I wish that in high school they'd made it clear that they were teaching you shit you might like to know later in life.
Like, I wish they'd presented the information as useful instead of just Stuff You Needed to Know for the Exam. In biology class, for example, I just wasn't that interested in genus and species and dominant genes and fruit flies and such.
I blame Mr. Robbins - although he was hot hot hot - for me announcing, over dinner last night, "And I was surprised to learn that sharks are mammals."
See, I was explaning these shark octuplets in New Zealand. This one shark bit another on the stomach and four little babies swam out. Doesn't live birth a mammal make?
No. Turns out they're fish.
We were having dinner with our friends the investigator and his fiancee - who turns out to be full of the kind of information I love. She and I have been emailing links back and forth this morning.
But back on topic: So then I had to confirm that dolphins are mammals. And what makes a mammal?
Live birth. Nursing. Among other things. Which then led us to wonder how they nurse. And! And where are their nipples? Who knew dolphins had nipples?
Apparently they nurse sideways on top of the water. Impressive.
But you know what's not so great?
Dolphins are gang rapists. And murders. Yes. Seriously. There was a National Geographic show on the evils dolphins perpetrate.
Which led our dining companions to bring up the raccoons in their neighborhood, which is close to Rock Creek. Which has the highest density raccoon population in the US, apparently.
And it turns out that rabies is not the only thing you need to worry about with them. Although of course it's definitely a concern.
Raccoons are big, and mean, and, according to the article our dining companion sent us, "known to rape small pets and get drunk on fermented fruit juice. To top it off, they have maybe the best nonprimate hands in the animal kingdom, five delicate fingers with which they can turn a doorknob, unlatch a gate, or remove a shoelace from a shoe."
I could see Nick cringing last night as she was talking about raccoons and rabies. He knew it was going to get me all paranoid all over again.
Which, yes! For good reason!
I mean, after last night I certainly think less of dolphins.
But raccoons! They're now up there on my evil list with Cheney, Rush Limbaugh, Bin Laden...
Those bastards will pick your locks and sneak in, drink your wine, rape your dog, saunter up your stairs, give your kid brain parasites, and leave you with rabies.
The raccoons, I mean. I don't know about the rest of them.
I think this merits a little paranoia, don't you?