A couple days ago I walked into a sticky-outy door handle on the way out of a bathroom. It stabbed me square in the belly button.
Being that the belly now precedes me everywhere. Hurt like bloody fucking hell, in case you're wondering.
As you know, I have never been coordinated.
The team sports, they sucked. The walls, they get walked into, or at very least, brushed against. The sidewalks, they get tripped on.
I blame this on the fact that I am farsighted. And I have an astigmatism.
The farsighted means that actually, I can walk around without my glasses and see just fine. I go running without them. Reading is hard, but I can do it. I don't, because it gives me a headache. But I can in a pinch.
But walking around without my glasses means that my depth perception is kind of suspect.
Everyone says pregnancy is supposed to make you less coordinated. I believe they blame this, like everything else, on hormones.
And it is true. You drop things more. You stumble more. You bump into things.
For me, it's probably less obvious than for normal people, because I was already a person who tripped a lot, who walked into the sides of cubicles and such. Even with my glasses on.
So I drop things and people ask if I've gotten clumsy in my pregnancy, and I just say yes. But really, I've always done this kind of thing.
I just didn't know why, for the longest time.
Then some years ago an eye doctor asked about my depth perception, something to which I'd never given any thought. I said I was a terrible parallel parker - which turns out to be a great way to meet helpful men, but a hard way to get around in the world.
He said, "No wonder! Look at this astigmatism!"
Or something of the sort.
This was, unfortunately, a couple years after I poured an entire bottle of mineral water on the table at a wedding.
It was the fancy schmanciest wedding I've ever been to. Held, I kid you not, at a castle in Tuscany. My old boyfriend's business school friends did very, very well. And then got married.
And so we were sitting at a table with a multitude of glasses - water, white wine, red wine, champagne - you name it. Everyone had 37 glasses at their place.
So there were a lot of glasses. Just so you know. It makes things confusing. Especially if you've had some of the contents of each.
And I maybe picked up the bottle of water, and as my boyfriend's glass was empty, turned to refill his before mine.
And I maybe didn't notice that I was very carefully, gently, and concertedly pouring the contents of the bottle right next to the glass.
I was immersed in conversation, so didn't really notice how much time was going by. Just the fact that the glass didn't seem to be filling.
Until someone reached over, tipped the bottle up, and said, "You might want to stop before you empty the entire thing on the table."