I've talked about it like falling into a hole, but lately, I realized that it's not like that for me. I think it would be easier if it were. Like, one day you'd be walking along singing what you think is an upbeat tune that actually turns out to be about a dark teenage mind contemplating a Columbine-like killing spree.
And then suddenly, you'd find yourself in the bottom of a hole.
The contrast would be so stark, you'd realize immediately, I think.For me, however, it's more like stepping off the sandy shore and slowly walking further and further into the ocean. The change is incremental. Once the initial shock of getting your feet wet wears off, the downward slope is gradual enough that you don't really realize what's going on.
With each step, your footing gets less secure, as the ground shifts beneath your feet. You reflexively readjust.
As you get further in, the vicissitudes of currents beyond your control pull at you. And you resist, without consciously doing so. As they get stronger and stronger, it takes more work.You get a little colder, a little less secure, with each passing day and each step forward and downward. And somehow, somehow still you do not recognize that you have been here before.
You just know that you hate your life and everyone in it. How come people suck so badly?
How come you suck so badly?
At some point, though, you're in deep enough that you're not only over your head, but you've lost your footing entirely. It's so dark, and so cold, and so very scary.This is the point at which, finally, finally, you realize that unless you get some help, you are fucked.
You push for the surface, and you reach for the strongest hands around. You gasp and you sob, and you choke out, "I'm in a very bad place."And while they cannot fix you, they can pull you into their laps, and put their arms around you, and say, "We know, and we're here for you."
With the support of those hands, that warm towel of reassurance wrapped around you, you have the impetus and strength to seek out the help you need.
Having hit that point last week, I'm back on the shore. I fully expect to resume singing about pumped up kicks any day now.
"I wasn't nervous. I was a little concerned. But that's not the same thing."
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear you're finding your way back. And please remember that at least some of your friends are people who have been down that hole before, and can help you remember the way out.
{hugs}
You're the first person I've seen mention the shooting spree. I saw people saying it was about an abused kid? I never got that, I always thought teenage school shootout. And it freaks me out because it's so damn catchy and so disturbing at the same time.
ReplyDeleteAnyway. On to the important part. It is scary how that slow descent works. I'm glad you have people to help you out.
Having had postpartum depression with my first child (18 mos now), my OB's are very cautious with me this time, the statistics are against us in subsequent (post-PPD) pregnancies in that it can come on sooner, and MUCH stronger. For that reason i'm being put on Zoloft at 36 weeks. Glad you've realized it's time for help and will be back in a brighter place soon.
ReplyDeleteThis is the subject on nicoleisbetter.com today too, except hers is an immediate hole she falls into.
ReplyDeleteI'm more like you. It's gradual and therefore more threatening (in my opinion). By you time you realize, you're REALLY deep. Glad you've got people to get you out of there.
Lots of hugs!!
It's OK if you don't start singing about the pumped up kicks. Take your time.
ReplyDeleteI began my decent last December as you know. Never have I ever been So.Helplessly.Sad. But I finally realized at the end of September that I was drowning in heartache. Actually was drowned in it. I got help just in time. I didn't have a stinking clue how awful depressed people feel. I felt better within days of counseling and a daily surge of serotonin. I'm praying you'll feel better and better each day too Lisa. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you noticed you were underwater before you were down there too long. And I'm glad you have people around you to help bring you back to the shore.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
ReplyDeleteLG - I second VVK and the second part of Jessica's comments
ReplyDeleteeven your imaginary friends are here for you, dear! i am still medicated for my alleged ppd (as you know, the boy is two and a quarter), we are to begin weening in january. i'll keep you posted. please know that, if it's easier to talk to a "stranger", i'm here if you want to!!! and also hugs.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that you have strong hands surrounding you to pull you out of the water. And glad you noticed that the water was getting too deep.
ReplyDeleteYour words and pictures so perfectly convey my descent into depression. I never really thought about it like walking into water before; more like getting sucked into a black hole very slowly.
I hope you don't mind if I use your analogy (pictures + words under your copyright of course)
I hate that song with a passion. I totally understand that feeling or need to just let them have it after all the crap they put you through, but the song is too. Damn. Catchy. And I hate that about it.
