My dear friend and colleague Bob, who I have gotten much, much closer to now that we sit very near each other in our new office, went on a date recently. I feel compelled to mention our closeness because sooo alarmingly much of our conversation is now, um, alarming.
I really and truly adore him. Sound travels in our office as if there were no walls. And so when I heard Bob giggling softly the other day, I asked why. And he said, "When you're utterly insane, how on earth do you put one moment that makes you laugh in context for decent explanation?"
I can so relate.
So Bob. And the date. She's a lawyer. She's a good bit older than him and very successful. She makes boatloads of cash.
He was telling us about this date over happy hour one evening.
And I said, "Bob! Maybe she could make you her sugar boy! Maybe you should knock her up?" We giggled. Because really, when is it the guy who sets out to impregnate someone?
Because we love to speculate on the inane, we then devised ways to start to working on this.
Like, when he calls her to ask her out, he would say, "So, what are you doing this Saturday?" And then, very casually towards the end of the conversation, he could perhaps add, "And, oh, by the way, when do you ovulate?"
He could begin carrying a thermometer with him at all times. You know, he might just pull it out of his pocket nonchalantly when he's thinking and tap it perfunctorily against his knee, as one might do to a pencil.
He could pretend, the first time anyway, that he was just curious about her body temperature. Look how smart and scientific he is! Maybe he'd read an article on the differences between men and women's temperatures or something. And hey, he just happens to have that thermometer he always carries around!
Another time, he could slyly whip it out and gently slide it into her armpit while watching a movie.
At some point maybe he could very sneakily slip it in her butt in a moment of passion, just pretending it was part of the fun. Or he could bring it into foreplay.
If she acted like it was weird he could say, "Oh, you've never done the old 'thermometer in the anus' thing before? Didn't you see that Sex and the City? Women in New York love it!"
The problem, as Bob sees it, is that whether she likes this last trick or not, it turns the whole thing into a "lose-lose" situation.