Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Circling in circles

Oh, people. I am in one of those what am I doing with the blogging places.

You know how dogs will turn around and turn around, and then almost lie down, and then something isn't quite perfect and so they will seemingly turn in the same circle 37 billion times and then finally, finally curl up in what looks like the exact same place?

That's how I feel. I'm circling.

Like, should I pretty up my blog? Move to Wordpress and have many clean and lovely templates to choose from? Or shell out the cash to have someone else design a space just for me? Which is kind of a spendy proposition.

And I think design, good design, is totally worth money. It's not that I'm opposed to supporting designers; quite the contrary.

It's more that that's money that could be put towards light fixtures or the new door, or 74 gajillion other house things. Or baby clothes and toys. My new favorite way to spend.

Because for 30 seconds I kidded myself into thinking I'll learn CSS and figure out how to make my own and then I was all, really, in what kind of free time that you wouldn't rather be spending with Big J?

And is the pretty really what this is about? Because what do I want?

Is it in the hopes of attracting more readers? Or is it like buying yourself a new pair of shoes, which temporarily change and improve your life, or at least you feel like they do?

Is that what this is about?

And then I circle back to the what am I doing here anyway?

Maybe I should be using this time to write the book I keep saying I'm going to write, but don't because it is too big and daunting and I get all scaredy-scared. And also, the tired keeps me from embarking on such a big project. Because I never seem to get past the tired. And maybe that's just a big excuse.

Circle circle.

Then I think, but I'm happy. I like who I know here and I like what I have. Why mess with it?

Almost settle back down. But not quite.

I think it's part of a bigger what am I doing? kind of thing. And I dunno.

But I just feel like I need...something.


  1. i circle sometimes too. i know that doesn't fix your circling problem, but at least know you're not alone and im dizzy too. from all the fucking circling.

  2. This post sums up my entire life right now. But I try not to let it stress me out too much.

  3. I got some really good advice once.

    "If it stops being fun, stop doing it."

    If it's still fun, do it! I like having a little space already organized for me - the blank slate of a Word document just doesn't do it for me as well.

    Also, I want to be a beta reader for your memoir. You know. In case you were wondering. :o)

  4. I hope you never stop blogging! But for peace of mind, I'm not sure how many readers care about the fancy lay out. I follow blogs in google reader- so it's all black and white anyway. But that's just me :)

  5. I'm going to co-sign on a lot of what's already been said. I too am a circler...and feel I often lack direction. So you're definitely not alone.

    I also read in Google reader and therefore the layout makes not one bit of difference to me since the only time i see the site is when i click through to post a comment.

    I also think you should do what is fun for you and makes you happy. (Although I would be sad to lose one of my favorite reads...and all the cutie pie Big J updates.)

  6. brookem - It IS dizzying sometimes, all the circling. And I'm always glad to know I'm not alone. The blogging is the best thing for that, I've discovered.

    Nicole - Ugh, sometimes entire life is like that. I've been there more times that I care to think about.

    Dagny - It is still fun, and I definitely need the space organized for me. The white page is not really my friend.

    And I would love love love it if you'd be a beta reader. :)

    Mb - You know, I mostly read in Google reader as well, and then click to the blogs when I want to comment. But I definitely appreciate the pretty ones.

    Megan - Thanks on all points. I don't think I'm going anywhere, at least not till I figure out which direction I'd be heading if I did.

  7. I read your blog in Google Reader, and really don't care too much about the background. I just really enjoy your thoughts - reading about your perspective and experience with your little one. I so enjoy your blog!

  8. Yours is one of the few blogs I read on the regular, so please never stop writing. Yes, I know I'm selfish. No, I don't care :)

  9. I love, love, love your blog. It's so funny and if you enjoy writing it - keep doing it! (Please?)

    That said, since having the baby I've felt the need to have things that are more "mine". There's not as much time to just have my own space, my own things, my own clean shirt (my own dirty shirts I now have plenty of).

    So maybe it's just a little extra time to do something you enjoy as opposed to something you "have" to do that you need.

    Or a new pair of boots. I feel like boots might do it.

  10. Like Dagny Taggart, I too want to be a beta reader... :-)

  11. I'm in the "if it is fun, keep doing it" camp! The reason I started blogging was to organize my thoughts - I really like reading blogs and commenting more though. Your memoir or novel would be amazing!

  12. I think you touch a lot of people with what you say. I know two people who love you just the way you are.

  13. I don't know Google from Beta, I just know if you moved, I'd follow your blog anywhere. At least you DO a blog, while I have not the courage.

    As for the circling, don't you think it's just normal-human stuff? Cyclical for some; no rhyme, reason, or rhythm to it for others...

    ...But it HAS been a hard winter down south where y'all are hangin. (Couldn't resist, sowwie!) so maybe ya just got cabin fever is all...

  14. I don't know, as much as I love your blog, I expect that there's an incredible book in you, and I'd love to read that too. Maybe the circling is the sign that it's itching to get out. Maybe its time to flirt with other media - maybe magazine, maybe short stories - your writing and your ideas are wonderful, maybe play with a smaller project to test your wings?

  15. The blog definitely doesn't need pretty-ing. I stil come every day just for the stories =). By the way the post the other day about your dad was just beautiful, I forwarded it to my husband who has an ongoing existential crisis about "is there anything after death?". As for me, I completely believe there is something.


  16. Well, if you ever write a book, I'm a proofreader! I'd love to help out.

    Also, I agree that if it's still fun, keep it up. Plus, you're a great bogger, so I'd miss you if you left!

  17. I've been in the same place with my blog, because I have stubbornly refused to ever do ANYTHING other than the original blogger template I started with. I think about my blog friends and how pretty their blogs are, and I want that. But I've decided that I am just not willing to spend money on a blog.

    So, that's me. :)


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