If my life were a yellow circle on a Venn Diagram, and what I'm about to write about were a blue circle, there would currently be entire overlap. Which is then maybe no longer a Venn Diagram? Maybe it's just a big green circle?
Anyway, it's like the TV constantly playing in the background while everything else is going on.
A couple years ago a friend said that it really annoys him when people say they're trying to get pregnant.
"Trying? What's with the trying? Why do people say this? Why don't they just say 'we're having sex all the time!'?!"
"And anyway," he added, "why tell me you're trying to get pregnant?"
Again, I agreed. Why tell me? Especially because I was single. Who wants to hear about other people having sex all the time?
And now I know. While I'm not running around all "We're trying!" wink wink!, I realize now it's not about sharing the trying. It's about sharing the hoping.
The trying is not what consumes your time and energy. It's the hoping. This hoping now takes up every minute of every day.
To be frank with you, though I'm posting this in cyberspace, I'm not saying anything in my office when people ask. And as soon as we came back from our honeymoon, people - even office people I'm not close to - started asking. Point blank.
There has been a lot of asking.
And I'm not saying anything. Because it's one thing to blog about this, and quite another to have people you see day-to-day wondering about your particulars. You know?
Because sure, I'm hoping. We're hoping. We're all hoping - Nick and I, my parents, my close friends, Maude's parents, probably other friends of my parents. We're a big hope factory. Hope! Hope that one of these days soon Lisa gets knocked up!
Which seems a weird thing to have a group hope about. But who would ever turn away offered hope?
Actually, Betty hates when I put it that way. Like "sucks ass" she hates "knocked up." But she's hoping for the same outcome, with different wording.
And at the same time, I'm wondering. I'm fretting. It stresses me out.
I spent my fertile 20s being very responsible and making every attempt not to get pregnant. Same with most of my 30s. And here I am, 39, with no idea if I actually can.
I find it very very stressful.