Friday, November 06, 2009

The person I am or am not. In other words, what?

I realized something that almost knocked me over a couple days ago.

It's nothing I would ever have predicted, and nothing I would've even considered a couple months ago. It's even hard to say aloud without going, really? Are you serious?

In fact, if you know me, you will probably have a hard time believing what I'm about to say.

I have started having regular fantasies of staying home with my kid.

There. I said it.

I've never been a stay at home mom type. Or even a mom type, really.

I like adult interaction. I need a lot of mental stimulation. And honestly, I still don't like children in general.

But I love my kid with every fiber of my being.

He changes so much every day, and he's changed me in a million ways. He's so sweet and loving and just generally the best thing that has ever happened to me. Truly.

I am scheduled to go back to work in five weeks.

And you know, I've made my own money and paid my own bills since college. The idea of not doing that, not to mention stepping out of the workforce, terrifies me. And yet, I waited so long to have a baby. And there are so many Jordan moments that will never return. Do I want to miss them?

I intend to return to work as planned, I do.

But the truth is, I am all angsted up over this.

Bizarro, no?


  1. Nope, not bizarro at all. I'm as career womany as they come, and I've felt the same thing. I ache when I'm at work and I think about him... sigh. Anyway, enjoy the next 5 weeks! Hug, snuggle, and squish him as much as you possibly can!

  2. Not bizarre - very normal. He is so beautiful! Enjoy.

  3. Stay home. The outside world has more bizarro people than this idea!

  4. I think it's pretty sensible to consider your options, what with having such an adorable child and all. I mean, I don't know that I'd find it *less* sensible if he were less adorable, but thankfully, I don't have to think about it, because he IS that adorable.

    I'm no help, am I...

  5. I, too, would like not to return to work.

    Baby? Nope, no baby here.

  6. I don't think it's bizarre that you want to stay home but I definitely agree that it's bizarre to want to stay home after feeling like you didn't want to stay home. I say that not from a judgemental place but from a place of semi-understanding the feeling of not wanting to stay home. I say semi-understanding because I don't have kids so obviously I can't understand what you feel. I've always been a bit scared of the thought of staying home with my future hypothetical children, though. Mainly because here in Canada women are able to take a year's maternity leave. A year! What does one DO with a year?

  7. Luna - I'm so glad to hear that. I really was wondering where this came from. I'm not all careery but I have definitely never been a happy homemaker type (and still am not). We are having so much fun with the snuggles and the squishes!

    Anonymous - Thank you!

    Jules - Ah, yah, you make a good point. :)

    Dagny - I'm sure, knowing me, that if he were difficult I'd be heading for the office already. But now I just want to stay home and kiss him all over his face.

    lacochran - I have often had the desire not to return to work...but not in order to stay home with an infant. That part is hugely weird to me.

    Hillary - Get OUT! A year?! Another reason Canada rocks! A year would be spectacular! In the beginning, it was all drudgery - diapers and no sleep and just waiting hand and foot on this demanding little lump. But now he is fun and I am so much more relaxed and confident! We smile, we giggle, we go for walks. Sometimes we even go shopping! Or out for meals with friends! I could definitely take a year.

  8. i just KNEW that you would love this boy with every fiber of your being! it would be great if you could figure out a way to stay home, or maybe work part time . . . could you do job sharing?

  9. I'm feeling exactly the same way...never imagined myself at home but I love being with my kid and get teary thinking about what i'm going to miss when I go back on two weeks. I don't have the option(my husband is a freelancer and I'm the stable income and source of insurance) but if I could, I would seriously be considering it.
    I don't think it's bizarre in th least!

  10. I would bet hard-earned money that every mother struggles with this, every day they work. It's natural. You'll find something that works for you.

  11. Been There, Done That. Stayed Home. Hard Days, Great Days. No Regrets.

  12. I know we talked about this a little bit today (again- SO FANTASTIC to finally meet you!) and I say if you want it, go for it. You can always go back to work more or less, but you won't always have these moments with the boy.

  13. I'm with them. Not Bizarro, Bona Fide Normal.

    It would be great if you could work part time at your old job, and, maybe mom and Nick could give you a day or two to dye and sell your fabrics. What I saw here was beautiful.

    I stayed home the first4 years. It would have been better if I'd worked 2-3 days a week till the 4th yr I think, (I didn't because of mom-guilt). I went stir crazy or sullen some days. By 4 HE was truly ready and happy in fulltime daycare - and I was MORE than ready.

    That daycare, The Cat's Meow, was really special. Neither my son nor I will ever forget them. If you find a great one, you might want to put your name on the waiting list now.

