Friday, November 20, 2009

Dear Dad, month six

Dear Dad,

It's been just over six months since you quietly and carefully slipped out of our lives.

I unwittingly resorted my emails by date this morning, and an email from you appeared at the top of my inbox. It made my stomach jump.

We've been so busy with the baby, and I have to say, that's been really helpful. Nick said the other day that he was worried about how crushingly sad I was after you died. Jordan has made the most extraordinary difference in all our lives.

Jordan is so big and so much fun now. I wish you were here to see him. You would love him so much. He's nothing but joy, really.

He's got Nick's temperament, I think. Very even, very upbeat. I feel relieved about that. I worry about the depression genes.

I'm not sure who he looks like. A lot of Nick, but not totally. He has your and my blue eyes. I hope that as he grows, he has more things that remind me of you.

Sometimes I have dreams with you in them. Somehow, you're just out of reach. In retrospect, maybe you always were.

It's a beautiful, sunny fall day. Last winter and spring were tough, and honestly, I think if the weather hadn't been so relentlessly grim, if the sun had bothered to shine, you might still be with us.

I still have the what-ifs, although I now have more distance and am in a better place, so they don't hurt quite as much.

I miss you, though. I really do.




  1. *hugs*

    You keep bringing tears to my eyes. Happy to see how strong you are, and how much joy Jordan has brought to your family.

  2. ...and now I'm crying. *sob*

    that's a lovely letter, one I truly believe he's reading over your shoulder.

    You are a good Daughter, Mommy, and Wife. Your Dad would be proud.

  3. "In retrospect, maybe you always were."

    You have a knack for writing very simply, but very powerfully. It, like you, is impressive.

    Big hugs.

  4. The way you've handled his death is admirable. So glad that Big J is such a source of joy.

  5. A beautiful letter Lisa. I'm so glad your son has brought an abundance of joy and your Dad remains such a big part of your life and thoughts. Big hug to you.

  6. This letter is so simple and so beautifully written.
    Big hugs, lady.

  7. Monique Esselmont11/20/2009 7:35 PM

    So beautiful... So glad you have J to keep you grounded... Hugs!

  8. Lisa,

    I truly believe that your dad knows what a joy Jordan is. That is a truly lovely letter. I totally understand worrying about the depression gene. It runs in my family as well and I prayed every day of my pregnancy that it would not be passed on to my daughter. She's 4 and so far so good. (My mom swears she could see the issues in me starting from when I was 3). I pray it missed Jordan as well.

  9. ::tears::

    And I hope Jordan grows up to remind you of your Dad in the most wonderful ways...

  10. Somehow, this reads incredibly joyful to me.


  11. Just wanted to give you a hug.


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