Perhaps you know what repointing is?
If not, it's when you remove the old cement from between bricks and put new cement in. It's a labor-intensive, messy process.
I myself had never heard of it until we bought a 110-year old house which, among other everythings, needed to be repointed. So much cement had taken leave of our house that in some places, luck was just holding the walls together.
It never occurred to me that cement between bricks wouldn't be forever. I mean, it's cement, right? It is not something to which one pays much attention, you know? It's just there because it's there.
But it turns out to be just there just holding up your house. It keeps it all together.
And time and weather and what-have-you chip away at it. You can let it go to a certain point, and then you really really have to tend to it.
So.
I myself have gotten thin on mortar lately. My fortitude has been eroding in such little, but continuous flakes, that I hadn't really noticed. I'm not underwater yet, but I'm heading there.
I walk a thin line in life. You know this about me. I'm an up-and-down-er, buffeted by the vicissitudes of life. Nick, he is strong like bull. Me, I'm rather a delicate flower.
I need a lot of sleep. I need to exercise regularly. I need sunshine. And I need to eat well. As long as I can maintain most of those things most of the time, I do well. My friend Mr. Zoloft gives me a little leeway.
But with a delicious little girl who wakes up a lot, I've rarely gotten more than three or four hours of sleep in a row since she was born 18 (19? I can't count) weeks ago. I know 18 or 19 weeks is not that old...but I am old. I'm too old for this.
There have been a few nights where she's woken up only once, at 2:00 or 3:00 am, and slept until 6:00. This was fantastic.
HOWEVER. Lately, she's been up five or six times a night.
I've been nursing her to stop the crying, although lately Nick has been going in and soothing her so we can break her of all the night nursing. She doesn't need it. She's just used to it.
But he can't manage all night. He works way too much to be a zombie.
I need repointing, stat. Because I woke up a couple mornings ago thinking how much I hate my life. I've had this thought a number of times since then.
And I love my family, and I love my life. Just not right now. I know this isn't coming from a place of rationality.
I'm constantly on the verge of tears. I'm angry and impatient and I just hate everyone. Myself most of all.
I've upped my Zoloft, with my doctor's blessing. I'm still on a very low dose, so there's room to go up - but I don't want to just keep pumping more drugs into myself and my milk just to keep myself from falling apart.
I returned to the office on Monday. Today one of my colleagues dropped a piece of ice in the kitchen, and it landed near my foot. He told me not to move while he got it, lest I slip.
And I thought, oh, but if I slipped, maybe I'd wind up with a concussion, or something else bad but not life-threatening, and then they'd put me in the hospital for at least a day or two, wouldn't they? I could sleep and sleep!
There would be no infant waking repeatedly in the next room! No potty and meal negotiations! Nobody would scream at me for buttering his toast on the wrong side! Nobody would neeeeeeed me for anything!
You know, a friend of mine and I were extolling the virtues of epidurals after I gave birth. And she said she thought it would be lovely if you could just go in and get one when you were havnig a terrible day. Just check out.
It really would. You'd have that slightly out it warm feeling, and you'd be all, "Sorry, I can't help you with that. I can't feel my legs. So could you pass the remote and get me something to drink?"
as a recent, very recent resident of the 'the district', i can empathize with you. while my children are a lot older than yours, they still need their mummy. as for the old house we live in, a man who came to clear out previous tenants' junk yesterday rubbed at the mortar between the bricks in the basement. it was sand! it just dribbled away! "that's called 'weeping'," he told me. the house is crying itself away.... sounds like my house needs repointing too and perhaps i could do with it myself.
ReplyDeleteWeeping! That's exactly what was going on with our house and what is going on with me. Best of luck to you with your kids and your house. It's a lot. And welcome to DC - I hope you like it!
Deletehey thanks - i'm getting there :) keep writing - you're good!
DeleteI'm sure it was Jordan screaming about the toast-buttering error, but the vision of it being Nick is too wonderful to dismiss.
ReplyDeleteHahaha! The vision of it being Nick is a good one!
