Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Warthog Theory goes out the window. I'll be browsing in the unicorn aisle.

The thing about a fabulous wedding that you attend by yourself is they are such an excellent reminder that you're alone. Particularly weddings of happy couples - and really, those are the weddings you want to attend. Practically everyone at this wedding was coupled.

And the fact that they're all happy and together and happy together just underlines the fact that you are single. It's not that anyone is trying to make you feel like you're alone. You're just not half of a couple. And everyone else is.

I just got an email from an upstairs neighbor asking me out tonight - anywhere, his treat. A lovely invitation. We barely know each other. He certainly has no idea he's a whole lot younger than I am, which is flattering. But even beyond the age thing, from what I know about him, he's really not my type, although he does seem like a nice guy.

On a side bar, he'd asked for my number at some point when we were talking about condo stuff. And then one day he called out of the blue. I was standing on the front steps of our building, answered a call from a random 202 number, he said "Hi! This is John!"


"From the floor above you."

And I swear to you, I looked straight up into the sky. "Above me? But I'm outside!"

"In our building. John. Your neighbor."

So I saved him immediately in my phone as John Neighbor.

So John Neighbor emailed. With this nice invitation.

I was telling Bob this, and saying I can't go tonight because I have a date. And he said, "Wow! Two dates in a week! That should make you hopeful!"

And the truth is, it'll be three. I had one last night. But somehow, it puts me no closer to hopeful.

Last night's date was yet another Perfectly Nice Human Being. He was nice, he was bright, and we had relatively interesting, intelligent conversation. But whatever the IT is wasn't there. It was all very pleasant and very flat.

And what it brings me back to is, I don't want just some guy. I want someone I think is amazing. But there's been this disconnect between the ones I think are amazing and the ones who think I am.

My parents know these people who we refer to in private as the Warthogs, because they are graceless and grunty and curmudgeonly. They're friends of friends, and often fairly unpleasant to be around. But I was always delighted by the fact that they were together. It gave me hope that there really is someone for everyone in the universe, and if the Warthogs could find each other, well then, there must be hope for everyone. Including me.

Lately, though, I cannot even imagine who this guy might be. I think I might be giving up on Warthog Theory. I'm beginning to think The Guy for me is actually a unicorn. You know - fictional.


  1. Don't disserve warthogs. I saw tons in Africa this spring, and actually thought they were industrious, communal, and cute in an odd way. Especially the babies, with their wee tails sticking up in the air as they fled. They were ugly on the outside but beautiful on the inside. Can you tell I'm supposed to be writing something else?

  2. Your problem is you go to weddings of happy couples. Go to the ones that are made up of unhappy couples (arranged marriages, green card weddings, and "I just got you preggers, so now I'm going to marry you" ceremonies).

    Also bring a platonic hot date with you, and pretend to ignore them all night. People will flock to you. Its all about psychology. Or alcohol, I haven't worked that out yet.

    That should put you in the right direction. Have fun with Mr. Neighbor!

  3. Don't give up...

    Met the love of my life at 38 - first marriage for both of us - and we couldn't be any happier.

    5 years in November and counting...

  4. I have a guy for you. He's handsome, very smart, witty, multi-talented, he may not be your perfect physical type....

    And,no, I'm not trying to get rid of The Honey!

  5. A couple of things:

    1. I choked on water while sitting at my desk and reading the part about you looking up to the sky
    2. The non-fictional man of your dreams is out there and does not resemble hogs or unicorns

  6. I agree with HKW on both counts. A fabulous girl like you will eventually find a man who does not look like a warthog or have the fictional nature of a unicorn. It happens when you least expect it, darling!

    BTW, you looked amazing in your sari!

  7. Don't get down on yourself...

    The Warthogs of the world find mates because other people don't feel like they're worth high standards.

    That said, I'm a firm believer that that what you need is not often what you want, or think you need.

    You'll find your bliss... and it'll likely come in a package you didn't expect.

  8. This is an amazing story!You're a new Candice Bushnell(or whatever her name is).
    Oh, sweetie, the ones who are single are complaining about being single, the ones married about being married, the ones in a relationship complain about that:(
    I think you're lucky for not being with the wrong person. Even if you think you married the right person, after couple of years, one wonders...
    After I told you on Sunday that my hubby and I are doing better, we had a horrible, knock-down-drag-out fight last night,slept(or actually not sleep at all)in separate beds, and have been miserable since.I don't remember being this miserable while single.Enjoy!

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  10. I think, sometimes, that we're better off not being able to imagine what our particular unicorns look like.

    I suspect that when you do stumble across yours, he'll make himself quite distinguishable from all the rest.

    Good luck (not that you'll need it)!

  11. I believe that the perfect man for me actually lives in a mudhut in Africa. Maybe he's friends with your unicorn lover?

  12. OMG, M, I groaned while reading your comment. Oh, how I remember those horrible nights when I was living in the same house with Ex! My heart goes out to you. May happier days lay ahead for you.

  13. I feel ya - and I have actually stumbled upon a wonderful guy, who has the "it" factor - but lives in another country, so even in having found it - I can't yet just run off into the sunset with him.

    I agree with gacracker - my brother was a sworn bachelor - he'd been in love, and been loved more than once - but never at the same time. He had all but thrown in the towel, and then he met she who I can only refer to as his soulmate. He was 38 too. It wasn't how he may have planned it - but they are the envy of just about everyone they come across because they are the kind of couple that just fits. That's what I want - and what I'd hope for you - and there's no rushing it, it just has to happen when it happens. And whenever that is - there will be no regrets because it will be right :)

  14. You're a beautiful woman; have faith.

  15. Anon - Sorry about maligning hedgehogs. I don't actually know anything about them in person. But baby anything is cute, you know.

    ES - Even if I'd taken your advice, there were NO single people to flirt with!

    GAcracker - Hey, thanks! That makes me feel better. And congratulations!

    DCup - The idea of you trying to recommend your husband to someone else made me laugh. Who is the guy?

    HKW - Sorry to make you choke. And thank you. I hope so.

    AF - Thank you thank you! I hope, I really do.

    VVK - Hmm. You are probably right that what I need is not necessarily what I've been looking for or thinking I want.

    M - Ugh. I'm so sorry to hear that. I sent you an email.

    Dagny - Thanks. I do need all the luck I can get! I hope so.

    SL - Maybe. Perhaps we should go on safari to find them.

    MI - I'm waiting for you to run off to Paris and into the sunset along the Seine! (At any rate, that's what I'd like to do.) That's a great story about your brother. The just waiting to see what happens I suppose is unavoidable but it's hard to stay optimistic.

    Justin - Very sweet - thanks. I'm trying.

  16. One more thing...

    don't discount younger men, wife is 4 years older than me...

    ever thought about moving to Annapolis? commutes not too bad and folks are a bit nicer than DC, IMHO...

  17. g - I've mostly dated younger men for a really long time. Annapolis is beautiful, but I just don't think it's for me.

    HIN - Thanks. I hope so.


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