Friday, October 10, 2008

The Romance Reduction Plan - three easy steps

You may, at some point in your life, find yourself with too much time and romance on your hands.

Maybe you're on your honeymoon. Maybe you're on a holiday. Something of the sort.

Bear in mind that the ternary Romance Reduction Plan (RRP) I'm offering would be practically impossible to orchestrate in advance. I can't imagine how. So in case of too much romance, you will probably have to be creative. But I offer these as suggestions or guidelines.

Because maybe at first your vacation is perfect. It's all hand holding and sightseeing and fun. The weather is perfect, travel is great, you're getting along amazingly. This goes along for an idyllic week.

Say, however, you're one of these people who gets tired of too much sweetness and romance. Enough, at some point, is enough. What do you do?

I am here to tell you that bringing it to a screeching halt? Easy. Very easy.

Step one: Contract violent diarrhea. Accompany it with a fever and chills, if you like.

I am pretty sure that when Nick proposed he never, ever imagined that one day the petite blonde he fell in love with would be capable of the kind of putrescence he now realizes I can produce. And it wasn't just the paint-peelingly malodorous kind of diarrhea, but the kind that sings with a sound that reaches under doors and through walls to make sure it is heard by your companion and at least three passing birds.

In other words: the humiliatingly hellacious kind.

And not once. But all. Day. Long. For two days. Well, three, but the third day was a lot better.

The improvement on the third day was lucky for two reasons. One, that was the only day we could go to Ephesus, and I wasn't about it miss it, even if I had to dehydrate the shit out of myself (no pun intended) and crawl on my hands and knees to see it. And two, it improved just in time for step two of the RRP.

Step two: Begin menstruating.

This needs no explanation. Could you feel less sexy ever than with the diarrhea and your period?

I think not.

Step three, which is superfluous, but never hurts, when the goal is Reduced Romance: Contract a cold.

You should try to do this just as the diarrhea is pretty much under control and period is in full swing. This little trick will ensure that at no time are fewer than two of your orifices incredibly busy. It's enough, I assure you. Plus, all three together would be too much of a test for the strongest among us.

Other than that, it's all been a Turkish delight - really and truly spectacular.

Although on a side bar, Turkish Delight, while a gorgeous name, is a sweet I truly dislike. If I were naming it, I'd call it Turkish Dread. But that's probably an example of poor marketing.

So anyway.

We fly tomorrow, laden with carpets, evil eye amulets, bags full of filthy clothing, about 87 gajillion digital photos, and incredible memories. Getting sick sucked ass, but as for the rest of it, I couldn't have asked for a better holiday.


  1. I am truly sorry that you've been ill and uncomfortable. Though, I suspect you were Well Cared For, and that makes me happy.

    So, these amulets - do they PROTECT from the evil eye, or GIVE it? 'cause I might be innerested in taking one off yer hands for a certain amount of $$, depending. ;o)

    Safe travels, sweet. Can't wait to hear all about it!

  2. Are you sure that "Ephesus" wasn't Efeces?

  3. why is it that fantastic trips like this always get ruined by the body collapsing?? seriously! this happened to me last year in T&C, i spent the entire time curled up in a ball on the couch, on the bathroom floor, wherever. i spent the rest of the time curled up in pain on the can.

    sorry to hear you got stuck with all of this crap (no pun) but i guess it's better that it happened once you were married, he can't back out now : )

  4. I'm sorry you had to work on a RRP, but you're not alone! I too, created my very own RRP during our honeymoon. Mine involved daylong puking on the beach, begging for death, a trip to ER and emergency surgery for a ruptured cyst that had caused all of the above. Best part? Everyone in the hospital hugged my husband and asked if he was ok seeing how he missed out on his honeymoon.

    Safe travels home.

  5. I know what you mean.

    In Costa Rica, both The Princess and I knocked down that metaphorical wall of shame that we had used to separate one another from ever having to experience THAT.

  6. Wow. When you do it you really do it right! Glad you're feeling better.

    My husband swears that no matter when we schedule a vacation, I have my period. Bizarrely, he's not wrong. Ah, good times.

  7. Oh no! So sorry you were sick, really glad you're better now and had an amazing time traveling and being newlyweds. Really sorry for those birds passing by at inopportune time.

    A friend of mine came down with Black Tongue disease on her honeymoon (water on salad in Mexico) and had to return home she was so ill. Black tongue, really sexy!

  8. Poor thing! Oh well, maybe someday you'll look back and laugh, but maybe not.

  9. That would have never happened in Hawaii!

    Seriously, though, I'm sorry. But it does bring new meaning to the whole better/worse/sickness/health thing.

    And can't wait to see what you got me!

  10. Jessica - They protect - bounces off or something. If we have time to get more tomorrow, I'll get you one.


    notsojenny - Oh, sorry to hear that about your trip! Truly dreadful. It's always such a waste to go somewhere great and spend the time in such a state.

    girl with curious hair - That is incredibly awful. You have me beat by a mile. Sorry to hear that.

    Arjewtino - Somehow, that makes me feel better. It really does make you closer in a weird way, doesn't it? Barriers you never wanted to cross.

    lacochran's evil twin - I am always astounded at the timing. It's always so inconvenient on vacation. Especially when you're in a Turkish pharmacy, hoping you don't have to pantomime "tampon" to buy some.

    HKW - Yah, it's been really, really good, except for the sick and the horrified birds. OK, so when I get home, I MUST research this Black Tongue disease! Aaaagh! The Hell?

    J - I think probably yes. There were moments too horrendous not to.

    FreckledK - I have asked myself a few times if we should've just gone for the beach vacay. I think this was awesome, though, despite the icky bits.

  11. I think it's the best test you could have ever concocted to test his love and to ensure that you will both look back at this and laugh! So sorry you got sick. I'm so happy to see you laughing about it already!

  12. Ugh. Poor boo. Glad most of it was fun though!

  13. It's all easy from here on! I'm glad you're better and that your honeymoon was fun!

  14. I agree on the Turkish Delight. Ick. Almost as bad as violent diarrhea?

    Glad you're feeling better honey!

  15. I'm so sorry you were sick on your honeymoon! That sucks.

    My hubby and I were in Utah one winter (we were supposed to go skiing) and we BOTH ended up with the flu. His was going one way, mine was going the other. So, another RRP. Have to SHARE a toilet with your spouse!

    Welcome home!

  16. I cannot even begin to tell you how hard or loud I just laughed during your post.

    I'm so sorry that you had the Reduced Romance Trifecta.

    Here's hoping that all the rest of your days together are much more sexy (and a little less smelly).

  17. by far one of your funniest posts. thanks for sharing. i'm sorry you had to endure that on your honeymoon...but at least it makes for a really funny story!


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