ReplyDeleteI didn't suffer PPD but I did suffer from some pretty serious depression while pregnant & it was horrible. So, so horrible. I struggled as a teenager with severe depression, drowned a lot of everything in alcohol once I hit drinking age & then got pregnant & now as a mother with no health insurance, I struggle to keep a balance between a healthy case of the blues & a serious problem. It is tough & my heart goes out to you. I am so happy you have others who can and want to pull you out & set you back on your feet.
((hugs))
ReplyDelete~Laura (A.S.)
I'm so sorry you're feeling that downward pull, but glad you have people around you to help get you back to shore. It's important to be in a good place during pregnancy - hormones being what they are. My second pregnancy wasn't nearly the great experience my first one was because I had so many things I was dealing with, and I regret that. And me feeling bad made me feel so guilty that I wasn't giving her the same prenatal love and good vibes that I gave to my son, so I got even more depressed. I hope things get better.
ReplyDeleteFinding your way back is always the hardest part. Glad you are doing it. Let me know if you need anything. I am but moments away.
ReplyDeleteand so lets all be so very grateful for those strong hands that help pull you up and those arms that wrap around you and say "it's ok we are here for you" It sux you waded into the mire again last week sweets but you are back on the shore and so now go build some castles and dream some good dreams. Be well my friend and know we all are here for you in one form or another.
ReplyDeleteoh, sweetie. At least in your pit of despair you can still spell "vicissitudes."
ReplyDeleteHuge Hugs, LG! Sending warm, loving energy your way, lady. :-)
ReplyDeleteHugs Lemon Gloria. Big big ones to you.
ReplyDeleteUgh - I hate that feeling. Sending lots of positive energy your way. xoxo
ReplyDeleteJessica - I knew you would know exactly. I think of you every time I think of the movie.
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you, my dear friend. Hugs to you.
Lisa - I read it on a friend's FB post. I hadn't thought about it, honestly. I just sang along all oblivious.
And yes, it's scary. So sneaky.
Tempest - Thank you for telling me. I did NOT know that! I knew I was at risk for PPD again but nobody mentioned depression in pregnancy before this happened to me.
cla517 - I love Nicole. I need to go give her some hugs.
And yes...by the time you hit the realization point, you are in really deep. It sucks. Hugs to you.
Dana - Thanks. It's true, I don't really need to sing about them, do I?
Lynn - I do remember what a dark place you were in. I'm so glad you found help and it turned around fast for you. The same is happening for me. Big hugs to you.
Ginger - Thank you. Me, too. Me getting there was a sucky path for everyone, but at least I'm not still there, and I do feel lucky about my support.
vvk - Hugs, dear friend.
HK - Thank you. Hugs to you.
Coleen - Thank you. I'd still been on my PPD meds as well, and stopped because of pregnancy. It just seemed safer to stay on...but out of cautiousness I did not want to be medicated during pregnancy. However...
K-Tee - Of course, please use them! I'm flattered! And I think the slow sucking into a black hole analogy works as well. It's that suck into nothingness that's so dreadful.
Jenn - I actually like it despite feeling I ought not.
My heart goes back out to you. Our lack of universal health care burns me up. You should have health care and you should be able to get help walking that fine line. It's a hard one. You sound like an extremely strong person.
Laura - Hugs to you!
Luna - I'm so sorry that your second pregnancy was so emotionally hard. Don't feel guilty - you have a lovely little girl. The midwife did say that she would much rather I take something and get myself to a good place than struggle - that I'm not doing the baby any favors being in such a dark place myself. I was so relieved to hear it.
Lemmonex - I appreciate it, I do. Hugs to you.
Go-Betty - I love that. I'll build castles and dream good dreams. All the best to you down in NZ.
LJ - Yah. Even in my pit of despair, I like the big words.
Stevie - I appreciate it very much. Thank you.
That gentleman's lady - Thank you. Big hugs back.
Lynn - It is super sucky. Thanks for the energy. Hugs.
I'm just now seeing this and, while I'm thinking of you and wishing you well, I'm also thinking, "Yes. That's exactly it. Lisa nailed it."
ReplyDeleteOh, and I miss your face. And your cute hair. Hang tough, Cookie. xo