Friday, December 07, 2007

I knew who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then

Today I feel very Alice.

I didn't write yesterday, which is unusual for me. The fact is that at the moment I don't know what I'm doing here.

This is the first time that I've really sat down and wondered. Because it's been all, ooh, the funniest thing happened, and I want to write it down! Or I'm fret fret fretting and I want to get it out. Or I just want a place to force myself to structure and improve the writing as warm up for writing a book.

But the fact is that I'm not writing elsewhere lately, except in my job. And I'm questioning what I'm doing with all these very personal details out in cyberspace - something I've not questioned before.

Some people start blogs to keep their friends updated. But really, most of my friends who read LG didn't know about it till months and months after I began. And it's not like I'm on a round-the-world journey. Nobody actually needs to be kept abreast of any breaking news. What am I doing here? What do I want from this?

I don't know anymore.

Except for random bits here and there, LG is always intensely personal. It's like my friend Maude, who is a painter, will often paint pictures of her own body parts. Not always flattering - sometimes a view of her tummy with creases, for example. But she says she always has access to her own self. Still life can get boring. People are what interest her. And she's right there, even when nobody else is.

And I suppose that's the case with me. People are what interest me, and I know my own self best. I'm what I'm trying to sort out, and LG has been a really, really good place for it.

But right now, today, I'm not sure what I'm doing here.

26 comments:

  1. This is selfish: what you're doing here is giving my some very hilarious, very insightful, and very honest things to read everyday.

    So.. thank you!

    and ps- I love Alice in Wonderland. I just reread it recently and as an adult? it had a totally different meaning.

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  2. I feel you on this. Sometimes it's a bit overwhelming to know that you put so much of yourself out there for anyone to see. But, in turn, you've provided hours of entertainment for others and, I'm assuming, created an outlet for your creativity and emotions.

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  3. HKW - You are always so sweet. Thank you :)

    nicoleantoinette - So nice! Thank you!


    mm - Thanks for the reminder that it's a good outlet for your creativity and emotions. That it definitely is.

    SD - I heart you, too! I'm not sure what I'm doing.

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  4. Oh Miss Lisa, I'm glad you're here too.

    If I had to be sure what I was doing I'd never get anything done. Not that you're saying you have to be sure. Oh geez, I don't know what I'm saying here. Just please don't disappear! Not for very long anyway -- maybe a short disappearance would help. I'd think blogging every day would be quite a drain (I've certainly never managed it).

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  5. You are entertaining us!!

    Reading allows us to glimpse a little of the DC womans struggles and celebrations. We live conjecturally through you.


    Well maybe not so much, but it sounded good huh? I actually rather enjoy reading this particular blog as it shows a little of the feminim perspective, although at the breakneck speed of an "in" girl.

    I can deal with that part of it. So please continue, we promise to always laugh with you and not at you.

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  6. I have enjoyed your posts their evocativeness. Thanks

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  7. But, but... this is the only way I get to be friends with people who are otherwise totally lifestyle and location incompatible with me!

    Hell, hen you don't feel like writing, don't. Then, eventually you probably will.

    You're pretty fucking delightful to read, so I certainly hope you don't stop writing. But that's just me being selfish.

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  8. By "hen you don't feel writing," I am actually talking about chickens. That was not a typo.

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  9. Yes! Like Rich|Championable said! You are completely fucking delightful to read.

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  10. hi. thanks for sharing that you are asking questions. i want to share with you that i found enormous comfort in reading your posts about your dad. until i read your blog, i'd devoured everything out there on suicide, and still felt alone. your posts really helped me. maybe because i can relate to your voice, what you said -- that your dad lived but wasn't happy to be found, that he can be difficult, that he can be mean at times -- which was exactly my sad experience when i found my sister -- i felt less alone after reading your blog. sometimes, i feel so sad that i feel eaten alive from inside, but who can see past the cheery exterior? so, in case you decide to stop writing, i just want you to know that what you've written already had a by-product of comforting me. thanks.

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  11. None of us know what we're doing, we're lucky if we know why we're doing it.

    But I can tell you this....I've been reading you for a year now. And I've hung on every word. You're that good.

    Sometimes it's simply the act of writing, the creation of puting words together to tell the story of the wild ride that is your life. That's what you're doing. Creating. Kinda like your textiles, only in words.

    It's beautiful, Lisa. And funny and poignant and slapstick and silly and OMG embarassing and heart-tugging and so very worth every word.

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  12. I found your blog by accident when I was trolling through some of the comments left on the Improv Everywhere site...

    I don't normally read blogs, but your is in my 'open tab at startup' list now - when I log in every morning at work, I have a coffee and a Lemon Gloria. Gets the day off to a flying start!

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  13. A.S. - For both comments - even though I don't know you, I totally adore you.

    Kerry - Thank you! I appreciate so much the laughing with and not at, although I'm sure sometimes that's not actually possible.

    Sean - Thank you!

    Rich - I heart you and your hen house.

    Anon - Thank you for sharing this with me. The alone of it can be so very hard, and I'm touched that I've helped with it, I really am.

    Ah, Lis, I appreciate your words and sentiment so very much. I hope you realize how much.

    GaryQ - That makes me so happy. It really does.

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