I get asked how I'm doing all the time.
There's this whole spectrum of people in your life who you see daily, and who may be lovely and kind, but are not the people you seek out to hug you when you cry. Which you invariably do. And they ask how you're doing.
"How are you?"
You know they care. So what can you say?
I typically say, "Fine, thanks." Or, "Pretty good, considering."
Or something of that nature.
Because really, what are you going to say? I'm devastated? I hate this? It sucks? It hurts? It's the worst thing I've ever dealt with?
That's too much to put on someone who is not a closeclose person. That would only be awkward for both of you.
Although sometimes the question makes me cry, which is an answer in itself, I suppose.
The truth is, I miss my dad terribly. I feel like there's a big hole in my life. I wasn't ready. How can you ever be ready? And I didn't get to say goodbye.
I cry every day, at least once, but usually more. Today I started out crying, and it hasn't stopped.
My dad walked out the door a month ago.
And I wonder, what did he do on his last day? I hate that he was alone. He had our family picture in his wallet. Was he thinking about us?
Was he scared?
I hope he wasn't scared. I hope it didn't hurt.
I hope it was just relief.
Friends who have lost parents say it just takes a long, long time to feel better. In the meantime, it just hurts. And you just have to work through it. And wait.
And so in this meantime, I say fine. Fine and fine and fine.
What else to say?