Big mother

I know this sounds terrible but I'd kind of like to get my mom microchipped. While I'm at it, I might have them do it to my kids as well. Particularly for future peace of mind.

Because that India is going to be a hellion in her teens. I'm sure of it.

The truth is, I so badly wanted to do this to my dad for the next time he disappeared. But he'd have known and gotten rid of it. I mean, even if we were able to do it without his knowledge. Which is just very sci-fi and also maybe probably illegal?

I dunno. I mean, is it like wiretapping to microchip someone without their consent?

Anyway. Now that I'm really thinking about it, I wouldn't mind knowing where my husband is whenever I'm curious.

Not because I think he'd be having an affair. More like I could give him a call and be all, "So, you're at Fogo de Chao, huh?" Or, "I see you're halfway home. Could you stop and get some milk?"

No, I'm kidding. I wouldn't do that. Because actually, we now get our milk delivered from South Mountain Creamery and they are wonderful.

But anyway.

The alarm company called this afternoon because the alarm was going off and our living room glass break sensor had set it off and then the back door and nobody answered at home and would I like them to call the police?

Absolutely.

Our tenant texted and said the alarm was going off, and so she investigated the front and nothing seems broken. And now the alarm is off.

So I have been calling Betty incessantly, to no avail, either on the home phone or her cell phone. My assumption is that she's picking Jordan up and set the alarm and then headed out the back door but stopped to get a glass of water or put on some lipstick or maybe make some toast or something on her way out.

Microchipping, I feel, is the answer.

Or maybe just strapping her phone to her. With a charger.

Or both. Yes. Both. Microchips for all! That's not at all creepy, huh?