The undertow

I'm having a nobody loves me and I'm going to die alone kind of evening.

Here's the thing. I know it's not rational. I have a family that loves me. I'm going to see the Director tomorrow - he's coming down and staying till Thursday. And he likes me, I know he does. I have friends that love me. I could call up any number of people right now.

But what would I say? "I feel all alone - tell me you love me? Reassure me?" I have no idea what I'd say.

I realize that this nobody loves me nobody is ever going to love me I'm going to die alone makes no sense if you pick it apart. People love me. And in the end, everyone dies alone.

I go along, splashing in the waves of my life. Sometimes dog-paddling and flailing, sometimes swimming at a good clip. Sometimes body surfing, sometimes just floating, enjoying the rocking motion and the sun and sky above me. Sometimes treading water for what feels like forever. Sometimes doing somersaults. But most of the time, though the sand is constantly shifting below my feet, I can touch reasonably solid ground.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, the undertow just sucks me straight out. It's cold, it's dark, there's no ground beneath me for miles, and I'm alone.