Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Venn Diagrams, hope, stress, and more hope

If my life were a yellow circle on a Venn Diagram, and what I'm about to write about were a blue circle, there would currently be entire overlap. Which is then maybe no longer a Venn Diagram? Maybe it's just a big green circle?

Anyway, it's like the TV constantly playing in the background while everything else is going on.

A couple years ago a friend said that it really annoys him when people say they're trying to get pregnant.

"Trying? What's with the trying? Why do people say this? Why don't they just say 'we're having sex all the time!'?!"

I agreed.

"And anyway," he added, "why tell me you're trying to get pregnant?"

Again, I agreed. Why tell me? Especially because I was single. Who wants to hear about other people having sex all the time?

And now I know. While I'm not running around all "We're trying!" wink wink!, I realize now it's not about sharing the trying. It's about sharing the hoping.

The trying is not what consumes your time and energy. It's the hoping. This hoping now takes up every minute of every day.

To be frank with you, though I'm posting this in cyberspace, I'm not saying anything in my office when people ask. And as soon as we came back from our honeymoon, people - even office people I'm not close to - started asking. Point blank.

There has been a lot of asking.

And I'm not saying anything. Because it's one thing to blog about this, and quite another to have people you see day-to-day wondering about your particulars. You know?

Because sure, I'm hoping. We're hoping. We're all hoping - Nick and I, my parents, my close friends, Maude's parents, probably other friends of my parents. We're a big hope factory. Hope! Hope that one of these days soon Lisa gets knocked up!

Which seems a weird thing to have a group hope about. But who would ever turn away offered hope?

Actually, Betty hates when I put it that way. Like "sucks ass" she hates "knocked up." But she's hoping for the same outcome, with different wording.

And at the same time, I'm wondering. I'm fretting. It stresses me out.

I spent my fertile 20s being very responsible and making every attempt not to get pregnant. Same with most of my 30s. And here I am, 39, with no idea if I actually can.

I find it very very stressful.


  1. /throws some more hope on the pile. Specifically, "knocked up" hope. (sorry, Betty :o) )

    And, you know where to find me, anytime.


  2. I am jumping on board the group hope!

  3. Thanks, Jessica, and thanks Nicole! I love you both sooo much!

  4. Crossing my fingers for you and Nick!

  5. May I add my "hope" to the pile?

  6. i know i haven't been reading that long but seriously? 39? i never would have guessed! you're an AMAZING 39. go you!

    and you have my Hope : )
    best of luck

    to me the only annoying thing about telling people all of the sex you're having would be them then asking in return, all the time. i imagine if it doesn't take right away it would get annoying when you're already bummed about it to have people constantly asking "So? Preggers yet?!"

  7. Hillary - Thank you!

    nuttycow - I totally appreciate your hope on the pile!

    notsojenny - Yah, 39! People never think I'm that old - but I'm that old. Thanks for the hope. :) Yes, the last thing I want is to be asked constantly. Especially since people have been asking without any suggestion on my part.

  8. My first thought was "Woah, you're 39? Gosh you look awesome!"

    Said that, have fun "trying"! After you do get knocked up (and you will!! *send hope your way*), you won't have much time for all this trying part!

  9. We talked about this when we had dinner, and so I've been wondering if you guys had started trying/hoping/making lots of sweet baby-making love pre-wedding.

    All I can say is that even if the hoping is so stressful, perhaps the trying releases the stress? Because after all, the having sex all the time part has to be good for your mood.

  10. Beach Bum - You just made me giggle. Thanks! :)

    Slightly Disorganized - Not before the wedding, because the waist of the dress was so tight! I'm not saying this isn't a good time - more, like, I wish I could be sure about the outcome...

  11. Some people are so nosy! I can see why you wouldn't want to talk about this with your co-workers.

  12. I am 9 weeks pregnant and my husband and I decided to wait until the timing was perfect. Thinking I was young and fertile (26)it would happen the first time. It didnt. I took 7 months which isnt a long time. But the month we conceived we didnt use a calendar, ovulation kit or time sex. We just did it when we felt like it. So just relax and enjoy the trying. It will happen when the time is right.

  13. yay! count me in on the hope bus!!!

  14. I'm constantly trying to not get pregnant. It's a struggle.

    If there is anything good and decent in this world, you'll be knocked up before you know it. And I envy the kid who gets to have you and Gold Jacket Guy as parents. That child will be blessed indeed.

  15. Oooooh, I love the hoping part! It's like waiting for Christmas once a month.

  16. I'm sitting with my puffy ankles, itchy skin, sore boobs and 3 days left (or less!) adding my hope to everyone else's.
    It was so weird to go from trying not to, to trying to -periods became VERY confusing:) Even before we started trying we had years of people asking if we were trying (almost 2) and then when we started it was so nerve wracking but at the same time scary.
    It's still scary! And exciting!
    I'm 34 and I can't believe I'm old enough to be a parent!
    So 39 sounds about right!

  17. If it helps, my sister (who has 3 kids, and the last two, which were back to back, were when she was your age, after an "ooops" then "well if you're doing it all over again, might as well try for a girl") always says:
    "Why are people in such a hurry to have kids? When you have them, it is for life, the only time you have limited is your child-free years"

    So keep that in mind. Instead of being stressed that you are not yet pregnant just think that one more day that you're not pregnant just means one extra day of alone time with you and Nick :) The alone time won't be forever, but kids are.

  18. Oh, oh, oh, yes. The experience of trying to get knocked up in your 30s really makes the "never had a big scare in your 20s" seem like a failure instead of an achievement.