  14. Not bizarro at all. Have you considered part time? It's the best of both worlds in my opinion :)

  15. Exact same thing happened to me around this same time last year. I'm basically the same way as you - I always swore I could never be a stay at home mom and that I needed adult interaction. And, yeah, other children bother me immensely but I was about 3 or 4 weeks away from returning to work and I realized that I just did NOT want to go. I hated the idea of not being around my baby. Luckily, I had my mother to watch him rather than a daycare but even that tore me up.

    Then I got laid off in Feb and my husband and I decided that I'd stay home with the boy rather than finding another job. Best decision ever. The first week was weird and I've had moments where I need to get away from him but I will say that, for me, it was the best thing I could have ever done.

  16. I have to believe that most of us go through this. I had to go back when my son was 8 weeks old to an executive position with no wiggle room. After 3 months, I left to stay home. For me, the best decision I've ever made. For you? You'll figure it out. And that is one sweet picture-he is adorable!

  17. I'm on the same page with everyone else - you'd be crazy for NOT entertaining the thought. Giving it voice is a good start.

  18. Lisa,
    I just spent the past 2 weeks reading your entire blog - I'm out on maternity leave with my six week old son - I just wanted to say a few things:
    1. Your blog made me laugh so many times when I was ready to tear my hair out from being home with my newborn child.
    2. Your baby is adorable!
    3. I can totally empathize with so much of this blog - especially the pregnancy and new baby parts.

    OK I think that's it for now. Good luck to you!!

  19. Lisa - so, I was totally following your blog, then, a baby popped out in August and all hell broke loose. I started back to work this week and got caught up on my 'blog world'

    You are sooo not alone on this post!! I too never thought I would want to be a stay at home mom. I also didn't understand why people said they didn't have time to shower with a newborn when they sleep 15 hours a day. That shows you how much I knew!

    I am in the exact same boat. I literally ache missing her so much! I just worked my ass off this year to get a certification that's taken five years and should push me to a new professional level. (that sounds a lot bigger than it is!) Anyway, now I'm like, do I throw it away? Do I really know how to be that domestic? Will I be a "desperate housewife" type complaining about staying at home in 6 months?

    The right answer: THERE IS NO RIGHT ANSWER!! Totally blows. I think I'm going to be throwing in the towel in the next couple months. I just can't handle the ache. I certainly wasn't prepared for the complete consumption and obsession that comes along with being a mom!

    Good luck with your decision! You'll figure out whats best - trial and error is your only option. I think that's pretty much the strategy for the rest of our lives now :)

  20. Totally, totally normal. We all go through it. Honestly, in a perfect world, I would choose to work part time. THat would be PERFECT for me. Unfortunately, finances won't allow it. If you CAN stay home, Why not try it? If you love it, great! If not, you can go back.

  21. I fully intended to go back to work [or grad school] after I had my daughter. Six years later, I managed to finish my M.A. and then start looking for a job.

    Even now, I find it hard to think about leaving her - and she'll be 13 in a couple of months. It's never an easy decision, but just do what feels right at that time.

  22. Ok Lisa, dont know if you will get to read this but....Look into your heart, they are not fantasies they are a reality you want to make happen. Listen to what your heart is telling you.
    As a mum who has only one child and sadly will only ever have the one. Who is now 16 years old. I was told to go back to work when he was 3 1/2 months old and have regretted ever since that I didnt fight that. I hated being pregnant, I had a crap c section birth where both of us nearly didnt make it for various complications. I wasnt even ever actually planning having kids. BUT Lisa, I say if the opportunity exists to stay at home, then do it. You will never ever regret it. Seriously talk about this with Nick and if you are having the remotest fantasies of staying home then do so.

  23. I would love to be a stay at home Mom but I think I need a kid first. Can't I just stay home anyway?

  24. Monique Esselmont11/09/2009 8:00 PM

    I stayed home with my kids now 3 and 5 and would never change it. I want to be the one who is raising my kids and who is watching over them, and later on, watching over them and their friends... It's been a hard decision, and there are days when I'd go back to work in a heart beat, but for the most part, I am enjoying being part of their everyday lives. Do what is best for you. Have no regrets. Enjoy life for it is too short not to. Jordan is absolutely adorable. I am loving reading your blog and keeping in touch with you this way! Hugs!

  25. The fact that you are even THINKING about it says a lot. There is no right answer, no wrong answer, but I suggest you look into all of the possibilities! Be creative, maybe you could even work from home part time. Or how about working freelance? Or not working at all? If you can do it, why not? I love that you are so loving your time with Big J, in my experience it gets even better every day, even when you thought it couldn't get better.

  26. Oh and welcome to mommyhood as far as doing things you never thought you would see yourself doing. My most recent one of those is routinely announcing that I need to go peepee in the potty. I HATE those people who say that!

  27. ...Or Snoochybottom...or Bungy-Bear...or STABBY fingers...


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