So, I have this tendency to be a little extreme.
I know those of you who know me just snorted. So I'll give you a moment.
I don't have lots of close friends. There are lots of people I like, but not a lot who are in close close. I've always been like this. It's an energy thing, I think.
And If I like you, I see all the best things about you. You're hilarious! So incredibly smart! Charming! Fascinating! Creative! Etc!
This is not to say that I don't see my friends as human, and with flaws. But I focus on the good, to the point where that's mostly what I see.
I do this to everyone I like and love.
It's flexible, to some extent.
Like, when I'm mad at Nick, he's suddenly so not funny. How did I ever think he was hilarious? And why does he wear that ugly shirt so often? It makes him look sallow.
Then tomorrow he's all kinds of funny and cute and wonderful all over again.
He's the same. Duh. It's my lens that is so variable. I recognize this. But it's visceral. It's like I physically see differently.
So if you're on the good side, you're a sparkly chocolate-covered unicorn. Except real.
But if I stop liking you as a person, if I lose respect for you, it's like I suddenly see you in a fun-house mirror. You're not only not gorgeous, brilliant, fabulous. . .you're actually distorted, grey-tinted, grotesquely, bizarrely bloated.
And my prism works pretty much one way.
You know I've seen and dealt with terrible, traumatic things in my life. I have an immense capacity for understanding things that more "normal" people might find unacceptable. I can bend shockingly far.
And yet, my line, it is inflexible. Once you cross it, once you step in front of that fun-house mirror, you're never rose-colored in my world again.
You just described me.
ReplyDeleteuh oh. i hope no one did anything too bad. mostly, i hope no one hurt your feelings or those of someone you love!
ReplyDeleteHillary - So you understand this. I'm so glad. I think most people are not this extreme.
ReplyDeletebrookem - Ah, thanks for the nice sentiment. Not too bad. But no longer rosy!
Sparkly and chocolate-covered? Covered in sparkly chocolate?
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean, as far as The Line goes. Where we differ is, I tend to blame myself for any variations in rosiness prior to any crossing of The Line. But afterward?
Afterward, a person might as well contract (non-fatal) leprosy and hasten it along with dashes of acid to the face, because that person will only be ugly to me. *sigh*
Your way seems fair. Even if it is not, well, one needs to stay on the right side of the line! Very interesting post.
ReplyDeleteI'm exactly like this too. It means my circle is VERY small, but I'd fight to the death if anyone dared do something bad to a person in my circle.
ReplyDeleteI'm not as extreme as you, but I identify EXACTLY with your description of how you see a person who crosses you, who you stop liking as a person. They DO become distorted and you can't get the previous image back.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a positive person that whatever they have done to lose the 'rosy' was bad.
ReplyDeleteIts a trust thing, you trust them and love them in all their choocolate covered sparkliness but when they do something to melt that chocolate, it's never the same. Once you lose trust or faith in a person, they can work as hard as they like but you never,ever completely trust them again. Its a sad thing, especially when its family or someone close close that does this thing to you.
I'm all good with someone until they eff me over. And then I walk away. Forever. It's just not the same anymore and I don't see the point in wasting energy and time on that person.
ReplyDeleteI've only made 2 exceptions - a friend who was the closest thing ever & then we had a huge fight & didn't talk to each other for two years - slowly hanging out with him again.
And my mother. But that goes without saying. Family gets countless do-overs. Unfortunately.
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ReplyDeleteDagny - Surprise sparkly underneath a lovely coating of delicious chocolate.
ReplyDeleteYah - we definitely differ there. It's not me, it's them. And yes on the leprosy and acid.
HKW - I don't know if it's fair or not, but it's how I'm wired. And there's so much leeway before you get to my line. It's pretty unusual to cross it for good.
Tia - That's exactly what I'm like. If you're my people, I will do anything for you. Anything.
P - It's such an odd thing, isn't it? I just cannot ever see them the same way, even if I get over the hurt.
Go-Betty - Trust is one of those things, as you said. Once you melt the chocolate, you never get the same shape back. We can be friendly and cordial, but abuse my trust and you never get it back.
Sarah - Yes - once that happens, definitely not worth your energy.
I can get through a huge fight, and family is always family, in my opinion.
I don't like this. I want for you to always have roses.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I'm available to join your Vengeance Gang. I'll cut a bitch, no problem.