bumped into in my office building.

The other day we were in the elevator together. This has happened a number of times. And each time, I feel like there's this deliberate not looking.

So I decided to just say something. So in the future we could say hello as polite acquaintances.

This time, it was just the two of us. We stood in the lobby silently, got in the elevator at the same time, moved to opposite walls, and he became very intent on his BlackBerry.

So I said, "Hey! I think we know each other!"

And he looked me up and down. Slowly, deliberately, assessingly.

With his mouth he said - although sneered really was closer to the truth, "Really? And how would we know each other?"

But with his face and eyes he said, "I assure you there's no way I know anyone who would wear a pink hat and coat together. And are you actually tromping around in clogs?"

Because he is always dressed in the kind of carefully, seemingly casually put together European-y way that you know is labor intensive. My ass his hair doesn't take more time than mine in the morning.

Not that it wouldn't behoove me to spend more time on my hair. Also, on another topic, he probably doesn't use the word tromp.

But anyway.

His response caught me so off guard. I never know what to do with what seems like deliberate dickishness.

I considered saying, "Well. Once you bought me drinks. And once you took me out for dinner. And once you kissed me - very awkwardly, I might add. And we never went out again."

But I didn't. Because then it occurred to me that maybe he doesn't remember. That would make things even more awkward.

And maybe he thought I was hitting on him! And not only that, but clearly he thought I wasn't attractive enough to even chat with in the elevator!

This sequence of thoughts made me all flustered.

And so I said, "We, um, we used to bump into each other in the neighborhood."

Same casual, dubious voice. "And what neighborhood would that be?"

So I told him where I lived, and he confirmed it was right around the corner from him.

Which I knew. Meany butt wiener face.

By then I'd: 1. recovered enough to say, "I thought you looked familiar." and 2. to realize my floor was fast approaching.

This was a dumb thing to do, but at my floor I pushed back my hair with my sparkly ring hand and said, "But then I got married and moved to Virginia! Bye!"

Dread.Ful.

And the next time we're in the elevator together? I've never seen him in my entire life.

27 comments:

  1. You should have pointed to your belly and said incredulously, "What? You mean, you don't even REMEMBER me?!?"

    It's an impressive ring. Wave it at anyone who looks at you sideways, the fuckers.

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  2. Frecks - I need your fast thinking! It's so easy to make me feel self-conscious/stupid, and then I don't come up with clever answers.

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  3. Your comment was perfect. And HE is a big fat jerk, even if he does have early-onset dementia. Have fun ignoring him in the future! He is dead to you!

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  4. Haha - yes! He's dead to me! Why be so jerky? Even if I am a complete stranger?

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  5. Oh god, I wish you HAD told him that his kiss attempt was awkward. But the sparkly ring thing? Brilliant!!!

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  6. I'm trying to breathe through the seething rage that is now bubbling up inside me - about this encounter that didn't even happen to me. Empathy is well and good, but also a sure sign I've had far too many of the very same type of encounters myself. Only, they were in HIGH SCHOOL.

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  7. HAHAHAHA
    you're my favorite stranger!

    if there is a next time you should push the subject just because he's an obvious jerk (and is very possibly trying to avoid it)
    just say "hey, i remember where i know you from! you took me out one night, but i never called"
    in fact, you should make some sort of awkward conversation EVERY time you're stuck in the elevator with him, just for entertainment : )

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  8. "Meany butt wiener face"

    I am stealing this phrase and making it part of my everyday lexicon. I sense that I will be using it ALL the time.

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  9. Oh, how I wish you had called him out.

    My favorite response to deliberate dickishness is to be as saccharine as possible. But my eyes? Instead of smiling, they are giving unadulterated frosty bitch.

    And if you had said that, and he didn't remember, it would have been awkward for HIM, not you.

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  10. Perfect! It's like a scene from a movie. And not the one titled 'He's Just Not Into You', although I don't have a witty movie title to suggest.

    Someone was really mean to me at the grocer the other day - not someone I dated, just a stranger. Why are people mean?

