Friday, April 15, 2011

Which just makes me so glad I don't have a lawn

The other day I stopped into the Gap, thinking I would buy some totally basic NOT BLACK T-shirts. Because I believe spring is here.

I couldn't find any normal T-shirts. What I did find, however, were these stretchy cutoff jean shorts. For $50.

They also have them in a light wash.

They look a little more polished here, plus these women are tall with skinny-winny legs. They were more fraying and fringy in the store. The shorts, I mean.

Can someone please explain this business to me?

Now, I made some very questionable fashion decisions in my teens. (But I tell myself those were the 80s; we all made questionable fashion decisions.)

If I were younger, would I think these were awesome? Would I wear them with heels? I think I'd have to, so my legs didn't look totally stumpy. But would I feel stupid and/or hideous wearing very tight stretchy cutoff denim shorts?

I'm pretty sure I would.

Because even if I had a lawn, I certainly wouldn't mow it in those. I'd find something cheaper and more comfortable and less frightening. Something that might breathe while I was sweating. Mowing the lawn is hot work, you know? I can only imagine I would frighten the neighbors in those. And then get a yeast infection.

Which then would mean none of the s-e-x and then Nick would always be obliged to mow the lawn and he'd feel deprived with all the no-s-e-x and we'd both be grumpy and the quality of our marriage would decline.

Also, grass makes me itch. It would just be so ugly all around.

Plus, who mows the lawn in heels? I mean, if I did have a lawn. For example. Because heels and grass just do not mix. I'm going to an outside wedding next month. Shoes are always a problem at outdoor events.

I'll tell you one thing I won't be wearing, though: stretchy cutoff jean shorts.

But if they seem like something you could rock, and you understand them, would you please tell me so? Because it could be that I am old and set in my ways and suspicious of things I don't understand.

Also, it is sunny, and it is Friday, and happy everything, everyone!

Well, except the ants. Happy Terro to you guys.


  1. I went because I had a 35% off any regularly priced item on Sunday...and man, I hated those shorts. And pretty much all of the spring/summer clothes they had out. Where would I wear these shorts? Not to work, not around, and certainly not lounging around the house.

    I bought another black shirt instead to add to my collection of black shirts. Blerg.

  2. Ugh, no. Cut off shorts are just a no, IMO, unless you're working around the house, painting or something, in an actual pair of jeans that you cut off.

  3. I do not approve of jorts. It's a slippery slope to mulletland once your start sporting jorts.

  4. Celia - YES! I didn't find a single spring thing I liked! And it all made me wonder if I was just getting too old for Gap. They used to have wonderful basics. I used to like their dresses. Lately, though, nothing!

    Lisa - That's exactly how I feel. And even then, yuck.

    Kate Bee - Jorts! There's a word! The horror!

  5. This remind me: I need to mow the lawn.

  6. Those are awful. It's skinny jeans for the summer. Ick. They do remind me of jeans I wore in the 80's, though, but they weren't stretchy, just the same length (with a nice baggy extra large B-52's t-shirt on top).

    How depressing. I have always hated spring collections - far too many pastels for this olive skinned brunette - so I usually just wait for summer collections to come out. I hope other stores at least have better selections for you!

  7. i had to read this post twice because where in the world did mowing the lawn even come from?! just lisa's brain i guess. but anyway, i have to agree - those shorts are super ugly and would not be flattering on anyone other than a 6 ft tall skinny model.

  8. A looooong long time ago when I was young and svelte and tan and well, pretty (and didn't even know it) I was wearing something denim and short and gawdawfulacidwashed. A man walked past me and said "Girl, you could stop traffic in a gunny sack!" So I think it all has to do with the age and shape of the wearee. I'm glad you brought up mowing today because it SNOWED last night and I need to think positive about it. At least I am NOT out mowing in stretchy shorts and heels. Cheers!

  9. I remember an 80's fashion that was similar except they were not tight and they were rolled up at the bottom. And I wore them.

    Now? HELL no. In fact, I can't really find any shorts that I like lately. I've been buying sun dresses instead.

  10. I do not understand those shorts. Also? I have to wear long pants when I mow the lawn because I'm afraid of stones hitting the blade and shooting out and hitting my bare legs and killing me. This is why I live in a condo.

  11. I have shorts that are kind of like that, only no spandex. I made them, when an ink stain ruined the bottom of a pair of jeans that I bought for $30.

    I don't have a lawn either, and haven't really missed it, except that at some point I'm pretty sure I'm going to want to yell at someone to get off my lawn, only I can't because I don't have a lawn.