DeleteBeing a mom is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you, too. It really is. Puts everything else in perspective.
DeleteYou need a nanny. A part time nanny/manny. I would say you need grandparents and siblings but I know. So, why not some how try and find a person that would come over twice a week or three times and just sit for three or four hours and you hide in your room and sleep, or read, or watch tv. A college person, a teen who needs some money. Someone who is young and vibrant and will play and read and then everyone is getting what they need. Shored up and mortared. You may have to tweak this idea. But it just might work. And for the record, every mom feels this way. A lot. And there are no medals for going it alone and trudging through. Thinking of you Lisa.
ReplyDeleteOh, Lynn, this sounds good. We have been talking about a night nurse, or maybe a sleep trainer. It sounds silly, like we have money to throw away, but we are knid of desperate.
DeleteThank you for telling me that every mom feels this way. That makes me feel better. Hugs to you on the prairie, Lynn.
I love you. I thought I was the only one that dreamt of getting slightly injured so that someone would have to take care of me for a while!
ReplyDeleteHang in there. Is there any way that Nick and Betty can take the kiddos out for a few hours on Sundays (or whenever) and you could just nap? (Since Miss India now takes a bottle, it might be a bit easier)
oh Lisa, i'm so sorry. it's so generic and you know it already but it will get better before you know it! those newborn days are the only thing i dread about having another child. i mean if we could just have them and have someone hand them back to us 6months later when they've chilled the f out and learned day from night it would be so much easier. enjoyable even. just try to keep the wheels on for now girl, sending my thoughts and wishes for patience to you!
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you. My 24 week old woke up last night at 1130 and I almost cried because his first wakeup in the night has been getting earlier and earlier while it should be getting later and later and I keep feeling like a failure mom because why won't he sleep and I can't get home from work and feed the little one and make a slapdash dinner for my three year old AND take him around the block so he cries and I want to cry too. This would be more coherent if I had had more sleep in the last five months.
ReplyDeleteYou know yourself well, Lisa, and that's so important and what I think enables you to enjoy life, be healthy, have a career and be a spectacular Mom, wife and friend and a witty, insightful and bright person each and every day. you're much stronger than you think, not a bull because you're petite and beautiful like a flower but you can hold your own. I hope you're able to sleep well in the near future and I'm sending you hugs and support
ReplyDeleteOh, God, the sleeplessness. You know that sleep deprivation is a form of torture, right? My mom said that to me once, and it made me feel a little better. No wonder I was cracking. My advice from the been there school is never, never talk to anyone whose baby is your baby's age about sleep. The risk that their baby sleeps is too great. You shouldn't have to smile and hear that shit.
ReplyDeleteA long term solution (like a sleep nurse or whatever) would be great, but maybe even just a night away would help. When Josie was a baby and I was totally fried, one Friday night I went and stayed in a hotel about two miles from my house. I bought magazines and lounged and watched shitty TV and slept. The next day I returned home feeling refreshed and so much happier. I wasn't nursing, so it was easy, but maybe if you could pump enough to cover a night away?
ReplyDeleteSleep deprivation is the worst form of torture. Working ALL the time, like I have been lately, also sucks. Last week I had an upper endoscopy to check out a possible ulcer, and before they put me under, I looked at my booties, and thought, heck, this might as well be considered a "spa day" since I've been working my arse off to the exclusion of all else for months and months and months.
ReplyDeleteI can give you the name of my doctor if you like . . . :)
Oh, Lisa, I'm so sorry. I feel for you, really, I do. We're just now getting full nights of no wake ups consistently, and Maya is 14 months old. India is in her own room, right? That seemed to do the trick for us (that or the jet lag). It could be a growth spurt, or the infamous 4 month sleep regression http://kellymom.com/parenting/nighttime/4mo-sleep/. Whatever's going on, I hope it ends soon, for your sake. Hugs.
