Thursday, October 17, 2013

Well, duh

You know, you'd think that after all this experience, I'd be primed to recognize when I am tip-toeing ever deeper into the Vast Ocean of Depression (VOD).

Why do I have to wait until I'm way down in it? Every time?

I mean, for Pete's sake, I wrote a post last week about how I'm doing so much better at the even-keeling! I haven't sunk since way back in the dark ages of my pregnantness! I am good! I am doing the breaststroke, head out of water! I am fine!

I even linked to this post to contrast it with my now. Because now is not like then! Right?

Yeah. So why do I feel so not fine?

Today I decided to make a list:

List of Things That Are Currently Wrong With Me (Not Comprehensive)
  • I'm struggling to concentrate.
  • I have no desire to write - one of the things I enjoy most.
    • This might be because I feel kind of...blank. What do I have to say that's interesting?
    • Also, writing means concentrating. Oh, look! A squirrel!
  • I don't want to exercise at all. Exercise means getting up.
  • Boy, am I irritable. Why does everyone suck?
  • My fuse is terribly short - shorter than my attention span. 
    • So shut up.
      • No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Man. Why do I suck?
  • Yah, so generally, I suck.
  • Mostly what I'd like to do is just sit around and drink wine.
    • Oh, and also shove cookies into my face hole. 
      • And then go to sleep.
        • It would be even nicer if I didn't have to get up and take care of children and you know, do stuff.

So. Once I laid them out, I was all, oh, look! Here we are, underwater!

The bad/good thing is, I've been here before. So maybe I don't actually suck or hate everyone, starting with myself. Also, importantly, I'm not all curled up in a hole, uninterested in getting dressed or breathing or whatever. I'm just, you know, not so much on top of the VOD.

But I am wearing clothes! And inhaling wine and cookies breathing! And doing stuff!

I used to cry and cry. I would start crying and not stop for days. I don't want the crying back, but it certainly is obvious.

12 comments:

  1. Ugh, I completely understand. So, one thing I did this year (which will sound insane) was figure out when daylight got shorter than 12 hours (Sept. 28) and started monitoring myself more closely. When my sugar intake exploded, I knew I needed a little extra help. It's ridiculous, but just knowing that I was keeping an eye on things kind of helped. Hugs to you!

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    1. Oh, Jess, you are so SMART! I know that the diminished light is really hard on me, but it's been sunny and being medicated, I haven't gotten the Fall Dreads, so l hadn't made a connection! Yes! I cannot seem to eat enough sugar lately, and that's got it's own awful exhaustion cycle. Big hugs to you!

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  2. I started noticing the fading light way back in August and immediately started monitoring myself for all of these things -- including the sugar intake because goddam that just feeds a vicious cycle, doesn't it? I actually just wrapped up a 30-day sugar (and dairy) fast yesterday. Today, round the 2 o'clock hour, I had to remind myself that just because I finished the fast doesn't mean I need to jump face first into a chocolate cookie. I can get through the afternoon tired without it. In other words, I totally hear you and I'm sending some of my strength to you.

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    1. I need to do that same thing - just as you and Jessica. The fading light is my slow descent into hell, and I need to be mindful of the shifts and see if I need some extra help. Man, good for you. I knew you were on the dairy fast, but not the sugar. Wow. Hugs, Dana.

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  3. Oh Lisa, hugs to you! Reading this I couldn't help wondering if maybe part of it is because of leaving your outside job. I think that would be such a huge adjustment.
    Anyway, yay for not-too-late detection!

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    1. Oh, Laura. I am sure that probably figures into it. It's been totally positive, but a huge, weird shift. Big hugs right back to you, and thank you.

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  4. my dear! my Darling! Solidaire with wine and cookies. Emailing you now xx

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    1. Love love. I love this: Solidaire with wine and cookies. Hugs.

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  5. Oh yes, I can relate to this. Seems like just when I finish congratulating myself for "taking care of myself" I take a turn for the worse and test the limits of my own boundaries. It's a vicious cycle and a downward spiral at that.... I think sharing with others helps bring accountability into the equation - misery loves company but we are also really good at cheering each other on. I want to learn how to cheer myself on but until then.....

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    1. It is so odd. Even when you think you are paying attention, sometimes these changes are so gradual that it takes a while to realize. For me sharing with others makes me know I'm not alone in this, and I like hearing that others have similar experiences and appreciate knowing they're not alone either.

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  6. I strongly believe that cookies solve EVERYTHING.

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    1. They solve many many MANY problems, it's true! Hugs, Carm! Can't wait to see you!

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