Just so you know - this is an ugh-ful post.
If I could change something drastic about myself, it wouldn't actually be my weight or my size. It would be how I feel about these things.
It would be the ability to be impervious to numbers. To feel great about myself and how I look just because, and not because of anything external. It would be the ability to not be derailed by a scale or a piece of clothing.
I will never have small thighs or hips. However, my legs are strong from running, and I've got a lot of muscle. Not small, but solid. This is my pep talk. Can you tell?
And the kind men of 14th Street remind me regularly that I've got a lot of junk in the trunk for a white girl. I've determined that a lot of that is muscle as well. I analyze each of my parts regularly and thoroughly. I've gotten Nick to weigh in as well. No pun intended.
So generally, mostly, usuallly, or anyway often, I'm OK with this.
But I got weighed at the doctor this morning. And discovered I'm both heavier and shorter than I think I am. I have written about this very topic before.
It fucks me up like nobody's business.
OK, so I haven't been feeling skinny, but I haven't been feeling fat lately. In other words, I've been feeling normal-ish.
Except this past Saturday, when I discovered my jeans were shockingly tight. Which did make me feel fat and blobby. Especially compared to all the tiny perfect daddy's-credit-card/perfectly coiffed daddy-type-husband wifey shoppers at the charming little stores in Princeton.
Nothing will make you feel unattractive like that. Except maybe Paris. But at least there you know you're just in a different category. The not-Parisian one.
But except for the bad jeans day - and they were slightly better on Sunday - I haven't noticed my clothes being particularly tight. I'm wearing my erection skirt, and it's fine, though to be fair it's A-line. But my very fitted blazer isn't any more fitted than usual.
Which means it's all in my butt and thighs. Which is where everything goes first on me.
And today I learned I'm shorter than I thought. I'm barely over 5'3" rather than the 5'3" and 1/4 I've been running around telling people! Ugh! Being this short, my size fluctuates easily. Water, PMS, a pound here and there. Everything, everything shows in my clothes. I could be big today and little tomorrow.
But this isn't water weight. And it's not PMS. It's not even heavy breakfast weight, because I couldn't eat before they took my blood. And they had me take off my boots (which yes, I'm still wearing, because it's been so fucking cold and who the hell knows how to dress for the season anymore?).
So it's just me. This is just the weight I am. I haven't been paying attention and now my normal-ish is more than I want it to be.