    It's amazing how much the hope takes over your life, colors everything. Keep taking deep breaths, try not to panic too much or keep too close a track of things (which is impossible, but try), and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you as well.

  19. Zandria - I know it is well-intentioned. People were so excited for me getting married. But still, I don't want it to be kitchen conversation while microwaving leftovers for lunch.

    Anonymous - I have had a couple people tell me this. They charted and were all scientific, and then the month they stopped being all precise, it happened.

    MrsMac - You are firmly on the hope bus!

    FreckledK - I hope so, lovey. Thank you! :)

    Susan - I love that as a way to think about it. Christmas once a month!

    Mary - 3 days or less!!!! Super exciting! I know - I think in terms of me being me, 39 is the best age. I wouldn't have been as good a parent earlier.

    Beach Bum - I am really glad to hear that about your sister. If I knew it wouldn't be a problem, I'd wait a lot longer. I'd like more time just with Nick.

    Pronoia - Exactly! Like, if you'd ever been pregnant, you at least have the knowledge that you are capable! Thanks for your finger crossing!

  20. Back in my "hoping" days (and you're right - that describes that time of life EXACTLY), the best advice I got was from a doctor I was working for at the time. My first pregnancy was in one of my fallopian tubes - bad news for everyone involved. It ruptured and left me with only one tube, which made me more neurotic than usual. I remember bemoaning my fate to this doctor, and wondering aloud if my age (early 30s) was going to be a problem too, and he said the most brilliant thing - he said: "Your body doesn't know how old you are." Lisa - the same holds true for you! And I'm sure that your body is as young as your heart and mind are. Good luck!

  21. I also felt weird telling people we were "trying," so I didn't really tell anyone but my closest friends and family. But I was very lucky -- got pregnant immediately both times (first was a miscarriage but a very common chromosomal abnormality that had nothing to do with my ability to procreate, and the second was Zeke), at the ripe old age of 37. We used ovulation sticks, and it worked like a charm.

    I'll be sending you fertility vibes...xoxo

  22. I don't know you, but you seem like a pretty healthy person- so maybe you're real age is 29! (Also, what? you're 39? Would never have guessed. Not that you seem immature. You just look young..foot in mouth.) Anyway, just like when you met Nick, it will happen when you're not, well, trying, and when the time is right.

  23. *also please excuse the you're/your grammar above, oops

  24. I've just sent you big batches of fertility vibes. I'm done with mine and am happy to share.

    (P.S. Cupcake says ewwwww, but she hopes you get pregnant soon, too.)

  25. Hope hope hopehopehope!

    I am right there with you (right now actually) with the stress of hoping and hoping and hoping again. Someone said it's like waiting for Christmas every month, and it is, but then when Christmas doesn't come: ouch.

    I hope for you Lisa! Thank you for sharing this with us. (Big hugs)

  26. Even though I am not married or currently hoping for a baby, I can understand that stress. I like to believe that people mean well when they ask such intrusive questions, but it really is almost too much. Since when does getting married = a one-way ticket into people asking about your sex life??

    Anyway, rant over. I hope you can find a way to feel less stressed over the situation. It really is a beautiful moment in your life and you should enjoy it as privately, or as loudly, as you and Nick choose. =-)

  27. LJ - I love hearing that. Especially with the knowledge that you created a happy, healthy family.

    Wendy - As I wrote to you, this makes me feel so much better. And I appreciate the vibes. I know I've said this a million times, but I'm so excited to see you at Thanksgiving!!!

    Brett - I appreciate that. I am pretty healthy overall, and 29 would be OK with me. :) And I am sure I make grammatical errors in comments all the time. You're typign fast, and then you click the button, and the comment is out there...

    A.S. - Yes! Like, there's this opportunity every month...but it's only once a month! And you can't do anything about that! Argh! Hope and hugs to you!:)

    DCup - I appreciate it! I love both you and Cupcake! Hugs hugs hugs!

    Ryane - It is definitely weird to leap there, I think. And it feels sort of like hypocracy (sp?), being so open about my life here, but being closed about it at work, when clearly this is a much more public forum. It just feels different.

  28. Hope to you Lisa!!

    In case you need a little laughter in the midst of serious stuff, check out this new hilarious blog I found.

  29. Exciting. :-)

    *hope* *hope* *hope*

  30. Canaan - Thanks! Feeling much less serious today, but totally appreciate both the hope and hte new funny blog!

    VVK - Hugs to you, my friend!

  31. Best of luck- I KNOW everything will turn out perfectly for you!

  32. Let me just add my hopes to the pile!

  33. Ah, gad, I know EXACTLY how you feel! We've been trying 9 months now and I'm starting to get really irritated with people raising their eyebrows and whispering every time I say no to an alcoholic drink (which is obviously a big deal!). And because I'm a heart-on-my-sleeve kinda gal most people close to me know we're trying. Or yes, as you say, hoping

    And I KNOW I have to forget that we're trying and just enjoy the sex (heh heh!) but..ah, know!

    So best of luck...

  34. LiLu - I appreciate that, I really do. I hope so!

    mysterygirl! - Thank you very much!

    Mirana - Ahhh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's really hard, and then other people making it obvious doesn't help. I've gotten several emails about ovulation predictor sticks (I accidentally first wrote fertility sticks, and then got an hilarious image and cracked myself up) and how they worked really well. Best of luck to you, as well!

  35. Hoping right along with you!!! Enjoy the trying, wink wink, nudge, nudge!


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