Saturday, June 26, 2010

Which gets added to the long list of reasons why a dog is exactly what we need. Also, I totally recommend hairspray.

I tend to divide the world into two camps: people who can deal with bugs and people who cannot.

OK, fine. I divide the world in other ways too. But I bet you are or you aren't.


Despite having grown up in countries with cockroaches the size of small children, I fall into the latter category. I whimper. I jump up and down. I get all ishy foo foo (and thank you, Connie, for the excellent maybe-Minnesota expression). I either run or fight the urge mightily.

I call shrilly and desperately for my mama, if she's anywhere nearby. She's one of those deal-with-bug-ers.

So last night, with no Betty and no Nick anywhere within miles, I saw one of those creepy beigey hairy leggy crawly insecty things marching down the hall. Nick calls them silverfish, although I feel like these have a lot more wavy things waving off of them than the silverfish with which I am familiar.

Plus, as pictured above, this one had fangs and utensils.

So this creepy wavy dude was making his way down the hall towards the bedroom. He stopped halfway, sort of against the wall, and I leaped over and past him, into our room.

I looked around frantically for something toxic, but it turns out that we don't even own Raid, much less keep a can next to the bed.

So weird, huh?

The time I encountered a cockroach I hairsprayed the shit out of it. And then I covered it with a lot of paper towels and left the house and called Nick.

Nick later asked me to Please Never Do That Again. It turns out to be horrendously hard to get rid of a bug that's been firmly affixed to the floor.

More ishy foo foo.

So then I saw the squeeze bottle of Purell! I squoze. And then I covered it with a lot of kleenex. But then it seemed like it might have survived. So I had to flatten it. Because unlike with the hairspray, I couldn't be certain it wouldn't escape.

Just writing it makes me all twitchy squeamy goosebumpish.

But it makes me less twitchy squeamy than the idea of going to bed with it all waving its creepy leggy fronds around and marching towards the bedroom.

Because you know Nick would come home and our baby would've been eaten by a potential silverfish on steroids. And it would be all my fault.

Actually, it would be his fault. Because raccoons have opposable thumbs and God knows when one might disable the alarm, pick the lock, open the door, and saunter down the hall and untie our shoelaces and give us rabies and plus our old house has creaky ghosts - Nick calls this "settling" but Betty says they're ghosts for sure, and she likes them - and creepy crawlies.

And now that I'm not allowed to use hairspray, plus I'm sure it wouldn't work on raccoons or ghosts, I think the only reasonable answer is a dog.

Don't you think?


  1. Two things I love most about this post: that drawing and the word "squoze."

    I'm less freaked out by insects than you are, but I can't deal with them (as in DO something about their presence). If they look even vaguely crunchy (as in they make a sound or you can feel them under your shoe when you squish 'em) - then they simply must be dealt with by someone else.

    Otherwise, they can move in and set up house, and I'll draw a white line down the middle of the rooms like the boys did on that Brady Bunch episode. Stay on your side and we'll get along fine, spookylegs.

  2. I used to kill cockroaches with a ton of hair spray or Pledge. It worked great, since the little buggers were too fast for me to hit. You just have to throw away the corpse before it sticks to your floor.

  3. I'm indifferent to bugs... but watching people scurry away from bugs is entertaining... :-)

  4. My aunt is like you when it comes to spiders. One day, when she was doing laundry, she saw a spider. First she sprayed it with stain remover, simply because that is what she had in her hand; when that didn't work, she tried spraying it with bleach, which she thought would be caustic enough to kill it. No such luck. So she finally starched it to death.

    Petrification - when you're not brave enough to actually squish something, any kind of death will suffice!

  5. omg ive NEVER had a more apropos comment. just saw this news story, "A raccoon described as acrobatic and mean-spirited knocked out power to a section of downtown Memphis"

    also, im of the ishy ishy foo foo camp.

