Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I am just about over Edward Cullen

Even if he does sparkle like a million rainbows in the sunshine, which I kind of love.

As you know, I was thoroughly and deeply invested in the teenage vampire angst. I loved Edward and his repeatedly-adjectivized alabaster skin and topaz eyes. I loved how in love he and Bella were.

I mean, they still are. I just finished book three.

But the truth is, somewhere in the third book, I found myself rooting for Jacob. I got all, oh, Edward is just so fucking complicated.

I'm sick of his eternal internal struggle. I'm tired of his preoccupation with saving Bella's soul. I'm all kinds of weary of his insistence on marrying her right out of high school before he's willing to vampire her. And his struggle against the sex.

Whereas Jacob I find so refreshing. He's all sunshiney and positive and sweet and loving. And, and! He's 108 degrees! How deliciously warm would that be?

I haven't seen the movie, and so the characters in my head are still as I visualize them. And I now realize I'm imposing my own dating experience on the characters in these books, and that kind of mortifies me. But I cannot seem to figure out how not to.

Jacob, in my mind, he is this guy I briefly dated a couple years ago. Latino, whereas Jacob is Native American, but enormous, muscular, brown, and gorgeous. Super smart, and a really nice person. And man, hot. Just hot.

A sucky person for me to date, which I could blame on his ex-wife, or his unstable childhood. Both of which, of course, I would've thrown myself into making up for, because this was before I came to the realization that that strategy is pure stupid.

But I'm pretty sure that for his ex-wife, he was adoring and devoted and worshipful, in the same way Jacob is with Bella. He loved her so much. And his ex-wife, she made it very clear that she was settling when she married him, and eventually she cheated on him and divorced him.

So by the time we met, he was thoroughly untrusting (non-trusting? trustless?), and was doing a lot of playing and a lot of not-committing. Which just didn't work for me. But I still think he's a good person.

Come to think of it, he'd make an excellent werewolf, I'm quite sure.

Edward, on the other hand, Edward is all the enormously complicated, control freak, uptight men I have ever dated, but one in particular, rolled into one. I understand the magnetic pull. I get the visceral reaction and the body sparkles. I know the breathless red-hots can't-live-without feeling.

But still, I've begun to find him exhausting and slightly tedious.

I want to be like, "Oh, Bella, you'll grow up and you'll tire of this. I know it feels all urgent now, but you're 18, ferchrissakes. And, even if you don't get sick of him, you should at least sleep with Jacob once - at least once! - before you commit yourself forever and ever to this one man and a life of eternal vampiredom."

So clearly, I am still way too invested.


  1. yes, Edward is quite the Emo poster boy.

    Although, strangely, I never really root for Jacob. Even though I know he's a nice guy and all.

  2. Geezo-pete, now i feel compelled to read the books too. Because really, who would pass up a hot Native American main character? Maybe I'll slink into Barnes and Noble after dark, and hope no one sees me buying teen books. :-)

    Ick though...your description of Edward as complicated, control freak and uptight makes me picture Tom Cruise. In a bad way.

  3. I felt exactly the same way. Which isn't surprising, I'm sure. The Jacobs of the world are so much easier to like, aren't they?

    I'm starting to suspect that adulthood means, at least in part, not having to do everything the hardest way possible all the time. At least we can choose to grow up, even if Bella is deaf to our advice.

  4. Slightly Disorganized - That's a fabulous way to put it. And as for Jacob, I can see that. It's probably more my specific image of him.

    Susan - They are guilty pleasure in the way that you can't believe you've eaten an entire jar of frosting but you know you'd do it again.

    Dagny - It took me quite a while to get to that point, I think, and now the Jacobs appeal so much more. I think you are right, it's adulthood, and we no longer have to pick the hardest path every effing time.

  5. Yes... again, you fail to appreciate that Edward exhibits these characteristics because he's never had to fill out the paperwork to waive into the DC Bar. Jacob, on the other hand, probably just exudes, "take the damn Virginia Bar already and eff the reciprocity process."

  6. I started hating both Jacob and Edward in books 3. They both get so controlling! I could practically see "abuser" stamped on their foreheads.

    I do lust after Jacob's body heat, though. Wouldn't he be lovely to curl up with on a snowy night? Yowza!

    I fall for Jasper's tortured Sourthern gentleman shtick every time, though.

  7. I'm rooting for that Mike guy...unless he turns out to be the Loch Ness Monster, that is.

    If you want a date for the movie, I'll volunteer myself. Haven't seen it either.

