Thursday, December 27, 2007

The 26

I wound up in a conversation about the concept of The One recently. Someone brought it up and I laughed. With the side of my lip curled. It was maybe more of a sneer.

The One? Please.

Because Jaded? Is not my God-given middle name. I've worked hard for it.

I used to believe in The One. Truly I did.

But then when you spend a year with The One and it doesn't work out, you realize he wasn't actually The One. You just really really (really) wanted to be in love. You were young. You learned later he was gay.

The One, if you are a straight woman, is never going to be a gay man.

And then years go by and you meet another The One, and you figure that he is it, because it's so different than when you were 23. And then he's not it.

And then you meet The Really One. And you think, "Wow! People are right when they say you just know!" Even though for years you've scoffed at people who say, "When I met my husband I just knew."

But you think you know. Wow! You know! This must be it!

Because you know, or at any rate, at some point you just knew, you spend a number of years trying to make each other fit perfectly. Because you almost do, except for a couple things. Which is why you keep trying until you pretty much grind it into the ground.

And so that, too, ends. One? None.

And then you decide that honestly, The One is like unicorns, or world peace, or being able to eat everything you want and never exercising and fitting into size four jeans.

So the woman who was talking about The One said she'd read an article explaining that there isn't only one One for everyone. In fact, there are 26 Ones.

I don't know how they came up with this number. But she said it with a great deal of authority. And I quite like the idea.

"The thing is," she continued, "these 26 are sprinkled throughout the world. You can't count on them all being in your own country."

So I suppose that if one of yours lives in Mogadishu and you don't have a passport, well, you're down to 25. Which would be a good argument for getting out into the world.

It makes it seem like love could be lurking around every corner, doesn't it?

This led me, as one might imagine, to consider a One Hunt. And then immediately I leaped to visions of the fabulous safari-like outfits one might wear on the One Hunt. You could be all Katharine Hepburn in The African Queen, minus the boat and leeches and filth.

Ohh, there could be some fabulous outfits. And I love the idea of big glam sunglasses.

But off of the frivolous topic of outfits and back to the meat of the One Hunt. The more data-oriented among us might easily be able to design a survey. You could approach The One Hunt in a rather scientific fashion.

You know, now that I'm thinking about it, I might just work on survey questions for fun.

It would be better than online dating, in that you're coming up with all your own "this is what I need in my One" questions. Plus you'd only administer it to people you already found attractive in person, so you'd already know if you liked their smile or their mannerisms or if they had hygiene issues or wore terrible shoes or were rude to those around them.

For example.

Except for the fact that people might think you were batshit crazy if, shortly after meeting them, you handed them a questionnaire, it could be an expedient way to approach the finding of True Love: One of My 26.

You could say, "I'm just trying to save us both time and anguish." Or something of the sort.

Don't you think?


  1. I too quite enjoy big glam sunglasses, so when you go on this adventure, please let me know so I can come along, haha.

    "So I suppose that if one of yours lives in Mogadishu and you don't have a passport, well, you're down to 25. Which would be a good argument for getting out into the world."- Perfect sentence. Love this.

  2. One might think, if one's One was truly one of the Ones, that One would find such a questionnaire charming.

    If one were the sort to administer a questionnaire to prospective Ones, anyway.

    Sort of a self-selection process. Fill out the questionnaire, and one's in good shape already, no?

  3. I think I gave up the concept of "The One"long ago. I'll stick with this
    Nice post.

  4. I don't even remember how I came across your blog but I've been reading it for a few weeks and I love, love, love it! :-)

  5. haha.

    we were supposed to go on safari months go to look for warthogs in mudhuts.

    Now, I guess we REALLY have to go. Because you know that Mr. Mogadishu is the best of the 26.

  6. Supposing that you do follow this to its unplausible end, and a survey of sorts does, in fact, come into existence, would you post it here? Let the male readers, or female, if they are so inlcined, have a go at it.

    In the name of fun, of course.

  7. Lisa - I know exactly what you're talking about. The number 26 is okay, I guess. I prefer something a little less defined. I subscribe to the notion that there is "The One" for now.

    It's a concept that's worked for me for many, many years.

  8. nicoleantoinette - Absolutely you can come along. We should turn this into a grand expedition. And thank you!

    Dag - I think you're absolutely right. The Right One of Ones will find it charming.

    Sean - Yum! That place looks delicious!

    DSP - Thank you! That's so nice!

    SD - You're right! I got sidetracked. Yes, must hunt down Mr. Mogadishu! Ha!

    TSS - If I make a survey I will definitely post it! And people are welcome to give suggestions!

    DCup - I think The One For Now is a reasonable approach, actually.

  9. I'll sign up for "The One For Now" theory, because any attempt for my own definition would only mirror it's essence.

    Oh, and I know the questionnaire fits in the schema of the post, but it seems an awful similar to the vaunted "checklist" that gets single women in tricky spots.

  10. TBB - It's a checklist of sorts, but not of the how much money does he make and where did he go to school variety. More like, does he think the same things are funny as you do? Is he nice to his grandmother? Does he like dogs? I think I will have to spend some time working on this survey, I really do.

  11. Don't forget the question about how he might react if a woman were to, say, I don't know, plop a dab of butter on his nose. Hypothetically speaking, of course...

  12. Oh, a survey would be perfect. Can it start with an IQ test? And then a sort of ethics- quiz-like-thing (would you steal from your employer, read someone else's email etc.). And number three on my long long list of questions and tasks would be to let him enter the kitchen, get himself a drink and come back. Then I'd go in to see if he closed the cabinet again. Hey, we all have our litmus tests, don't we? I have open cabinet issues...

  13. I wrote 10 different comments and erased 'em all.

    Anyway. Hi.

  14. Lisa, this is really some funny shit. But let me get off the frivolous subject of compliments and ask:

    How would you grade such a test? What score would qualify some man (or woman) as The One? Conceivably, could someone who fails, take the test again?

    Okay, the questions were frivolous, too. What did you expect early on a Sunday morning?

  15. The part that resonates most with me is the part about "when it's The One, you just *know*..."

    I HATE when people say that to me, because, like you, there have been times when I "just knew".

    When people say that, it kinda reminds me of when someone loses something, finds it, and then says "And it was in the last place I looked!" :)

  16. WiB - Ohhhh, right - thanks for the reminder. Upon reflection, though, I don't think that's a question you can ask someone. I think that there should be an interactive section, and you just see how they react.

    Susan - I think absolutely. Everyone's test is going to be their own. Great idea, though - there should definitely be a "what bugs you" section of the test.

    Rich - Heh heh. Hi!

    Spartacus - Oh, thank you! I love compliments. Hmm. Those are good questions. I wasn't thinking about scoring. I suppose if pressed I'd say it was more pass-fail. I think they could take the test again if they were borderline. Or if you found them really hot or something.

    Aileen - Ha! Yes! It's alway so irritating to hear that!


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