The Romance Reduction Plan - three easy steps

You may, at some point in your life, find yourself with too much time and romance on your hands.

Maybe you're on your honeymoon. Maybe you're on a holiday. Something of the sort.

Bear in mind that the ternary Romance Reduction Plan (RRP) I'm offering would be practically impossible to orchestrate in advance. I can't imagine how. So in case of too much romance, you will probably have to be creative. But I offer these as suggestions or guidelines.

Because maybe at first your vacation is perfect. It's all hand holding and sightseeing and fun. The weather is perfect, travel is great, you're getting along amazingly. This goes along for an idyllic week.

Say, however, you're one of these people who gets tired of too much sweetness and romance. Enough, at some point, is enough. What do you do?

I am here to tell you that bringing it to a screeching halt? Easy. Very easy.

Step one: Contract violent diarrhea. Accompany it with a fever and chills, if you like.

I am pretty sure that when Nick proposed he never, ever imagined that one day the petite blonde he fell in love with would be capable of the kind of putrescence he now realizes I can produce. And it wasn't just the paint-peelingly malodorous kind of diarrhea, but the kind that sings with a sound that reaches under doors and through walls to make sure it is heard by your companion and at least three passing birds.

In other words: the humiliatingly hellacious kind.

And not once. But all. Day. Long. For two days. Well, three, but the third day was a lot better.

The improvement on the third day was lucky for two reasons. One, that was the only day we could go to Ephesus, and I wasn't about it miss it, even if I had to dehydrate the shit out of myself (no pun intended) and crawl on my hands and knees to see it. And two, it improved just in time for step two of the RRP.

Step two: Begin menstruating.

This needs no explanation. Could you feel less sexy ever than with the diarrhea and your period?

I think not.

Step three, which is superfluous, but never hurts, when the goal is Reduced Romance: Contract a cold.

You should try to do this just as the diarrhea is pretty much under control and period is in full swing. This little trick will ensure that at no time are fewer than two of your orifices incredibly busy. It's enough, I assure you. Plus, all three together would be too much of a test for the strongest among us.

Other than that, it's all been a Turkish delight - really and truly spectacular.

Although on a side bar, Turkish Delight, while a gorgeous name, is a sweet I truly dislike. If I were naming it, I'd call it Turkish Dread. But that's probably an example of poor marketing.

So anyway.

We fly tomorrow, laden with carpets, evil eye amulets, bags full of filthy clothing, about 87 gajillion digital photos, and incredible memories. Getting sick sucked ass, but as for the rest of it, I couldn't have asked for a better holiday.