  8. I am 100% on Team Jacob. And I've already finished the series. I got over Edward in book 2. Ugh.

    And I'm with you. The (literal) hotness? Much better than stone-cold vampire.

  9. I'm still caught up in the sparkly skin....but I'm only on book one.

  10. I never, ever considered Team Jacob. I'm a Team Edward girl all the way. I think it was because I hated the lack of Edward in book two. I needed MORE!

  11. Interesting, considering I haven't read any of the books and only know what I've heard. From what you're saying, it sounds like the Mormon in the author plays a pretty strong role in her books, all of that repressed/forbidden sexuality bubbling.
    I'm not sure I'd enjoy the books so much because I'd get caught up in psychoanalyzing the writer.

  12. Also, not to be all fetishist and weird, but considering that he's all marble hard and super strong, wouldn't Edward's super strong penis be detrimental to Bella's insides?

    Just saying. Maybe Jacob's normal, super warm junk is the better way to go.

  13. I am only on book two myself but I am sooo with you on this!!! Which makes me think I might not make it to book three . . .

  14. "...considering that he's all marble hard and super strong..."

    Okay. Now I'm back to rooting for Edward. He's beginning to sound like quite the good time. Raor.

  15. Anonymous - You're over my head. I get that VA is the hardest one and that you take that and waive in to DC. But do you mean Edward has always had it easy?

    saratogajean - Jasper, now Jasper I hadn't given any thought to.

    FreckledK - I am confident he will remain awesome. We'll see.

    And I am avoiding the film. I like the version in my head, and I've heard repeatedly how dumb it is.

    ems - The literal hotness is so very appealing. Especially in January.

    Jules - I so love the idea of the sparkles.

    mrsmac - I am firmly Team Jacob. I longed for Edward in book two, but not anymore.

    J - I decided to deliberately wait on reading about her till I finish the series. I am sure her world view is completely antithetical to mine.

    Slightly Disorganized - FYI - My friend Jenny went back and read the first post I wrote about this and was laughing so hard about your comments on the adjectives and the "marble loins." Awesome.

    And I think you are entirely right about this. With my low tolerance for cold, Edward sounds pretty painful to me.

    Paula - I really quite enjoyed book three, and I have every intention of reading the next one. For me it really is just like having to finish the entire jar of frosting.

    FreckledK - I dunno. Cold, very very icy cold. No warm cuddles. No warm anything.

  16. it'd be like a popsicle inside you.

    think of that, freckled!

  17. Came across you from f*ckedupchick...

    And I was right there with you, I was completely Team Jacob, and then I screwed up and saw the stupid movie.

    In my head, I had Jacob all designed a certain way. In the movie...not so much.

    I'm for the 108 degree muscle man ;)

  18. Stumbled over here from Arjewtino and I'm glad I did because we need to agree that: Edward is a whiny freak.

    I mean, I love him. I remain devoted. But he is a crazy person. For real.

    Anyways, sweet blog!

  19. oK, I have never read these books, or seen the movie, but I gotta be honest. The dude? The actor that plays the vampire?? Creeps.Me.Out. I think that kid is so totally not hot, it makes me wonder if I will like the movie? (Which, I do want to see, so LemonG or FreckledK, count me in if you go!) I promise not to mock him too much. I think.

  20. Book 4 is better.... can't put it down better. I finished it last night. It was satisfying and also decidedly not satisfying.

  21. I am loving these comments over here Lisa!

    Stacy- I found the worst part of book four to be the last page: "the end"

    What???? There has to be more!

  22. The word DEMENTOR comes to mind.

  23. So, you broke down and bought the hardback at Target, eh?

    I wish I wouldn't have seen the movie - the guy who plays Jacob also played "Sharkboy" in some random kid movie I've been subjected to several times....

    And the movie Edward just didn't do it for me either - he's apparently been in some Harry Potter movies - again, another testament to how old I am.

    In my head, I had Johhny Depp or Orlando Bloom as Jacob and someone like Joaquin Phoenix or Ralph Fiennes as Edward. I know, I know - ancient!

    If I hadn't seen the movie, I'd totally be on the fence tho - I see the benefits of both!

    xoxo, MPD

  24. So late to the game on this but I totally had to comment. I was on Team Jacob all the way. Maybe it's because my nick has a temperature of 200 degrees.

    And please don't watch the movie, I was picturing the hot indian guy from The Last of the Mohicans in my head and instead got Shark Boy. Awful movie. But really funny in a twisted way.

  25. I am completely on Jacob's team. I love a guy that can make you laugh and keep you warm. He does it for me.


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