Monday, March 30, 2009

Let me sleep on it. Baby, baby let me sleep on it.

I believe there are people in the world who take a live and let live attitude towards their spouses.

Like, if fruit and vegetables and exercise are incredibly important to one partner, I think there are people out there who don’t make a big effort to foist the food preferences and the cardio on the other person. It’s probably a more harmonious way to live.

I have to imagine.

In other words, I am certain there are easier wives in this world.

So.

Genuinely, Nick works many more hours each day than I do. And my job is more low key. And there's a gym in my building. So I can schedule a convenient mid-day workout and odds are I'll have time and it will not get canceled due to some last-minute crisis.

But on the weekends, our schedules are pretty similar. And on most weekends, we run together both days. For me, it’s in addition to the three or four times I worked out over the week – and my prego workouts remain as frequent, but much less intense.

For Nick, weekends are often the only exercise time he gets.

Saturday we get up, both really wanting to get out for a run, despite the ugly skies.

Sunday morning, we awake to misty grey weather.

I’m going running regardless. I turn to him. “Do you want to run?”

“Not really.”

“But would you run with me?”

He says yes, but reluctantly. I can tell he doesn’t want to. And I’m thinking, seriously? If almost five month pregnant woman can run? You, dude, you can run.

So an hour or so later, post coffee and breakfast, as I’m about to put on my running clothes I say, “You know, if you really don’t want to run with me, it’s OK.”

I do not mean this. Not one bit.

“Really?”

And I think: He's not actually not going to run, when he constantly says he loves to exercise but has no time, is he? Is he? I'll be damned if he is.

“Sure. Just stay home and masturbate with Easy Cheese if you’d rather.”

There’s a flicker of delight. I can see on his face that he is weighing his desire to not run right now against how difficult I might make his life if he doesn’t.

“So you wouldn’t be really angry?”

“I wouldn’t be angry, Nick. I’d think less of you, but I wouldn’t be angry.”

And there he is again, wheels turning. I can see them. Angry Lisa = pain in the ass. Disappointed Lisa = probably tolerable.

So I decide to be very clear. “I wouldn’t be angry. But with each step I’d be thinking, ‘That fucker. He sits on his ass at work all day every day, too busy to exercise. And then when he actually has time, he doesn’t want to go with me.’ That’s what I’d be saying to myself.”

“Huh.”

“So what’s it going to be, boy? Me or the Easy Cheese?”

19 comments:

  1. “I wouldn’t be angry, Nick. I’d think less of you, but I wouldn’t be angry.”

    I am going to make sure to remember this phrase, and use it every so often. How much more guilt can you squeeze into a few words? Did he go? My money is on yes.

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  2. I'll think of your 5 month pregnant self running the next time I'm debating going on my walk.

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  3. Susan - I know it's unfair, and I hate guilt trips. But yes, he did go.

    Mary - I am still technically running, but I am sloooow. But not exercising much those first few months when I felt so terrible, I realize that for me everything is better - my mood, my sleep, how my body feels - when I'm exercising.

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  4. He so went, didn't he.

    I think you are likely much easier to live with than I am. I am the kitchen nazi, and yet I can't stand doing dishes.

    Cleaning up is the toll for eating in my house. You want to eat, you do the dishes. You have a problem with that arrangement, find another place to eat.

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  5. I think less of him for masturbating with ez cheese. because that's just weird.

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  6. But at least you make the guilt trips funny! I'm lazy and hate guilt trips so I fall into the easy wife category. Being raised Catholic and having guilt as part of your every meal, I made neither part of my life now. Hubby would be the one to run without me.

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  7. You know, I read up to the point where you said that he didn't really have to go, and I was flummoxed. That's not the Lisa I know!

    I was most relieved to see that you two had resumed your roles as Models of Open Communication in a Marriage by the end.

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  8. Can't the Easy Cheese be the reward?

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  9. This is gonna sound wicked self-pitying, but at least Nick has the option to go running with you. big self-serving *sigh*

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  10. You rock, Lisa. This post made me laugh - especially the part about Nick pondering his fate for the rest of the day! You'd make a really good boot camp instructor and I mean that 100% as a compliment.

    Reminds me of the time in college I signed up to run a 5K. Luke is incredibly fit but not a runner. I asked him to run with me and he declined. The morning of the race it was freezing outside and he said "Why don't you skip the race? You'll just catch a cold and keep me up at night snoring with stuffy nose". He's usually more supportive and obviously I've never let him live this down!

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  11. WOW this just made me laugh so hard because this exact same exchange goes on between me and my boyfriend constantly. and when i catch myself being controlling like this i always give him the out with the guilt trip attached, like your "well, you don't have to come but i'll think less of you" (which is ingenious, lisa!) or, i've done the "oh sure you can order the triple cheeseburger with bacon i'll just call the ambulance now for your heart attack," or "go for it, smoke a cigarette outside. i'll just remember this moment every time you mention how proud of yourself you are for quitting." i'm awful. but it makes me feel better knowing that you are, too. and i bet nick felt damn good after taking that run!! my boyfriend always thanks me later. sometimes much much later, but he always comes around.

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  12. I see nothing wrong with this...I often use manipulation as a tactic.

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  13. Jo - I don't know. We all have our things. I am really easy on some stuff and so stubborn and difficult on other things. And I could eat at your house! I never want to cook and so I'm always happy to clean up!

    Sarah - If he actually did, I'd never look at his pee pee the same way again.

    Jules - My dad is Catholic and because of that I really resent them when they're put on me, so I need to give some thought to my approach.

    Dagny - I'm glad to not let you down! I'm still the relentless Lisa you know!

    LiLu - Another bad thing about me is that I'd really, really prefer it weren't. It's not like you burn so many calories exercising that you can reward yourself without canceleing most of it out. And I'd be really bothered if he did want to masturbate with it. So not so much on the Easy Cheese as reward.

    J - Well, yah. He always has the option.

    HKW - Then I will totally take it as a compliment! I bet I would have more fun doing that than my current job, actually.

    And I see no reason to let him live that down. I'd have skipped the race in freezing weather for sure, but I'd have encouraged you to go without me. :)

    carly - Nick doesn't smoke, but I say very similar things when he orders stuff like this. I am not proud of myself for it, but I do. I just get so agitated I can't sit back and watch without saying anything. And generally, he has thanked me for changing his diet for the better. But in the moment I do make him really bitter sometimes.

    Lemmonex - I generally try not to and I hate when I do. But sometimes it just overtakes me.

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  14. he so went didn't he?

    Because cheez-whiz... uh so not worth it.

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  15. haha! please tell me he went with you.

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  16. Well, I'm just going to say... as an ex-husband who still remembers the Pregnant Years (tm)... sooner or later, that EZ Cheez is going to start looking mighty attractive

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  17. I'm partial to Velveeta, myself.

    And WHY do you not have your own sitcom? That fucker would go straight to number one!

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  18. Remember, we men are simple creatures. You say we don't have to go running, we won't. Especially if the option is masturbation and Cheeze Whiz. Ummmm, Cheeze Whiz.

    I, like everyone, would be interested to know if he pulled on the running shoes.

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  19. Brett - He went, and so not worth it, I agree.

    Maxie - Yes - he went, no question, he went. The pain of running is nothing compared to the ass-pain of Lisa.

    GaryQ - This made me laugh. It is so sadly accurate.

    FreckledK - I love you! How fun would that be?!?

    FoggyDew - I forget this all too often. I need to just say what I mean and mean what I say.

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