Wednesday, May 21, 2008

More and less

Just so you know - this is an ugh-ful post.

If I could change something drastic about myself, it wouldn't actually be my weight or my size. It would be how I feel about these things.

It would be the ability to be impervious to numbers. To feel great about myself and how I look just because, and not because of anything external. It would be the ability to not be derailed by a scale or a piece of clothing.

I will never have small thighs or hips. However, my legs are strong from running, and I've got a lot of muscle. Not small, but solid. This is my pep talk. Can you tell?

And the kind men of 14th Street remind me regularly that I've got a lot of junk in the trunk for a white girl. I've determined that a lot of that is muscle as well. I analyze each of my parts regularly and thoroughly. I've gotten Nick to weigh in as well. No pun intended.

So generally, mostly, usuallly, or anyway often, I'm OK with this.

But I got weighed at the doctor this morning. And discovered I'm both heavier and shorter than I think I am. I have written about this very topic before.

It fucks me up like nobody's business.

OK, so I haven't been feeling skinny, but I haven't been feeling fat lately. In other words, I've been feeling normal-ish.

Except this past Saturday, when I discovered my jeans were shockingly tight. Which did make me feel fat and blobby. Especially compared to all the tiny perfect daddy's-credit-card/perfectly coiffed daddy-type-husband wifey shoppers at the charming little stores in Princeton.

Nothing will make you feel unattractive like that. Except maybe Paris. But at least there you know you're just in a different category. The not-Parisian one.

Ugh. Anyway.

But except for the bad jeans day - and they were slightly better on Sunday - I haven't noticed my clothes being particularly tight. I'm wearing my erection skirt, and it's fine, though to be fair it's A-line. But my very fitted blazer isn't any more fitted than usual.

Which means it's all in my butt and thighs. Which is where everything goes first on me.

And today I learned I'm shorter than I thought. I'm barely over 5'3" rather than the 5'3" and 1/4 I've been running around telling people! Ugh! Being this short, my size fluctuates easily. Water, PMS, a pound here and there. Everything, everything shows in my clothes. I could be big today and little tomorrow.

But this isn't water weight. And it's not PMS. It's not even heavy breakfast weight, because I couldn't eat before they took my blood. And they had me take off my boots (which yes, I'm still wearing, because it's been so fucking cold and who the hell knows how to dress for the season anymore?).

So it's just me. This is just the weight I am. I haven't been paying attention and now my normal-ish is more than I want it to be.

Ugh.

21 comments:

  1. Aww Lisa. Can I tell you about my ever flattening ass? But I have nice hooters so I'm okay. I bet you're belly is awesome, and you have fantastic upper arms too.
    But seriously big hugs, you have a body capable of amazing things, fully functional and lovable. It's so shitty our brains are so UGH...

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  2. (((hugs)))

    sorry you are having a bad, ugh day. i know how you feel, going to places and seeing perfectly tiny and put together women is always the fastest way to make me feel bad about myself.

    maybe it is all the rain we've been getting? i think i read somewhere bad weather can affect your weight...

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  3. I think it's like bad hair days. Usually it's only the person who is having one who notices - everyone else thinks he/she looks just fine.

    You look just fine, Sugar.

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  4. I can relate.

    (I'll give you a moment to recover from the shock).

    It's the weight you are. And you look lovely. And just so you know, everyone's jeans shrink in Princeton.

    I swear - mine do it too, every visit. :o)

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  5. I can totally relate. I'm STILL trying to lose that last 15 pounds of baby weight, and what with having had a steady stream of sinus issues, bronchial issues, and general ennui about exercising, I don't see it leaving any time soon. I'm sure you look gorgeous, but I also know that hearing that from other people doesn't erase the yuckiness of a bad weigh-in at the doctor's office.

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  6. crap- can't find the article to support my theory. but i still say we blame it on the rain.

    hmmm, anyone else break into milli vanilli?

    milli vanilli aside, i'm sure you look fantastic! and the same size, especially if the erection skirt and blazer fit. :-)

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  7. Mary - Thank you thank you! You made me laugh: nice hooters go a very long way! :). I do have a decent tummy and good arms. But ugh! Ugh!

    mrsmac - You know, I do feel much puffier in the rain. Maybe I've absorbed it by osmosis? :) I think the rain is directly unhelpful in that I snack more and exercise less and just generally feel gross.

    FreckledK - Ha - I love that idea. I'm going to start calling them bad ass days along the lines of bad hair days.

    Dagny - Thank you, my sweet. Gasp! Relate!? And that is very good to know about Princeton. Ha!

