Tuesday, August 07, 2012
I got 99 problems but a boob ain't one
I might even cut down on the motherfucking profanity.
Jordan didn't care where his food came from. Boob? Sure. Bottle? Why not? We used Dr. Browns for the most part, but genuinely, he did not care.
This kid, after taking a bottle about every other week starting just after three weeks, which is when the pediatrician told us to start, one day just said fuck it. No. More. Bottles!
She said it LOUDLY. For hours.
Then I read something about excess lipase in one's frozen breast milk, making it taste sour or soapy. So I tasted a sip of my frozen milk. It tasted sour.
However. I'm also highly suggestible. If I read a description of wine that talks about undercurrents of cigar box and magnolia shrubs, I can always taste them. I wasn't the best candidate for hypnosis, but I'm clearly susceptible.
We tried with freshly-squozen breast milk.
Nope. No way.
So then we decided to just try formula in the bottle. Whole nother experience!
Besides Dr. Browns we have Medela, and Avent, and Adiri. We've tried a sippy cup. At the suggestion of Miss Dallas, I ordered this fancy boob-shaped bottle. Naturally, I had to immediately pull it out of the box, place it to the side of my boob and ask Nick what he thought about my profile.
Nick was amused, but then asked sceptically, "Do you really think you're going to trick her with that?"
I can't remember what I said in return, but I'm pretty sure it had the asshole word in it.
Which matters not one bit because India was all, "I spit on your fake boob! Fuck you! Give me the real thing NOW RIGHT NOW I MEAN RIGHT RIGHT NOW OR I WILL SCREAM MY TOOTHLESS HAIRLESS LITTLE HEAD OFF!"
I discussed this with our daycare director, whom I adore. She said their hardest case refused a bottle for three weeks. She sees that as worst-case scenario. She assured me this will not happen.
However, she added, if India goes for four weeks, they will not be able to keep her.
This is fair. Just, you know, frightening.
So far, cajoling hasn't worked. A stranger giving her the bottle hasn't worked. Threats muttered under my breath have gotten me nowhere. Same with pleading and bribery.
She comes by her stubbornness honestly. But still.