Thursday, October 17, 2013

Well, duh

You know, you'd think that after all this experience, I'd be primed to recognize when I am tip-toeing ever deeper into the Vast Ocean of Depression (VOD).

Why do I have to wait until I'm way down in it? Every time?

I mean, for Pete's sake, I wrote a post last week about how I'm doing so much better at the even-keeling! I haven't sunk since way back in the dark ages of my pregnantness! I am good! I am doing the breaststroke, head out of water! I am fine!

I even linked to this post to contrast it with my now. Because now is not like then! Right?

Yeah. So why do I feel so not fine?

Today I decided to make a list:

List of Things That Are Currently Wrong With Me (Not Comprehensive)
  • I'm struggling to concentrate.
  • I have no desire to write - one of the things I enjoy most.
    • This might be because I feel kind of...blank. What do I have to say that's interesting?
    • Also, writing means concentrating. Oh, look! A squirrel!
  • I don't want to exercise at all. Exercise means getting up.
  • Boy, am I irritable. Why does everyone suck?
  • My fuse is terribly short - shorter than my attention span. 
    • So shut up.
      • No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Man. Why do I suck?
  • Yah, so generally, I suck.
  • Mostly what I'd like to do is just sit around and drink wine.
    • Oh, and also shove cookies into my face hole. 
      • And then go to sleep.
        • It would be even nicer if I didn't have to get up and take care of children and you know, do stuff.

So. Once I laid them out, I was all, oh, look! Here we are, underwater!

The bad/good thing is, I've been here before. So maybe I don't actually suck or hate everyone, starting with myself. Also, importantly, I'm not all curled up in a hole, uninterested in getting dressed or breathing or whatever. I'm just, you know, not so much on top of the VOD.

But I am wearing clothes! And inhaling wine and cookies breathing! And doing stuff!

I used to cry and cry. I would start crying and not stop for days. I don't want the crying back, but it certainly is obvious.


  1. Ugh, I completely understand. So, one thing I did this year (which will sound insane) was figure out when daylight got shorter than 12 hours (Sept. 28) and started monitoring myself more closely. When my sugar intake exploded, I knew I needed a little extra help. It's ridiculous, but just knowing that I was keeping an eye on things kind of helped. Hugs to you!

    1. Oh, Jess, you are so SMART! I know that the diminished light is really hard on me, but it's been sunny and being medicated, I haven't gotten the Fall Dreads, so l hadn't made a connection! Yes! I cannot seem to eat enough sugar lately, and that's got it's own awful exhaustion cycle. Big hugs to you!

  2. I started noticing the fading light way back in August and immediately started monitoring myself for all of these things -- including the sugar intake because goddam that just feeds a vicious cycle, doesn't it? I actually just wrapped up a 30-day sugar (and dairy) fast yesterday. Today, round the 2 o'clock hour, I had to remind myself that just because I finished the fast doesn't mean I need to jump face first into a chocolate cookie. I can get through the afternoon tired without it. In other words, I totally hear you and I'm sending some of my strength to you.

    1. I need to do that same thing - just as you and Jessica. The fading light is my slow descent into hell, and I need to be mindful of the shifts and see if I need some extra help. Man, good for you. I knew you were on the dairy fast, but not the sugar. Wow. Hugs, Dana.

  3. Oh Lisa, hugs to you! Reading this I couldn't help wondering if maybe part of it is because of leaving your outside job. I think that would be such a huge adjustment.
    Anyway, yay for not-too-late detection!

    1. Oh, Laura. I am sure that probably figures into it. It's been totally positive, but a huge, weird shift. Big hugs right back to you, and thank you.

  4. my dear! my Darling! Solidaire with wine and cookies. Emailing you now xx

    1. Love love. I love this: Solidaire with wine and cookies. Hugs.

  5. Oh yes, I can relate to this. Seems like just when I finish congratulating myself for "taking care of myself" I take a turn for the worse and test the limits of my own boundaries. It's a vicious cycle and a downward spiral at that.... I think sharing with others helps bring accountability into the equation - misery loves company but we are also really good at cheering each other on. I want to learn how to cheer myself on but until then.....

    1. It is so odd. Even when you think you are paying attention, sometimes these changes are so gradual that it takes a while to realize. For me sharing with others makes me know I'm not alone in this, and I like hearing that others have similar experiences and appreciate knowing they're not alone either.

  6. I strongly believe that cookies solve EVERYTHING.

    1. They solve many many MANY problems, it's true! Hugs, Carm! Can't wait to see you!


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