Wednesday, November 30, 2011

But since I don't work in advertising or have a penis, nobody has to worry. In case you were in the first place.

I have now given some thought to how to best display four fingernails and a thumbnail-worth of nail polish.

Gripping a nail polish bottle, as Jenn suggested yesterday, is a less clenchy-looking way. And, I believe, how they do it in the magazine ads. But it's still very staged and weird.

So I picked up a cup. My hands aren't big enough to reach all the way around. You couldn't see the nails. Nick's hands are, but giant manhands are an unlikely choice. Granted, I have short fingers. This might work with longer fingers. And maybe a thin glass.

Then I thought, what about hand weights? Some of them are probably the right size. Although how often are you standing around gripping a hand weight? The ad would have to be set in a gym. And then would you be advertising how strong the polish is? Not as fun.

Maybe a large carrot. Or zucchini. But then again, you'd have to be holding them very artificially. Like, you're poised to make victory salad! With your new manicure!

No. With a new manicure, in my fantasy ad world, I'd want to be taken out to dinner. Not make my own salad.

And then it occurred to me!

The average penis is probably the perfect prop for showing off a handful of painted nails. It wouldn't even have to be a bizarrely contorted pose.

Which is not to imply that I sit around with a penis in my hand more often than hand weights. Because I don't. Sorry, Nick.

And I guess you wouldn't necessarily be just sitting around, really. Even if you were feeling patriotic next to a serviceman. Because that in itself would be odd. But you know what I mean.

You also know that if I had my own, I'd totally be waving it around all the damn time. So we can all agree that it's better that I'm a woman.

There is, of course, the awkwardness of the ad being centered around a penis. I suppose it could only run in porn magazines. And how many people looking at porn are likely to notice the nail polish and want to buy it?

Maybe if you had celebrities wearing the nail polish, so guys would then be prompted to buy the color for their partner and then fantasize about, I don't know, Alyssa Milano or somebody giving them a hand job. So you wouldn't want Justin Bieber advertising his own stuff. I mean, not in straight markets, anyway.

But would men actually be paying attention to how the nails were painted?

And no, I don't know why I spend my time on this kind of thing. I really don't.


  1. How about using a Shake Weight? Have you seen those commercials? Perfect combination between a penis and a weight. Then you could advertise the nail polish as fun, strong, and a little naughty.

  2. Hahahahahahah

    Oh LG, you do say the damndest things sometimes BUT.... I know several men who would agree with you.

  3. I'm glad you think about such things, agree that it's best you're a woman and think you'd be brilliant in advertising.

    After your post in IVF which referenced the variety of porn available, I wouldn't be surprised if there were an adult publication featuring nail polish. I'm not going to find out though.

  4. frugalveganmom - That's one of the funniest things I've seen. And yes, you are right - that could totally be the tagline!

    That gentleman's lady - I do not know how I come up with this drivel. But you are likely right, and lots of men would agree. :)

    HK - Why, thank you. I actually think advertising would be quite interesting. And I could totally leave the penises out of it.

    Now I would like to find out. But not at work.

  5. Somewhere an OPI marketing exec got a boner.

    P.S. Sophie says nice nails! xoxo

  6. Lisa! Boner Pink could be an intriguing color! And thank you to Sophie! :)

  7. Unrelated: I often comment that your Jordan stories have scared me away from having kids, but really I was kidding...because today I found out I'm pregnant!!!! (shhhhh ;)


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