ReplyDeletecrumbling foundation. great metaphor for what happens to moms when they over-give, over-do, and are simply over-tired and over-worked. i've had days where i have felt exactly like this. (but not a bunch of consecutive days, just one here or there) i know it is hard. hang in there.
ReplyDeletehell, my 3 year old still wakes up multiple times a night. but my 9 month old? sleeping through the night until 4am most nights. we used all the same tactics and made all the same sleep mistakes-- yet one is a good sleeper and one just isn't. sometimes, i think it is just the luck of the draw.
All a sleep trainer would do is make sure India is well fed before she is put to bed, not feed her during the night and gently but firmly let her cry it out. You too can do this. Jordan needs to know that there are consequences for yelling at his mother FOR ANY REASON, never mind buttering the toast on the wrong side.
ReplyDeleteYou too can do this. Being a mom is hard enough without imposing unreasonable expectations on yourself - not to mention it isn't all that good for the kids.
oh lordy, do i feel you. at the risk of sounding too republican this week, there is no harder job than being the mom. It's a fact. it's exhausting, everyone needs you, your body is not your own and in the middle of the night who doesn't want their mom. with three kids waking up at our house, I sometimes wish MY mom would come and tuck me in for 8hours of dreamy heaven-sent sleep. I sometimes look at my husband and wonder - does he know how everything GOT here??? I work; he works. there's no difference. I might even work more than him if we count the after bedtime laptop time... regardless... does he know HOW everything got here? The new school shoes that meet uniform requirements. The only snacks the kids will eat in the lunchbox. The new jazz shoes that are the "right" shade of tan for the studio. The snorkel equipment that will arrive at least 4 weeks ahead of our Hawaii trip so the swim teacher will practice with the kids. The new dress for the first day of pre-school. formula, diapers, wipes, laundry detergent.. I won't lie- most of it is Amazon mom or lands end or my own mom, but still. I had to THINK of it all :) I'm sure I'm not helping you. but I want you to know that being a mom is super hard. and you're doing great. your focusing on self esteem and happiness and development and your kids are going to be awesome. but take the time to focus on you. a manicure or a massage or 30-60 minutes each saturday. it's worth it. I found a nail place (in Chicago) that shows movies. I do a mani/pedi with a whole crappy movie once a month and it does wonders. AND at this stage - I agree and insist that you need a night of hotel sleep. mandatory. You are doing great - you've got this. I believe in you :) -Carrie
ReplyDeleteI hope you find a way to get some longer periods of much needed sleep. Very important - it will make all the difference. That said, remember, "this too shall pass." Life will be wonderful again. I've been "weeping" or kind of weepy myself lately and can't blame nursing babies or even a true lack of sleep. I think it's menopause stuff, ugh. We get all the shit, don't we? Love to you and your family!
ReplyDeleteDo you know why I love love love this blog? Because every time I feel a certain way, I go on this blog, and I see that you ALREADY feel that way. And you write about it 1000 times better than I ever could! Anyway, I feel your pain (two kids, one a month younger than J, 8 month old baby), not at all sleeping, working full time, YUP. I'm with you and thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteOh Lisa I feel for you I really do. I hate sleep dep with a passion, even now I am an unusual kind of bitch if I dont get enough sleep. Keep treading water hun and seriously think about a nanny/manny/teen for a few hours a couple of times a week that will at least give you a break to hide away and sleep for a few hours. Especially now India is taking a bottle. Stop worrying about it because all new mums need some quiet time especially with 2 littlies. Do yourself and Nick and the kids a favour and start thinking of yourself first, you need something right now so you have to make it happen and the sooner the better.
ReplyDeleteI realize that it does nothing for your mood, but I've been there too and I absolutely get how you're feeling. Hang in there! There is light at the end of the tunnel. And by God that epidural on demand idea is just BRILLIANT, I'm sure there's a huge market for it, and really, what are the risks??!!
ReplyDeleteOh Lisa,
ReplyDeleteI am so so sorry you are feeling this way. I understand it though. I have been there recently. I actually think epidurals should be given as spa treatments.
XOXO