    Yay! It's spring today!

  12. I feel like a total loser, but I own those shorts. Not the same ones, but close. They go with anything because they're jeans. And they arent super short so 1) I don't look like a hooker and 2) my thighs don't rub together when I walk.

  13. ugh. how come so many summer clothes have to be tight... i shake my fist at the effing yeast infection potential too.

  14. Dana - It's a perfect day for it!

    Luna - After railing against it, I've embraced the skinny jeans. I kind of love them all over again. So who knows - maybe I'll be in these shorts by end of summer?

    Pastels suit me but there's nothing out this season that I'm just aching to have. I keep looking, and nothing. I'm waiting for summer as well.

    carly - I never claim to proceed in a logical fashion. :) Here's what it was: jeans shorts. Jeans shorts are for mowing the lawn. I wouldn't mow the lawn in these. I don't have a lawn. And I'm happy about it.

    Lynn - Oooh, you had to go and bring up acid washed! I had an entire pair of acid washed overalls. Horrendous.

    And you have got to be kidding me. SNOW? What is wrong with ND???

    cla517 - Oh, man. I just remembered I had long jeans shorts that I rolled up. I wore them with s blazer and those shortie cowboy boots. Oh, the horror.

    Hillary - My child was afraid of grass for a while. He has so little experience with it.

    And I'm more afraid of slicing off a toe than dying of a rock to the shin, but it all feeds the same place, I think.

    Jessica - Well, huh! How do you wear them? Do you wear them with heels? (Recognizing, of course, that your legs go on forever and you don't actually need them.) Or just casual for day?

    As for the lawn. I think it would be even MORE effective to yell that without having a lawn. Because crazy people are unpredictable. Your opponent, who will know this, will then be very nervous. And you will have won.

    Jac - I feel terrible! I am highly suspicious of these shorts, but it's because, as I said, I just don't understand them. What do you wear them with? I'm genuinely curious.

    K-Tee - So many good not-tight options, though. I loooove sundresses. Love love love! Can't wait!

  15. Not only do I not get those shorts, but I have a negative reaction to skinny jeans that is so strong I actually got into an argument with my husband yesterday about whether or not they were flattering on a Victoria's Secret model. My stance: the only thing good about that look is the fact that the woman wearing the jeans was already smokin' hot. His: Shhhhh... you're spoiling my moment.

  16. So, my hubby's late grandfather used to accuse his neighbors of poisoning his lawn. He'd wait up late at night and peek through his curtains to catch them in the act. As far as I know, he never did. But his mumblings and grumblings and pitbull Sally, who just happened to enjoy peeing in the front yard at every.single.opportunity convinced the neighbors that he was not only crazy, he wasn't very observant to boot.

    Oh, and the shorts? I couldn't do it. I'm too curvy and would end up looking just aw.ful. I, like you, though, have embraced straight jeans of late...with ballet flats or cute sandals, they seem to work pretty well.

    At least nobody has said they don't, yet.

  17. Pretty soon I'm just going to become a nudist. My girls won't let me buy capris and since I'm ridiculously short, it's hard for me to find shorts or pants or jeans that fit. Out of desperation, I cut off a pair of pre-no-capris-rule capris from Old Navy. They were falling apart. So now I have a pair of shorts that I could have gotten at the Gap.

    With all these rules, about what I can and can't wear, I'm about to lose it. Hence, the nudity. That's sure to trigger a whole new slew of rules.

    Those Gap shorts would look fine on about 8% of the population. And no, I didn't mow in my heels today. I couldn't run from the bees in heels. xoxo

  18. I have to sign in on the hatey-hate side. A gal could better on 5 bucks at the thrift store. Seriously.

  19. In Texas, we call these "jorts," which is short for "jean shorts." They are met with irreconcilable disdain everywhere.

  20. UG--LY,
    sorry but even on tall skinny winny legs those shorts/jorts whatever look suspicious. I have a pair of my fav jeans I cut off into shorts when they wore out that come about halfway between there and my knees so they arent that long and not daisy duke shorts. I used them for painting and gardening only out the back yard though where no one can see. My son mowed my lawns today after 3 weeks of arguing and pleading with him to get them done so the place doesnt look like McKakies Mansion.

  21. I like "jorts" - but just the name. I think they would be attractive on a VERY few people. You'd have to have, like everything going for you - and in all departments, e.g.age weight, height, leg length, etc.

  22. But what is our alternative?

    Put out to pasture at Chico's? Already?


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