  6. I live in S. FLorida where they have Palmetto Bugs. Basically a HUGE cockroach that flies. I'm totally ishy foo foo. Like, if I see one, I have to move to a new house.

    ALso, you might consider a cat. Dogs don't deal with bugs. A cat will. Plus, they're very good at staring at nothing. Thereby alerting you to the ghosts. I'm not sure about raccoons, though!

  7. You're so brave! The silverfish drawing is a classic. I agree, yall should get a dog. Bugs with fangs and utensils would be no problem for a dog.

  8. I completely LOL'd all over the place after that drawing.

    However, I don't think you should get a dog. I'm pretty sure that taking care of a baby is a ton of work, and considering how much poop you already clean up, do you want to deal with a dog's doodie, too?

    And I say this as the owner of two lovable mutts that I cannot live without.

  9. Lisa, I bet you swallowed a few bugs in your sleep this last year. Also, you are a bit strange:)

  10. Keenie Beanie - Thank you! I'm actually quite pleased at how accurate the drawing is. :)

    I feel that way about spiders, but nothing else. Because how can you trust them to stay on their side?

    Jaclyn - Oh, Pledge! I doubt we have any of that either. And yah, the floor sticking is apparently very terrible. I wasn't anywhere within shouting distance at the time.

    vvk - Why am I not surprised you'd find that amusing? :)

    queen of entropy - Starch! Starch is a great idea! I don't kill spiders, though. I read Charlotte's Web years and years ago and they've all been Charlotte ever since.

    Lusty Reader - Thank you! This is PERFECT! I am always going on about the evils of raccoons and Nick is all yes, yes. But here is PROOF!

    cla57 - Oh! We had flying cockroaches in Bangladesh, I think it was. Hideous and scary and terrible!

    The cat, while probably a good idea, is not an option. They make me all wheezy and not-breathey and that really pisses me off. Also, the idea of a litter box just makes me retch.

    HKW - Thank you. I whimpered and whined and jumped up and down a lot.

    And I really really want a dog. Really.

    Miss Dallas - Sigh. I know. This is the start of a long and possibly fruitless campaign. Nick and Betty are a lot more realistic about the amount of work a dog will take. Most of which will be on me, since he works so much of the time.

    GW Mush - God, I hope not. And I'm probably a lot odder than any of you know. :)

  11. Ok firstly your drawing is hilarious, I really had no idea what the hell it was carrying that fork around. Secondly, go buy some Raid please.
    Thirdly, ishy foo foo has to be the best term I have heard this year. It will now be added to my extensive list of words and phrases that totally make people look at me like I am mad. Of which I am of course, and now I am back on the dating scene I do so enjoy using my words. It entertains me to watch the reactions. Oh shit wanna know something funny, a guy tried to ask me out on this dating site who had actually been on a date with me about 2 years ago......he said he would call, he didnt (of which I was pleased because he had very unwashed teeth , icky poo) So I actually reminded him of this non call back date and his unwashed teeth and that no I wasnt interested in meeting him again. Was I bad?

  12. OK, G-Betty, you are completely awesome! I would say you were exactly right! Mr. No-call A-hole! Good for you for your candor! Why go through the motions for something you've already done that ended badly? I do think it's particularly hilarious that you brought up his dirty teeth.

    I had people email me again on the dating site, although nobody I'd actually ever gone on a date with...but I thought, I recognize you - do you just email so many women that you don't recognize me? And then I thought, maybe it's for the better not to be recognized. Who knows?

    And ishy foo foo is just the best expression. My goal is to use it as much as possible until everyone I know gets completely sick of it. :)

  13. dude, why do you think I have two?

  14. Dogs don't work on silverfish. My cats wouldn't even play with them and they love bugs! But then again, NC has mutant silverfish. And they stink when you squish them. So I'd definitely go for death by somesortofspray.

  15. One word for you regarding dogs. Fleas.


    Too many cats


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