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  11. I'm sorry my Monday rubbed off on you! But I think the sparkly ring hand ALWAYS gets the last word...

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  12. I think that was the BEST comment you could have made. Nice work.

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  13. I hate it when men deal with failed romantic tries by ignoring your existence. If your tongue was once in my mouth, thou shall say hello to the rest of my face forevermore thereafter.

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  14. freckledk's comment is pure awesomeness.

    I would have wanted to say something like "oh I guess I remember you so clearly because you were the worst kisser I've ever experienced" but most likely I would have just blushed and ran away.

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  15. What a total jerk. Is there really any reason to treat somebody like that? You handled yourself really well-- I probably would have said the snide thing you were thinking but had the good grace not to engage in.

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  16. Wow, maybe one day he'll take that stick out of his butt. You were as graceful as could be under the circumstances. I wish you didn't hold back on your inner response about when you met each other!

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  17. Oh, such painful memories this brings up - I have long envied the snappy come-back gene. Instead I seem to have the guppy-mouth gene. Sometimes accompanied by teary-eyed frustration.

    I'm not sure I would have even have had the presence of mind to wave the sparkly ring!

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  18. Yeah, that's why I usually stare at the floor or my phone pretending I don't see people. I loved your pretend response though. I wish I had the guts to actually say stuff like that!

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  19. I'd like to weigh in with notsojenny.

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  20. I'm with Susan and notsojenny - make him suffer!!

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  21. Susan - I wanted to, but truthfully, it's hard for me to imagine actually saying it. Ring waving, much easier.

    Anonymous - Isn't it crummy behavior? And in high school, at least we had the excuse of being all young and stupid.

    notsojenny - :) Thanks! And oh, goodness, I don't know if I could. I LOVE the idea, but if I knew that was my agenda, I'd get so nervous as soon as I saw him.

    Fearless - I would be delighted. It will make you sound, like, 10 or something, but I quite enjoy expressions like this. :)

    Dagny - I wish I'd done that. And given him a bitchface. Anything but get all flustered.

    HKW - I don't know. Especially strangers - I just don't get it. I am almost never mean to people, and when I am, it's personal and because of a fight, and I always regret mean behavior.

    LiLu - Ahh, I love this! Sparkly ring hand always has the last word!

    Anonymous - Thank you very much!

    Early Bird - Hahahaha! Yes. Those are words to live by.

    Hillary - She has a lot of awesomeness. And I could never, ever pull off saying something like that, although I wish I had the balls.

    mysterygirl! - Huge jerk. I see no reason for that behavior. It's just mean.

    cp22 - The stick in his butt! That must be why he walks like that! I assumed it was just the fancy European shoes :).

    Cheryl - I am oh so rarely able to make a snappy comeback. But I think it's good, actually - because you don't walk around expecting bad behavior. And then when it happens, it's just so shocking.

    Jules - I wish I did too. And I just was tired of looking at the floor, the wall, the wherever whenever we bump into each other. Would be so much easier to be able to say hi.

    Susan - In theory, her idea is perfect. I am too chicken.

    Kate - Although now that I am thinking about this, if I had a friend with me, I could maybe have the courage to say it. Which would shame him, as there would be a witness!

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  22. gawd...this is why i hate running into ex-whatevers. i'm horrible at the quick thinking comeback. maybe 5 minutes after the fact i'll think of a real zinger but then what am i gonna do - hunt them down just to deliver it? umm...no. ughh.

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  23. Funny, I thought from the title of the post that he responded to your query by saying something like, "okay... you have a triangle inscribed inside a circle comprised of point A, B and C, with Point A and B going through the center. Is this an isosceles or scalene triangle?"

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  24. Jesus, what a tool. If it were me, the next time I saw him I'd smirk and conspicuously roll my eyes. It's a total diss, but without any real possible comeback.

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  25. Now THAT is awesome. That guy sounds like a total douche.

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  26. What an asshole. If you guys are even in there alone again you should fart right before you leave the elevator and trap him in there with it. Let him smirk over that.

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