    Wendy - That's very hard. I'm sure YOU look gorgeous - you do in your pics, but as you said, hearing it from others doesn't change how you feel.

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  8. And? I LOVED that Milli Vanilli song! I don't care who was actually singing!

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  9. I know what you mean! I'm 5'2" and very athletic, but not nice and super skinny and it pisses me off. My boyfriend got mad at me for all of the time I spend on the scale, and I recently went even MORE OCD and bought a body fat analyzer. Women are never happy. :-)
    I think you're right, though. What I'd like more than being super skinny is just honestly not *caring* about those few vanity pounds. I'm sure you look amazing, though--doctor's scales always have a way of ruining a good day!

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  11. I hate to break it to you, but when you're in a happy relationship and living with a guy it's reaaaally easy to lose track of your weight. I gained 15lbs after the first year Nick and I first moved in together. It's shocking, but at least you caught it early not 2 sizes later like i did :-)

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  12. To mimic everyone else, don't worry about it. You're Hot. :-)

    Just write it off to minor constipation (weight) and not sleeping well (height). I'm tall enough that I'm noticeably taller in the morning than I am at the end of the day. I have to readjust my rear view mirror every morning and evening (if I drive) because my height changes... and I hit my head on things in the morning that I don't hit in the evening.

    Anyways, you can easily grow a quarter inch by sleeping well. And just a little constipation can put on a few pounds.

    But none of that matters, 'cause you're *Hot*... :-)

    -vvk

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  13. It was a full moon, for pity's sake. Am I the only one that adds two pounds in water weight at the full moon (not to mention crazy moods and lapsing attention spans, courtesy of the same)? And doctor's scales really do lie!!
    I have a feeling if I ever saw you in real life, I'd think to myself "dang it, why can't I look like her?".

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  14. I know you're thin, so I think you have nothing to worry about. But of course, this is what people say to me in similar circumstances and I just can't reconcile what they're saying with the numbers on the scale or the reflection in the mirror.

    Not sure what to do about it, for either of us, and I really wish I did. Perhaps we could be be food journal buddies. But that seems un-fun and monotonous.

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  15. Also... when was the last time your doctor's office had its scale calibrated for both height and weight? They do need to be calibrated every now and then.

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  16. The ever fluctuating body issues are maddening! You know you are your own worst critic and you're part of our culture that tells you that you should always hate your body. I hope you're feeling better soon about that.

    The perfectly thin women probably looked at you and wished to be so damn beautiful and interesting. Seriously. Because you are.

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  17. Sarah - I have considered that, but I think I'd really go over the edge, since I try not to weigh myself at all. It's way too easy to get wrapped up in numbers. Ugh.

    Jo - Happy is good, but it sounds like this is going to be a constant struggle. Aaaaaghhh!

    VVK - This was first thing in the morning, so I can't blame the shortening of the day, but that is REALLY interesting. I had no idea! As for the hotness, thank you, my friend. Hugs to you. :)

    Susan - Oh, thank you - so nice! As for the full moon, I hadn't thought about that at all. I'm sure it didn't help - people do get a little crazy and I'm sure it affects body water.

    Slightly Disorganized - Yah, that's how it is. It's more internal than external. And being food journal buddies, would be so un-fun. Although a food journal is not a bad idea for me, actually.

    VVK - I dunno. It's a new doctor for me.

    DCup - It's true - I'm 50 times more critical than anyone on the outside. And thank you - what a sweet, sweet thing to say. :)

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  18. To piggyback on VK's comment, doctor's office scales are notoriously off because they are so rarely calibrated. My mom works at Weight Watchers, where they use digital scales and calibrate them often, and is ALWAYS saying how you scales at doctor's offices are the worst. Plus, I HATE that they never account for clothing, because 3-5 pounds on me (also 5'3") is enough of a difference to bother me.
    -Melissa

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  19. Melissa - Thanks, this totally makes me feel better. Effing scales.

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  20. funny, i'm kind of in the same spot right now - a few weeks ago i noticed that my pants were feeling a bit tight, so i got on the scale. i very rarely do the scale, for obvious reasons - and because i'm built like you re: hips and thighs, my pants are my gauge :)

    turns out i'm at the tip-top of my ten-pound comfort range - eesh! so it's time to exercise a little more and eat a little less. i'm trying to cut down on the snacking and the multiple glasses of wine at night :) but of course, i'm on vacation for a wedding this weekend - perrrrfect time to try to cut back on nibbling and boozing, right?? ha.

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