Thursday, May 29, 2008

Note to self: next year wear a dress. Oh, and practice your aim in the meantime.

So I had to give a urine sample for my physical. This is always more convoluted than you expect it to be.

First of all, you have this long set of instructions. I always read them thoroughly. I forget how it went last year. I get all nervous. Like, really, I'm going to fail my urine sample. But anyway.

You're supposed to take two sanitary moist towelettes and have them ready. And then you're supposed to wipe yourself, firmly and thoroughly, front to back. Once. You have to make sure to wipe only once and use each towelette only once. You then dispose of them in the trash can, not the toilet.

OK, so step one is already kind of complicated. There's just too much going on.

For one thing, you've unzipped your pants and pulled down your undies, and you're kind of half hovering above the toiled. With your legs far enough apart to pee , but even more importantly, enough to keep your pants from falling down.

And this part is uncomfortable, because most likely your undies are pulling at your legs but your pants are still wanting to slide. And you're all goddammit! You are not hitting the ground!

Because who wants their pants to touch the ground in a public bathroom? Especially in a bathroom where people are having to do urine sample contortions?


At this point you open both moist towelette wrappers. You cannot do this before pulling down your pants, because where are you going to put them? You can't set them on the sink. Because, ick, no longer sanitary!

So you're in this hover-y, precarious position, and you're trying to hold both of these towelettes.

And then you use one of the towelettes, following the instructions, while holding the other one with your other hand. Which is also involved in the proper following of the instructions.

And then! Then you realize that you have to dispose of this first towelette in the trash can!

Which is across the room.

You're not going to set it on the sink while you use the other one, because ick again - you've just wiped your vagina with it. And maybe the last person set theirs on the sink, which is precisely why you didn't set yours on it before using in the first place.

So you lurch across the room, one hand holding the still sanitary moist towelette, and your legs far enough apart to keep your pants up, or maybe you squeeze your knees together so your pants don't fall down, but have your feet far enough apart to do a wobble waddle over to the trash.

And then you return to the toilet and repeat this process all over again.

This would, of course, be 54 times easier if the trash can were next to the toilet. I forgot to tell the doctor that when I saw her.

So once you're finished with your sanitary towelette ablutions, then, then you have to figure out the whole pee in a cup business!

You're supposed to pee a little into the toilet, and then pee in the cup, then seal it. After that it says to make sure to wipe it clean, put your name on it, and put it in the little cupboard.

But this part also involves both balance and decision making.

How much to pee first? What if you pee too much in the cup? How much do they really want? Is this going to be enough? You were kind of thirsty when you came in. Maybe you can't pee enough. Oh, it's totally enough. But will they laugh at you if you fill it to the top? Maybe you should pour some out.

Again, stupid. Who fails a urine sample? But in the moment, I take these thing very seriously.

Beyond this, peeing into those little cups is not as easy as you think it would be. You invariably wind up peeing on the cup, if not your hand. You figure the cup handlers wear gloves because these cups have dried urine all over them.

By the time I put my name on it and stuck it in the little cupboard, I'd worked up a sweat.

It's a process. Seriously.


  1. I can totally relate. Why is it such an ORDEAL?

  2. Dammit! I've been doing it wrong.
    I always drop the towletts in the toilet.

  3. The whole process just gives me the heebie jeebies. Part of me kind of thinks that if they want something from my body, they can bloody well come and take it, can't they? Making a feeling-poorly person do things just seems wrong, somehow.

    Though this is one of the few times I'm glad for the long arms and legs that come with ginormity, as well as the occasions when I've remembered to wear a skirt. :o)

  4. hmm... giving a urine sample is a lot easier for men. A lot.

    But a thought, doctors office bathrooms usually have hooks... wouldn't it be easier if you just took off your pants and panties and put them on a hook?

  5. Valerie - I am glad to hear that! Sometimes I fear I make things more complicated than they need to be.

    Mary - I can't remember what I did before, but these instructions said to put them in the trash can.

    Dagny - Heh - urine extraction I think would be a lot worse than offering it up, but the idea of a standoff makes me laugh.

    VVK - Yes, much easier for men. Plus you can write your name in the snow. Penis envy? Maybe a little. :)

    And in theory, yes. But then you'd have to take off your shoes and be barefoot in the bathroom while removing the rest. Eee.

  6. hahaha this post is hilarious

  7. Just wait until you are pregnant! The whole thing gets a lot easier, I swear. You'd think it'd get more challenging with your new shape and all, but it's totally a matter of practice. And you have to do it ALL the time when you are pregnant!

  8. Wow. The next time I'm struggling for a blog post topic, I'll just go to the bathroom. Apparently, it's an endless font of funny stories. Who knew?

  9. I laughed my way through this one! I'm with boo boo, once you've gone through a pregnancy, you become an old (pee covered) hand at this exercise.

  10. I dunno, I also had to pee in (on, around) a cup oh so many times when I was expecting, and I never got good at it. It seemed like there was pee everywhere, every time. Ah well, I've never been the most coordinated person... :o)

  11. You didn't let the sweat drip in the cup, did you?

  12. More fun? The military has someone watching you while you do this.

  13. Sorry...lack of sleep. I meant to say that if one were in the military, and had to give a urine sample, there would be someone else in the room watching (which makes the whole awkward process extremely awkward). I didn't mean to imply that the military was spying on your doctor's office.

  14. h - Thanks! :)

    Janie - Wow, sure that makes sense. The constant checking of everything. That's another world entirely.

    Wendy - Yah. I can fascinate myself with the most prosaic things.

    DCup - "an old (pee covered) hand" hahahahahaha!

    A.S. I have a feeling this is how I'm going to be. I lack hand-eye coordination in a big way.

    Rich - Um, no. Fortunately.

    Andie - I got what you intended in your first comment, which was an alarming thought, but this second one really made me laugh. (Although I suppose it's conceivable with this administration, which is so not funny.)

  15. Hi-larious! As always. Thanks for giving me a good laugh on this sunny, beautiful Friday, Lisa :)

    Hope all is well!

  16. Totally a process! I didn't ahve to go through this particular one until I was pregnant. For some reason my OBGYN required the "clean catch" method. I can definitely tell you it only gets harder when you have a belly :-)


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