Thursday, June 11, 2009

The molecule before spilling

I'm full. No more. I just can't deal with anything else.

You know how you can fill a container to this perfect point of full but not running over, where you can see the curved meniscus? I don't quite understand the science, except that all these molecules have this strong attraction and hold together, but at a certain point you have to stop, or you have added too many molecules, or something.

And then it spills over.

I'm at the almost almost spilling over point. I feel like all my molecules are on the edge of bursting apart. Like I should be physically holding myself together.

I just cannot handle anything else.

Nothing administrative. Nothing emotional. Nothing nitpicky. Nothing hard. Nothing stupid.

I don't have anything to give. I don't have any extra energy for figuring anything out. I get myself dressed, I get myself to work, I do the bare minimum, and I go home. I manage that, and not a whole lot else.

And there is all these myriad pieces of house shit, almost all of which have fallen on Nick. But there are parts that only I can do.

And everything seems like it has 47 more steps and is more convoluted and complicated than it needs to be.

And I seriously feel like if I have to deal with One More Thing That Is Harder Than It Should Be I am going to Lose. My. Shit.

19 comments:

  1. I'm sorry! It's OK to lose your shit, though. I hope I'm not the first person to "tell" you this. Hang in there and take some time to just do nothing, if you can. Hugs to you Lisa!

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  2. *HUG* Good luck with everything. Sometimes, when I am very stressed, just concentrating on my breathing helps me. I don't know if it would work for you or not, but either way, my thoughts, and I'm sure the thoughts of lots of other people, are with you. Even though I've never met you, I still care.

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  3. It sounds like you definitely need a break. I'd normally suggest taking some time off of work, but since the new home is also stressful, that may not work... Sorry you're going through all this. Making lists often helps me when I feel overwhelmed. I'm not so good at following the lists, but often just the act of writing and prioritized helps settle my brain...

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  4. Ugh, what a crappy feeling. All you can do is chunk everything up into smaller, manageable tasks and just tackle them one at a time. And if that doesn't work, sit on the couch, watch some crappy TV, eat some ice cream, and don't worry about it for a few hours.

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  5. I wish I had read this an hour ago.

    You are both pregnant and in mourning. You should be congratulating yourself on being able to get out of bed in the morning. That in itself makes you a Superwoman. Really. You're amazing.

    Hang in there, Mama, and know that we're all pulling for you. xo

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  6. You've already been beyond amazing throughout all of this. If possible just take a day or two to NOT deal with anything and let your head catch up. Best of luck and lots of hugs!

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  7. Ugh - I'm sorry. Is there anything I can help with?

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  8. your meniscus overfloweth

    okay, that sounds kinda dirty actually, oh well.
    at some point each little thing will eventually pass and little by little days will get easier and then one day you'll wake up and just think "wow, things are great!"
    i hope it's sooner than later

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  9. I like Wendy's advice! Nick has big huge giant shoulders, he can handle all of it. life is a giant scale and it's time to lighten your side and focus on nothing, absolutely nothing. Wish I lived closer and could help. Now practice your standard reply to everything. "Whatever, I don't care, pass the ice cream".

    love you, soph

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  10. I hear ya, sister. Loud and clear.

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  11. Completely understand - you have so much going on. Pursuing a career in photography has been really overwhelming and frustrating lately and I'm not giving up but so easily could and choose to just keep going, no matter how small the step forward. It's nothing like what you're going through right now.

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  12. Katie - Ah, thanks. I can't lose it right now, though, I really can't. There's just so much to DO.

    Christine - You know, I do forget to really breathe sometimes, I think. That is a good reminder. Hugs to you, and I appreciate it.

    Luna - I really need a break, but there's no time I can take off anytime soon that will actually be relaxing. Once we move, and things are on our own timeline, and we don't have to keep catching the mistakes that the realtor has made (um, wrong zip code on sale document??) or the lender (wrong mortgage rate??) or following up with HUD to let us have water changed to our name (???) it will feel a whole lot better.

    And I suck at following lists, but maybe outlining things would make me feel better.

    Wendy - Yes, it's true - super crappy. I think the breaking into small tasks is totally constructive, and the ice cream couch scenario is perfect as a back-up.

    FreckledK - Thank you, lovey. It was fun running into you, and nice to get a hug.

    Jo - I need that, I really do. It's just going to be a little while before I can do that. Hugs back to you!

    Dagny - You already have, my friend.

    notsojenny - I believe this to be true, and that's a nice reminder. I just want that to be sooner than later.

    Sophie - Nick has been spectacular, and he's balancing a million things (including a large pregnant woman) on those giant shoulders. I feel lucky about him all the time. And now I'm going to go practice my new ice cream mantra. :)

    Fearless - Thanks.

    HKW - Yah, way too much going on. It is good to remember one small step after another forward.

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  13. Oh. I know that feeling. It sucks ass.

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  14. You sound like you need a serious massage and some veg time! You deserve it. Take it!!!!

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  15. Yah the icecream thing......it works wonders I do it when it all gets too much.
    Lists I am a list person I write down all the tasks and then tackle them one by one, theres nothing like putting the big tick when each has been conpleted its a great feeling.
    Lisa you are going through all kinds of stuff at the moment and the emotional pendulum will be in full swing, but know this , you are doing so freakin well at keeping it all together I wish I could harness half that strength you have. Just remember nothing about all the house stuff is so big that its a dam buster, its just trivial shit that because the rest of the world is so damn incompetent you have to deal with it. It sucks and they are all morons and you are Zena warrior princess. :)

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  16. Dude. Get a pregnancy massage and eat some chocolate. You're allowed to lose your shit every once in a while! Hope things settle down soon.

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  17. Love and hugs to you. :)

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  18. I am so with Hillary on this one. Especially the bit about the chocolate.

    Oh, and the massage. Definitely get a massage. I'm weird about them, in that I so love massages, but I always end up crying during them. It's embarassing the first time, but I think the masseuse understands. At least I hope he does.

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  19. love meniscus imagery - thanks! hon, even though you *can't* get away, you need to, somehow. we are leaving shortly for assateague island state park to camp. plenty of room. you are welcome to visit - you know our last name. just look for the 18 foot teepee . . .

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