So if you know me, you know that I take any and all inclement weather completely personally.And so now I am all, what is this blizzard bullshit snow and snow and snow? And, really, on the weekends, goddammit?
Because snow is kind of fun once. Ooh, snow! Fun pictures! Look at the pretty trees, all covered in white!
And then after that, if it doesn't shut down my office, I am over it.
Yes, it's lovely and magical and no two snowflakes are alike and blah blah blah. I know. Whatever.
So on Tuesday, Nick emailed to say they were predicting 6" of snow.
And I thought two things: 1. Excellent! This will surely shut down my office! And, 2. That's more snow than the average length of penis in the US!
The visual I had was of all these men prostrate in the snow, poking their penises in to see if they were longer than the snowstorm.
Anyway, if I had a penis, that's totally what I'd do.
I said this to Jenny. Who didn't know about my list of all the places I'd put my penis if I had one. So I told her about that as well. So she wouldn't think this was completely bizarre-o out of the blue.
Ahem.
So then she was all,"Yeah, but by Nick's age, the novelty would've worn off, so you probably wouldn't be all that interested in putting your penis in random places."
"But I meant like me, now."
"Oh, well, if you could suddenly have a penis, that would be awesome! Don't you think?"
And I was about to agree until I realized it's the kind of awesome that would most likely lead to your husband divorcing you.
I haven't asked him. But don't you think?
I just want one for a few days so I can see what all the damn fuss is about! Men are so overly concerned with the damn thing, I'd like to know why.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I could just go away with my penis for the weekend and not tell hubby. It could be gone when I got home and no one would get hurt.
Or, if you didn't want to give up your penis maybe you could find someone like the woman who married the pregnant "man". (My personal theory on that one is that if you still have a vagina you are a woman. I don't care how you wear your hair and if you have no boobs.) So, Nick would have to turn gay, but he'd do that for you, right?? :)
True love knows no bounds, but, perhaps.
ReplyDeleteI think this post is classic Lisa. Hilarious and like nothing I've ever read before. Until I started reading this blog. Which I'm so grateful for each and every day :)
For the record, I have had the misfortune of meeting several men Nick's age or older for whom THAT particular novelty had yet to dissipate.
ReplyDeleteAs for divorce, I'm not entirely sure. I mean, based on the discussions you've had about Nick's next wife...
cla517 - I would be curious as well. The idea of having one for the weekend cracks me up.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you on the pregnant man - you have a vagina and a uterus, it's not so crazy that you can get pregnant.
Nick might be OK with a temporary penis, but I think he'd have a big issue with me having one for good.
HKW - Thank you, Heather! I love hearing that!
Dagny - Well, yah. You are actually totally right on that.
As for the discussions on the next wife...I'm pretty sure he'd see that as an entirely different type of scenario.
It would be more awesome if it were 12-18 inches. The penis. Not the snow.
ReplyDeleteAnd I just spent five minutes trying to figure out how to pronounce "inclement." There was a whole second or third symbol debate going on over here.
Reminds me of the old joke predicting winter weather:
ReplyDelete"Why can't women be meteorologists?"
Answer: (imagine hands being held 4 inches apart) "Because for years they've been told this is 8 inches."
As for your desire, don't worry, I'm guessing that sometime soon Steve Jobs will invent some type of neural interface video game thingy that will allow you to live out your fantasies. And then you can know what it felt like all those times you kicked a guy in the sack.