I wonder if the reason most people don't talk about infertility is because it makes you feel like there's something wrong with you.
Or maybe it's because it just makes you so fucking sad. All the time.
Except for the cycles that you're taking Clomid. Because during those months you also walk around completely enraged, at everyone at every moment.
For me, anyway, it's like being put in a crazy jar and being able to see yourself in there, bouncing off the walls, thinking and saying angry, mean, hateful things, but not being able to unscrew the lid and let yourself out. Or even put your hand over your mouth to stop yourself.
If you see what I'm saying.
And I'm so sick of this focus on what I don't have. I do it to myself, and it's a crappy way to live. I'm trying, really trying, to focus on what I DO have, which is a great family that includes this delightful gem of a son who just fills my heart so full that sometimes I wonder if it will explode.
I mean, when I'm not feeling hateful towards him due to aforementioned hormones.
But every month that goes by, I just feel worse about myself. And worse about our possibilities. And why, why did I wait to be so OLD?
And then there are those people who, with all good intentions, just tell you to relax, that stress works against you.
It's like when I was single and Internet dating like a fiend and fretting about dying alone. And well-intentioned people were all, "Oh, just relax! You need to stop trying so hard! That's when things happen! I met my husband when I wasn't looking!"
Those suggestions always made me feel like stabbing them. When they weren't looking.